apathy

so reep left today. i'm actually kind of relieved i didn't go. i doubt we would have had a good time wit each other. we have definitly not been getting along lately. when we are out we constantly say things that piss each other off. every 10 minutes we have an uncomfortalbe moment. ...you kno wat's really sad tho? when we're happy together, all i have to do is simply think 'i love you'. and i get happy. and i only need to say myself 'i love you'. to get this stupid little smile. but now. that we're not in that happy place. even him saying it to me gets nothing. i normally really love saying it to him. i actually get pleasure out of telling him that i love him. how weird is that? but now... i hear it and i say it back. because i kno i do, even if i'm not totally feeling it.

'if i had known back then whatever i know now, i'd think i’d have answers but i don’t know why' / 'quietly thinking to myself: this sad exchange pleased neither one of us.' 'so we finally gave up' / 'don't tell me what i’m trying to say to you'

'no talking when i want you to listen'

karma

remember that story from a while ago that involved those who girls were passing cookies around the neighborhood? anyway. oh crap. i just went to go retrieve that article but it's gone! expired! capoot! damn. anyway. some radio station went and had a fundraiser and raised those girls a gripload of money. wat's more, now that lady and her husband are hated on by everyone in that neighborhood. and people are harrassing them. lol... that's wat you deserve, jerks!

finefinefine. i kno that was kind of a letdown. i kno you come to my site to read all the articles i post. me wit my good taste and all. so here's another, totally unrelated to cookies! lampost kills dog!

two-faced bitch

okay. so i kno i pretty much said that i wouldn't care anymore, and yet i do. reep came online and said that he just realized that he won't be seeing me until monday. which means for sure i'm not going. which means for sure that he's not gonna ask for the car. which, after wat happened last night, seems to only make sense. at yet here i am kind of upset. i dunno wat i was expecting. for him to pull thru? didn't i just say like three posts ago that i was no longer going to expect that of him? argh. even then... me making this resolution. how could i have thought that it was actually going to really work, me turning myself off to disapointment? it's only been a week for god's sake. i guess i just hadn't factored in such a large disapointment so soon. thought it'd be something small (over sleeping or osmething) then i'd be able to build my way up to a big one. ...wat the fuck am i saying? holy shit it sounds like i'm just expecting to be let down. ...wtf is my problem? 1) i should have more faith in him and 2) why am i in a relationship where i expect for my boif to let me down and where i feel the need to built up myself so that i cannot be disapointed by the inevitable letdown? good god... this is wat happens when you step back and examine your life. you realize all the stupid contradictions that take away all the worth. jesus suffering fuck...

'help me to realize my dream is dying' / 'help me to wait on you, hesitate it too, cause i'm alone' / 'feel so jaded, contemplative, waiting for you' / 'can you wait for me a little longer?' / 'time will tell if all turns out ok'

watta gas

the weirdest scariest shit happened to reep last night. i'm not going to tell you wat tho, cause i'm an ass. lol... but seriously. the weirdest and scariest shit happened to reepal last night. all i gotta say is, 'reep, go buy yourself a freaking lotto ticket, cause lady luck is traveling in your passenger seat.' i, however, don't need the lotto to tell me wat i already kno: i'm a winner. :)  (i'm in a good mood, go figure) btw, just for somewhere to post this, anberlin is my new favorite band. (btw, fuel should be spelled feul. just say it. fffeeeuuuullll. told you.)

