"the entire history of you"

black mirror season 1, episode 3 - the entire history of you

if you could record everything, would you? there's a quotation that goes something like "memories aren't what happened. they're what you remember." that's really true. but anyway, if you could record everything then your memories would be the truth, right? lol, no, of course not.

there's a quotation from a map of the world, a novel by jane hamilton, that i used to think about a lot, but that i can't remember or find, but it was something about how the thoughts in my head are *mine* and how horrible it was that some people wanted to know them all. they're my private thoughts, and even though they may be about you, they're mine and mine alone. this was a bit of a thing with rip and me. i would think things, and he knew it, and he would ask and i would refuse to tell him, especially if they were silly non sequitur nothings, tho often times they were serious things too. anyway, it drove him (and me) nuts.

j's different. he can see me thinking things and when he asks and i say "nothing" he doesn't press. he waits for me to want to tell him. i appreciate that. tho it also means that i let a lot of things go. i see him too, thinking, and i often times won't even ask.

overthinking is poison. thankfully i don't do it very often. i'm generally able to stop thinking about what i don't want to think about. ...which is also bad because it makes procrastinating and not confronting the truth really easy, too easy. in other words, i wouldn't be liam (from black mirror). i could never be liam. but, at the same time, isn't it maybe better to be liam? he suspects something and it turns out that he was right: jonas meant more to fi than she admitted, she did cheat with him, and the child's paternity is unclear. the episode got to me because i felt like rip would totally identify with liam. he wouldn't break into jonas' house or anything crazy, but he would "make" me tell him stuff. but again, that's maybe not a bad thing. the truth may not always be pretty, but it is important. and you may not be entitled to my thoughts, but you most likely are to the truth, especially if it affects you.

half dark

yesterday was socow's first 2017 practice. j went, rip did not. j isn't going to join, he's just trying it out. rip is gonna join, just skipping our first practice. i told rip, actually, that j was going. he decided not to go. he also said i was hiding things from him. which is true. two months ago i said told him that i had met someone. it wasn't easy, but i felt like i was somehow cheating on both j and rip. and tho now i'm certainly more open with both of them, i still feel guilty about things. i don't know how much of what either wants to know so i don't say much, esp to rip. "i don't want to hurt you." "you already hurt me." :(

people keep telling me that while it's possible to be friends with your ex, you need a long period of separation in between. i guess so you can both "move on." i think that makes sense. rip and i still have our weird moments, but i think we're doing okay. esp since we didn't have that period of separation.

j said that in his past relationships they hadn't been this open about exes. i dunno. you clearly had them. why pretend they don't exist? i don't love hearing about them, but they're a part of who you are so if it makes sense to talk about them, you should. ha, i wish i were this adult about everything.

meaning

j has had three girlfriends. but only two that he considers real girlfriends. ...i don't even know what that means. the last one, the girlfriend non-girlfriend, he dated for like a year. they met each other's parents' and i don't know much else. don't know how much of a future they planned for together, if at all, or whatever else you're supposed to do with a girlfriend, non or no, lol. but to be together for a year... that's a kind of long time to not be a "real" girlfriend, no?

i know timelines are fairly arbitrary. and even though words have definitions, they don't really. what exactly does dating, seeing someone, falling for someone, being boyfriend/girlfriend, becoming facebook official, etc mean anyway? whatever "boundaries" each of those imply are carried within you and can easily be broken. i've been reluctant to define things with j because 1. i fear commitment, 2. i have no idea what these terms mean anyway, and now 3. i'm worried that we'll be on different pages tho i think we're on the same page.

going off track a little bit here, but last week he asked how i express affection. i said that "i don't really... it takes a really secure guy to date me." ...that's fucked up. the next day tho i realized that i show affection by making concrete plans since with most people i'm fairly noncommittal. i told him this, then like two minutes later he asked if i wanted to meet one of his best friends that weekend (the first friend of his i'd meet). i went quiet then said "uh.. we'll see?" ...wtf is wrong with me?

in talking to k, my roommate, i'm realizing there's so fucking much i don't know about dating and about people in general. like, FUCK, people are weird. and complicated. and there are SO MANY people and SO MANY complications and i don't know how you're ever supposed to find someone to be happy with. i feel lucky that within only a few months of dating (and in a dozen or so first dates) i found j. so on one hand i feel like, shit, i should hold on tight cause it's rare to find someone you click with. but i'm also kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything always seems to go wrong, so fucking wrong, with these randos you meet online.

...i'm overthinking things, i know. i'm going to china for two weeks in a week so i guess i'm wondering if/how things will be different when i get back. things have already cooled off a bit between us, which is totally normal, but i do wonder a bit if this is part of the larger picture or if his attention is already waning. ...his ex def got to me more than i would have liked, ugh.

"be right back"

do you watch black mirror? well, you fucking should. i watched two episodes a couple years ago. i loved the first episode and hated the second so i stopped. there's too much good tv to waste time on shows you don't love, you know? anyway, R convinced me to start watching again and damn am i glad i did.

season 2, episode 1 - be right back
my main question wasn't "would i?" (since i definitely wouldn't [and yes i am sure]) but "is it wrong?" is it so bad if you don't move on? you are still a functioning and productive member of society; you just have this... organic robot replica of your ex lover (or child, parent, best friend, whomever). that's creepy, sure, but is it wrong? i don't think so.

having a surrogate thing means you probably won't ever move on, but why do we need to move on anyway? i think it's because not doing so denies you the possibility of having something else, and hopefully, something better. unless that person is your parent. in which case, since you usually only get two anyway, why even bother moving on? and, like, so what if you deny yourself the opportunity to meet someone better? it's not like it's a guarantee you'll find someone and be happier. nothing is actually lost, you know?

something else I wondered was, like, is it disrespectful (for lack of a better word) to "improve" your person? bigger dick, kinder person, better cook, non-smoker, more athletic, less selfish, taller, cuter, smarter, blond, whatever you want because the list is literally endless. and would these upgrades / modifications be unethical? probably not either, since it's not a sentient being and they have no will. it's like upgrading a computer.

anyway, simple questions are usually easier to answer. so, would you?

examination

had a little bit of a dtr with j last night. I texted t about it this morning and she asked "are you ever afraid i'll stop loving you as my friend? were you ever afraid rip would stop loving you?" and no, i wasn't. "i don't fear people not loving me. i do fear them leaving me... which is why i try to be self-sufficient. love doesn't really mean that much, you know? you can love someone and still leave them."

  I had sleep paralysis once. i freaked for a little bit then I calmed down and thought about how my life would change. my biggest worry was that i would become a burden on my parents.
  the other day I was posed a question of what sense i would choose to keep if i were to lose the others. i picked sight because it would allow me to lead a more independent life than if i retained a single of the others.
i thought these things had to do with not wanting to bother others, but after j's comment about not trusting people, i think it actually has to do with not wanting to depend on people, in case they leave me.

since rip's and my break two octobers ago, i've really tried to figure myself out. "An unexamined life is not worth living" and all that. it's got a lot of truth tho. i didn't realize how much i let my fear of abandonment affect my life. like every damn aspect, maybe.

it makes me sad. and a little worried. i mean, if i couldn't completely open up to rip in the nearly 18 years we were friends and more, i don't know that i'll ever be able to fully trust/depend on anyone. tho now that I know this is an issue, hopefully i'll be able to confront it more fully. ...i'm not really holding my breath tho, ha.