avoiding ghosts

how to avoid a haunted house:

- don't have kids.
- if you have kids, and a daughter, don't let her have long hair.
- if you a kid that sleepwalks, get rid of that kid immediately.
- don't buy your kids scary looking toys, especially creepy looking dolls. 
- if your kid finds a toy, get rid of the toy. to be safe, maybe the kid too.
- don't ever play creepy games with kids involving looking into mirrors.
- to prevent your kid from playing creepy games involving looking into mirrors, get rid of the kid (or mirrors, I guess)
- only get rid of your kids in a humane manner (absolutely no drowning!). and the father should probably do it, not the mother.
- hire a priest immediately if your kid has an imaginary friend. that friend is not imaginary. it's a fucking ghost.
- bring your dog to your prospective house before buying it. if your dog has a bad reaction, don't buy it; it's haunted. don't have a dog? borrow one. hell, borrow a couple anyway, in case that first dog is a dummy.
- don't get a house that doesn't have neighbors nearby. unless those neighbors are scary looking, or have kids with creepy dolls. then they're probably murderers.
- if you wake up with unexplained bruises, call a priest.
- don't investigate scary noises, especially if you're alone. and don't ever look under your bed.
- if you have the urge to turn around to see what's behind you, don't turn slow. turn fast and maybe scare that ghost first.
- inexplicable static on the tv/radio? clocks stop the same time each day for no reason? yup, you're screwed.
- get a flashlight, idiot, it's the 21st century. matches are like beacons for ghosts anyway. but be sure to constantly check your batteries.
- don't take baths. especially if it's an old standalone bathtub.
- avoid houses with wallpaper, hardwood floors, curtains, a cellar, and without modern heating.
- discover a boarded up room or cellar after moving in? gtfo!!
- after moving in, if you find anything left behind in the house, first get a priest to do a cleansing, then burn that shit.
- wd40 everything. ghosts are attracted to squeaky hinges.
- don't buy an old house (duh). a condo is probably your safest bet. apartments are occasionally haunted too. especially if they're old or it's in a high tower.
- do some freaking homework before you buy a house. someone killed themselves in there? don't buy it. (unless your dog says it's okay. but if your dog changes its mind, move immediately)

if you want to be extra careful:
- don't get a house with a lake behind it.
- if there's a big dead tree with sturdy branches in the yard, that's a sure fire sign that someone was hanged there. and yes, they're still pissed about it.
- don't have old things like antiques or heirlooms. get all your shit from ikea or target.
- don't live back east or in the midwest. what was the last ghost movie set somewhere tropical? besides, houses back east tend to be 1. old and 2. have cellars, curtains, hardwood floors, wallpaper and no modern heating. in other words, they're freaking ghost magnets.
- don't be white. being japanese probably doesn't help either.
- don't be female.
- can't say this enough, but don't have kids.

*disclaimer about kids. having one doesn't guarantee a haunting. but the more kids you have (unless they're identical twins) seems to prevent hauntings. and the older they get, the less likely anyone is to get possessed. unless they're a teenager, then you're right back in the danger zone cause teens like to play creepy games, often with mirrors. but usually that "ghost" ends up being a serial killer who only kills teens and their stupid friends. so if it's too late and you already have a teenager, start scheduling a lot of vacations away from it.