'feel everything on fire and i'm dressed to kill' 'so look the other way tonight' / 'time will tell if all turns out ok'

artsy fartsy

more about animals: bug bunny gets an extreme makeoever for his new show 'loonatics'. (get it? how very very witty!) i think they look weird, and maybe it's just me, but it took me a second to realize which one was bugs. ...whoa, did you realize his name is bugs? as in insects? ...yeah... i just... never really realized that. how stupid of me. anyway. not only are animals staring in art, they are also making it. and doing quite well actually. elephants painting and their finished masterpeice. when i first saw this picture i literally started crying. i mean, holy shit! effing elephants painted that!! i can't can't paint nearly half as well. not even an eighth! (whoa that's a weird looking word wit its h's so close together.) ...i am just having a night of epiphanies. btw, did you kno i'm gay? lol. just kidding. seriously tho, i'm smart. well... smarter anyway than this monk who glued his eyes shut cause he confused superglue wit eyedrops. yep, he confused them even tho at that point he could still see! told you i was smarter than that... now if only i could paint like elephants i'd be the perfect woman!

just desserts

once reep and i were out driving at night. and some dude in front of us flicked his cigarette out the window. it somersaulted and sparked and freaked reepal out. it's only too bad that his car didn't catch on fire like this guy's car did. lol... talk about getting wat's coming to you... it's only too bad tho that he couldn't pee the fire out, like this other guy did by peeing his way out of an avalanche trapped car. cheers!

looking forward

so we talked today. he asked me wat i wanted from him and i said. he said he would try. which is damn good to hear. he's going up north this weekend for a tekken tournament. i'm not going. which is quite sad cause just the two of us went together a few years ago. it was a good trip. but anyway. this time leo's going and driving. and since they've both made new tekken playing friends leo's car is full. wat's more, i can't get the car. originally we were thinking that maybe i'd go in leo's car wit them. but he said to sae that he didn't want me to go. this is a 'boys' trip' or something... i really do not understand single person's obesssion wit 'girls' weekend out' or 'boys' trip'. i attribute it to low self esteem and maybe a little jealousy. just can't stand to see others happy as a couple. but anyway. originally we were both pushing rather hard for me to go. but now... it seems as tho neither of us really cares anymore. i'm not having a good several weeks wit him and i'm kind of lukewarm to spending more time wit him. he is... well, probably the same thing. a few days ago he had said that he would ask his dad for the car, but today he rejected that idea. besides which, it'll be damn boring for me. will probably look back at this weekend a few weekends from now and regret not pushing for the car tho. :( but anyway... i'm just going to focus on my bday weekend wit the girls the week after and a snow board trip the weekend after that.

'nothing's what it seems' / 'finished looking for the answers now i'm looking for the questions' / 'now you’re making up for lost time' / 'and this is what i've bled'

weird animals

before preceeding, please prepare youself. okay... ready? here are the effects of beastiality: a one eyed goat. ...no i wouldn't want that as a pet either. but how about a two headed turtle or a two headed lamb? or how about a three headed frog (more pictures)? too many mouths to feed, i understand. how about a headless chicken? too freaky, eh? would you then be interested in a seven legged calf? or the one that tops it all: an eight-legged cat. oh boy is this world a weird weird place... wonder wat god is thinking now of his creations? more pictures of really damn strange animals and the sunfish which has always scared the hell out of me.

and i really hate to put this story in wit the rest but it fits (mutations and all that): the girl wit two heads (picture five really frightening).

and another really scary being: pam anderson. besides the whole thing about her boobs being bigger than my ass, in this picture the width of her face is bigger than her waist.

in my own way

last night we were together and i told him that i hate our conversations. he was understandingly (altho, i also think a bit unjustfiably) insulted. we don't talk much anymore. it's too boring. he never really comments on any of the things i say (so how is this even a conversation?). unless he disagrees wit me, which is often enough that i also asked him the same night if he ever agrees wit me. i think he said 'not really'. to which i asked if he argues just for the sake of it. 'why the hell would i do that?' i don't kno. our conversations are pathetic really. i bring up varied topics. he doesn't reply. just so you kno, hmm doesn't count as a reply. or he disagrees and an argument ensues. this really bothers me. i do more than just try to be interested when he speaks. i force myself to actually be interested. i kno a hell of a lot of more tekken (and it's characters, development, players, places for play...) than i would ever care to kno. i pay attention. i ask questions. i participate. and goddamnit i support. however, i can't even seem to get a spark of interest out of him, feigned or otherwise. he simply doesn't care, and wat's more, doesn't even care to pretend to care. which sucks (the dude never even asked how miss saigon was). a few posts ago i said that i was working on myself first. and that i'd not try to 'fix' him until i had 'fixed' myself. well, i'm sticking to that. but i messed that up. i meant that i would, for us, 'fix' myself. but since this is really a moot point anyway (one person can't make a relationship stronger, it takes two. and since i'm only one person...), rather than feel as tho i've wasted my efforts (ie, rather than trying to make us stronger), i will instead just focus on just making myself stronger. this task, obviously, is much less daunting.

