Sunday, November 29, 2015

put some color on

mom: did you buy anything? [at the carlsbad outlet before coming home]
me: yup. I bought a jacket from Reebok.
mom: another jacket?
me: yeah, but it's in a color I don't wear normally.
mom: what color? [starting to get excited] orange, purple, pink?
me: nope, dark green!
mom: ...

Monday, November 23, 2015

crying again?!

'Reasons my wife is crying' - Internet goes wild for writer's unbelievable list

"...a recent study found that people who cry more readily can experience more happiness as a result. Researchers showed volunteers some highly emotional films, and roughly half of the participants cried while watching them. While the mood of the non-criers was unchanged after seeing the films, those that had cried suddenly experienced an upsurge of happiness around 90 minutes later. "

so interesting! i tear up easily. so easily that i always get paranoid if i'm pregnant, or if someone else thinks i'm pregnant. i don't cry easily tho, since i generally don't let it go that far. but i also feel like i laugh a lot more than most people. when i lol and haha in chats, i'm actually loling irl too.

rip thinks i'm angry a lot, which i disagree with. and not just in semantics (because i think being irked, annoyed, frustrated are not the same as being angry/mad). but recently he thought i was mad when i was absolutely not. my emotions were neutral and my body was lazy. also, i think that when i get irked or annoyed, it tends to pass quickly. i rant for a bit, and it's gone. it can come back easily, but i'm pretty much over it.

one other not terribly related thing. i don't think my lows are as low as most people's. i get sad, for sure, but i don't really get sadder than sad. ...i don't even really know the words for it. depressed? heartbroken? grief-stricken, sorrowful, mournful, despondent? i certainly do get pensive and unhappy. and i've experienced heart-brokenness, but only for a minute or two, only once or twice, and not for years. i'm very lucky. not just in life, but i think in natural temperament.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

i ---- you

when on my trip last month, i didn't say "i love you" to reepal very much. i didn't notice it, but he certainly did. he informed me after i'd come back and i was shocked (and appalled and embarrassed). more than once i went thru all our text messages trying to prove him wrong. (tho he wasn't wrong enough to matter.) i don't know why i didn't say it, but i did say "i miss you" a lot.

thinking about it recently, i had the thought that "i miss you" says more than "i love you." subconsciously I feel like I already knew this, and i think that's why i'd been saying that instead.

i love you. to me, it's a passive statement. it says nothing more than exactly what it is.

i miss you. there's longing there. there's a wanting. it's certainly more active than I love you. it's physical. I feel a pulling in my chest when I say it and mean it. my missing you implies that I want to be with you, to be close to you, to interact with you.

when away, I was very conscious of an emotional distance I'd been feeling with rip. I'd not said anything to him about it tho, but I think that feeling manifested itself in my verbiage. rip didn't say anything to me about it at the time either, about me not saying "I love you" and I wonder if he noticed that I'd instead been saying "i miss you" kind of a lot. probably not, as I was away and missing him should've been a given. ...as was loving him, tho I couldn't be bothered to express that...

I have a weird relationship with words. I generally take them too seriously. but I also use them too casually, especially curse words. when asked to describe something in a few words I take forever to do so. in fights I can latch onto one of your misspoken words, even though I know you're not as careful as I. so that's probably all this is. but still. I think I might prefer someone expressing that they're missing me, rather than just loving me.

Monday, November 9, 2015

menstual cup - update

i finished my second cycle using the cup and yeah, it was better this time round. not perfect tho. i spent a lot of time stressing about leakage since i still haven't been able to rotate it 360degrees. but, overall, i do like it better. same complaints as before, but at least it's easier to get in now.

interestingly, i feel like my period was somehow shorter this time too, as it was last time. but i think that's cause i was traveling and traveling always screws me up. which makes for two consecutive travel periods so imma probably get real fucked up in December. =/