'if i hadn't made me, i'd’ve fallen apart by now' 'i won't let them make me, it's more than i can allow' 'so when i make me, i won't be papier-mâché' 'and if i fuck me... i'll fuck me in my own way'

selling oneself short

found this online: denim wit heart applique clutch. it's for $17. amazing. have you seen the one i made? granted, the stitching is all crooked but that's just cause i don't care about these things. if i were to be selling my stuff i'd use a sewing machine. and i sure as hell wouldn't be selling them for $17! seriously tho. how does one price their stuff to sell? if i were to sell my clutches (doing a better job of course) i'd say maybe... $5. no... i'd say $4. or like... a simple beaded necklace. nothing but seed beads strung up and put together wit a clasp. i'd sell for 65cents. but have you seen the stuff they sell at the mall? same thing but for five times the price. incredible. maybe i should start selling my stuff online...

giving up

seriously. this issue wit reepal oversleeping is really getting out of hand. i cannot ever believe him when he says that he will do something or be somewhere. cause usually, it just won't happen. i'm not even angry anymore. and am starting to not be disappointed either. i'm starting to become neutral to the whole thing. as long as i don't ever count on him to wake up, i'll be fine. from now on, i will expect that he stays asleep. from now on, i will no longer wait for him. nor will i try to wake him up, unless he asks. as long as i don't ever take his word to heart, i cannot be disapointed nor can i be hurt. here's to hoping.

'life's harder every day' 'and no one's here with me' / 'tragic it seems, to be alone again' / 'take me under (i'm killing all the pain)' / 'i'm dying tonight (i'm sick of all this faith)' / 'watch me crumble (i'm killing all the pain)' / 'i'm crying tonight' 'the stress has got me' / 'i'm giving in to you'

heads or tails?

since i kno how much everyone loves a good penis story, here's one to warm your heart: woman rips off man's balls. "that's yours," touching, isn't it? but of course, nothing tops the penis exploding mid-sex story. but let's also remember to pay tribute to the orignial love story of lorena and john bobbitt (...did you notice that it was she who divroced him? two years after the decapitation incident? ...he's nutty).

added: another woman who cut off her man's little man. then flushed it down the toilet. & men hack off transvestite's manly part.

aw...

did you kno that reep was gonna get me a coach bookmark for vday? ever since he got me that ring from last year he's been getting their emails (which is really weird cause i actually signed up for them, like 5 times, and haven't gotten a single one!). so for the vday one he openned it and saw this heart bookmark that also had space for a picture. which he thought was perfect for our knott's picture we took a while ago. but when he went to the store they said that they didn't have that one anymore and just the one witout the picture slot. so he didn't get it. which is totally fine, cause who needs a $28 dollar bookmark? sheesh that's crazy. but isn't he so cute?! aw... am sort of sad tho. cause he didn't really do anything this year. he usually gets me something, which is always a surprise. as in, the gift he gives is always a surprise. but this year he didn't get nothing! which, i guess, is a surprise in itself. so i'm kind of sad. it's not that i'm this superficial person who needs gifts to be happy but i dunno... maybe a mix cd of love songs or something... i got him a metalica cd, hardly romantic, i kno. but anyway. i'd already given him two (as all his cds were stolen last year. f*cker...) before this, so it wasn't a surprise either but anyway. we had a great vday together and that's all that matters! *muah*

'you bring so much so much joy to my life' 'and i will give you my heart' 'and i will always be true to you' 'and i will love you forever' 'ain't no doubt that i'm satisfied' 'i'll forever be by your side'

lunacy

okay, no seriously... did you kno that clinton has won two grammys?! and hilary has one too? oh yeah sure... this grammy business, very very prestigous, as just about damn near anyone can win one. god, why don't i have one yet? holy shit i think i deserve one more than britney, i, at the very least, can sing. eesh. also, you kno wat else is weird? after winning that oscar, halle decided to star in another movie equal to her caliber: catwoman. uh, wat? also, in tribute to black history month, starz is going to show catwoman. ...yes... because it is absolutly the best protrayal of all the history of hate the blacks in the u.s. have been thru. and it unarguably showcases halle's massive talent. ...well sure... in further celebration of well deserved awards, i present the darwin awards and the stella awards. ...good god. wat is this world coming to?

happy 'n sappy

valentine's day was a good day. seriously. like all freakin day. :)

'you're always, always, on my mind' / 'everything i did before you, wasn't worth my while. it should've been you all the time' / 'i do anything, and everything to please you' / 'you're more than wonderful, more than amazing. you're so incredible: the irreplaceable, love, love, of my life.'

shiver me tinders!

ah the grammys... did you kno that ray charles had like 12 total in his life career and won another 8 last night? ...you kno. the guy being dead doesn't make his stuff any better. i mean, if you really liked the guy that much, why didn't you award him these grammys when he was alive? ...more strange. britney spears also won a grammy. her first, actually. best dance recording for 'toxic'. which, oddly enough, is the only song of her's i've ever liked. anyway...
also very important to the grammys, besides the music that is, is the fashion. my takes on who looks weird? usher, gwen, black eyed peas, nelly (um... we already knew you had teeth, you needn't prove it...), jack white (when the hell did he start looking so... ...freakishly feminine but masculinily weird and fucking tall? a neatly less clean shaven and more facially manly featured marilyn manson)... good god, i really can't name everyone from this slide show that looks weird. okay, you kno who looks good? beyonce, joss stone, pherrell williams, john legend, and slipknot. seriously. oh god... just thinking about the left three members of maroon5 gives me the shivers.
alright. want to see really beautiful? forbes names the world's most beautiful cars and holy shit... some of these cars... make you want to become... autosexual. that's right. autosexual. god, you kno wat i want for my bday? a trip to boston. to look at these gorgeous gorgeous cars (well... maybe not the bently blower or the mclaren). but seriously, wow.

tsunami song

okay, so this post is a little late in coming. but have you heard of the whole tsunami song controvercy? in case you haven't: for three days, a radio station in ny played this horrible song that was utterly racist and insensitive. i don't have a copy of all the lyrics, but some include: "little chinamen swept away you could hear god laughing 'swim you bitches swim'... so now you're screwed... and now the children will be sold to slavery." ...yeah... can you believe this? it's so incredible that anyone could be so fucking stupid as to 1) write the damn song 2) play the damn song 3) play it for three fucking days. i mean holy shit, it was a fucking tsunami, it wasn't thier fault. and wat's more, if you're gonna be racist at least be correct. a total of 10 chinese people died. 10, you kno why? cause it wasn't in fucking china you dumbass. it was in southeast asia. get a fucking clue and pull out a goddamn map. wat's more (and for some reason i'm thinking this dumbass was white...) more white people died in the tsunami than did chinese people. and i still don't hear god laughing. and you kno why? cause it wasn't fucking funny. it was a terrible tragedy. more people died in this incident than did in the whole of wwII. there is absolutly nothing funny about any of this. wat also pisses me off tho is that this dumbass thinks s/he can get away wit it. you think that if some natural disaster were to hit the vatican, africa, or ...isreal, there would be a song broadcast about how the catholics, black people, or jewish people deserved that? fuck no. thing is. people think they can pick on asians. but just cause we're not some huge conglomerated political force in the u.s. that hardly means we don't have any influence. and you kno wat else? wtf was that part about the kids being sold into slavery? that is probably the least funniest thing of all. all these kids lost their parents and you're laughing at that? seriously, wat the fuck is wrong wit you? god i hope this person dies a terrible and prolonged death. ...and altho it might be a bit late for this too, here's a petition to protest against the idiocy that went on that morning.

lost time.

i hate it when people seem to have an utter lack of concern for your time. i have things to do damnit. i do not like sitting around all day waiting for you. and we don't have this problem anymore - but before: i'd get there at around 2pm and sometimes end up waiting like half an hour only to have him pester me to stay for another half hour at 6pm when i needed to go home. wtf was that about? if you want to spend more time wit me, and if i only have so much time to spend, then you ought not to waste wat i have. even now tho. altho we don't have this problem so much anymore (cause now i leave late and call him about 4 times before i leave and if he isn't ready i don't leave) we have other ones concerning my time. which is fucking stupid. you have a phone, i have one too. you were awake, why didn't you call? goddamnit. you can't always fix things. do you get that you can't just show up now and make things better? do you really think that by coming now, you can make it up to me? it's too late. just like you can't unbreak someone's heart, you can't take back their disapointement. you can kiss away those tears but you can't go back and have made them never come. sometimes it's simply too late. do you get it now? you are not only reckless wit my time. but you are reckless wit my  heart.

'i'm wasting my time' / 'waiting: lonesome, lonely' / 'no more messed up reasons for me to stay' 'don't ask for more' / i've 'lost the will to do this once again'

new music

alright. still stuck on pron. been at level 63 for a damn long time now. which is stupid it has to do wit codes and i'm normally okay wit that. argh! this has been, by far, the hardest level for me. damn stupid... anyway... found this website today that has lots of new rock bands that you can listen to and sometimes dl. purevolume.com. lots and lots of bands and each lists it's genre so you don't have to listen to lots of stuff you don't like. bands i like so far? scream hello, amalgam, big 10-4, hidden in plain view, motion city soundtrack, anberlin, and satisfation (i really like 'nothing oh nothing'). and best song title evereverever? stephanie by 10 easy wishes. :) song isn't so bad either. a little frantic. but still good. see? i listen to other than mainstream so fuck you jose. ...damnit... i really don't why that stupid comment of his still bothers me as i kno he was wrong in the first place. and seriously, why do i feel the need to prove myself to him anyway? fucker.

random: in tandem

am getting so effing angry at pron! argh! already half way thru tho so maybe this crazyness will end. good god! in other completely random news... i have never ever seen ashlee simpson look decent before. so this picture comes as quite a shock. she actually looks good. amazing. incredible! stupendous!! ...i want powers like that. to be able to morph into "amazing looking woman" at a moment's notice... seriously tho. i just wish my effing pda had a little more memory. i have a palm zire that my godma gave me. it's nice. i'd link you, but they discontinued it. you kno why? no damn memory! 1.8mgs total. can't upgrade memory either. try dlling a dictionary onto that! ha! (lots of random links tonight. a few not so interesting either. just thought i'd waste your time lol...). the rock, btw, is done wit wwe and did you kno he's married? so is tom welling of smallville and from one tree hill, chad michael murry (yuck) is engaged to sophia bush (she is so gorgeous). oh and, an image puzzle for you! bleh...

and another

there's this thing, calling it self the 'hardest riddle available on the internet.' well damnit. i agree. attempt this only if you 1) have patience and 2) kno a little about computers. it will be easier if you kno something about programming. also, damnit, don't cheat! try first to figure it out by yourself. if you still can't get it, then read thru the posts for hints. if you are absolutly stuck then fine, go read the effing spoiler. but you kno wat? if you keep cheating and finish the thing, you, at the very least only you, kno that you are a fraud. and that is all that matters. who cares wat others think of you if you kno that you are the biggest peice of shit ever! but, if you can do this all by yourself wit no hints, then you are fucking incredible and i absolulely bow down to you. ready? set? pron!

knowing my place

this sunday al2 called reep to wake him up for db. she said that they wanted him there cause she felt uncomfortable and excluded from everyone else. reep didn’t say he would go, nor did he actually do so. but it saddens me that this situation arose. i’ve asked him to go to db. he declined. citing that he didn’t want to see gary and such because he thinks i liked him. little may he kno (although i have told him numerous times before) that i am almost desperately curious to see if lilly and gary ever get back together. i think they are perfectly matched. and would be damned please if they did become a couple again. however al2 supposes, and perhaps assumes, that if she asks then he will go. to hang out wit her and keep her company. rather than, say, be wit his gf. he said that he wouldn’t just go cause of her tho, but if tom went as well. he also said that me asking and wanting him to be there had very little to do wit him deciding to go. in other words: al2 takes priority. i’ve asked him. i’ve even persuaded tom to start going again. and yet that isn’t enough. they say that jealousy and paranoia stem from insecurity. so i guess i have good reason then to feel rebuked. after all, when your boif tells you flat out that the request of his friend weighs more heavily than your same request, well, i do think you have the right to feel inferior. seeing also as i have had other run-ins wit this same friend of yours in other situations where you clearly chose her over me, it seems incredible that you don’t totally understand why i worry about your relationship wit her developing into something more. or more basically, why i distrust you at all.

 

'this is incredible. starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time.' / 'well you'd like to think that you were invincible. yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?' 'but it doesn't make it any better.'

'the memories will fade.'

gaming

go learn something and have fun at the same time: i played the ridiculously educational game called 'the anti bush game' at emo game. even tho it's called a mini-game it's really really long (only play if you have an hour or so to spare) but it's pretty fun and quite funny. they also have three other games. each wit lots of clicking and reading but still pretty good stuff. each one is like th other tho so you only need to try one. i'd say bush, at least you'll learn something. cause god knows that's not wat school is for...

better again

reep and i hit a rough spot last week. but i think now we're over that. i hate the rough patches tho. :( this last weekend was good tho. i have been making the extra effort to not be selfish. and i think we're both happier because of it. i do wish, however, that he would say thank you more often. for the little things, you kno? but anyway, i'm working on me right now. maybe after i better myself i can ask him to better himself too. anyway... we're not totally better. last night / this morning he went thru a revelation. and it made me sad. but oh well... tonight too. i again asked him if he wanted my email password and he said no: "if you  kno i have it, and you kno i read it, you will hide stuff from me... this way i just trust you. and i dont have to check on you." :( well, i tried, he's feeling sad too. didn't do well at his last tekken tourny. and i didn't kno how to cheer him up... but seriously, we're okay now. not super good (altho he did wright me a really sweet email from work this morning) but better again.

'let me uncover you to discover you' 'and i will open up if you promise to give in' / 'cause i would leave it all so far behind just to be with you' / 'so make me feel again, feel your every breathe again' / 'never mind everyone, there's only you and me'

playing it safe

so appt there are 6 registered sex offenders living in my small town of lp. six! there are like 17 people total living in lp, so how can there be six? and seriously, that's just registered offenders, i wonder how many others there are? anyway... i'm not telling you any of this to freak you out. cause seriously, people change. or maybe it wasn't really quite the case in the first place. who knows? but just to be safe, here's the link so you can check out your own neighborhood: megan's law site. but really, don't go crazy on these people!

poser

just for the sake of an update, i'm updating. for those of you who think dressing like paris hilton means just throwing on some bling and wearing close to nothing in the brightest of colors, take a look at this! ::gasp:: why... she covered up! seriously... i would've thought that as possible as a walrus eating a house using a fork and knife. but anyway... and if you need more fashion advice, here's directions on how to dress emo. ...rock on people...