A Battle Over Santa Claus Is Blowing Up a Facebook Group for New York Moms
i figured out the truth about santa claus pretty early on. i very clearly remember going downstairs one christmas morning to find santa's present not neatly wrapped under the tree, but unwrapped and sitting in our fireplace. i think that's all it took for me to figure out that santa wasn't real.
my parents are both immigrants from a place / culture which didn't celebrate christmas and had no santa. my parents had probably asked their coworkers and friends about who he was and his background story but of they still got a few things wrong. either way, i'm glad they tried their best and played along.
as such, i would do the same for my kids, at least until they figured it out. who does it hurt? as an atheiest, christmas isn't even something i particularly participate in, but you can be damn sure my kids will be getting presents from me at christmas! having personal beliefs which run counter to general society are fine and well but your kids shouldn't have to go without a little holiday magic just because you don't personally celebrate a national holiday that our culture is crazy invested in. my kids'll figure out santa when they do. and if they catch on earlier than the other kids, i'll tell them to not ruin it for the believers out there. no need to be a grinch!
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Sunday, December 3, 2017
it ain’t easy being green
I forget what my 2017 new year’s resolution was. I’m pretty sure it was to eat less beef, which I totally have. I did it because our “regular” cows are terrible for the environment. they hella pollute our land, air, and water. damn things taste so good tho!
this year I’m going to focus on lessening my overall negative environmental impact. starting last week, lol. I’ve always donated lightly used items rather than throwing them away, and have always been careful about conserving electricity and water, and, of course, recycling paper, aluminum, and common plastics. since volunteering with SoCal harvest a number of years ago, I’ve also been pretty aware of my food waste and convinced my dad to get a compost bin for our yard. and I think he’s also on the verge of getting a rain barrel, yahoo! of course, since volunteering with algalita I’ve cut more and more plastics out of my life and have mostly stopped frivolous shopping too.
but the other day, ab said something that really got me thinking. she said that ocean institute had asked her to give a 20 minute talk at their facility down in Dana Point, which is a 60-90 minute drive from here. I said that is they were also willing to compensate her driving time... she said that even so, it wouldn’t be worth the greenhouse gases of driving down there. she is so right!
I don’t mind driving, long distances anyway. and I always try to carpool, take efficient driving routes, and don’t idle my car for more than a couple minutes (more than a minute or two, the co2 released is more than how much you would produce turning off the car and restarting it). but I really don’t think anything of driving 40 minutes away for a meal. and while I think about riding my bike to work, if I’m honest, I haven’t really seriously considered it. well, I’m gonna. ...not bike to work. it’s winter and too damn cold. but if I need to go to stater brothers up the street, I’m going to bike. and when it gets warm again I’m really really going to consider biking to work and especially to practice. and maybe get a skateboard so I won’t drive to whole foods for lunch. ...tho first learning to be way better at skateboarding, ha. tell ya what tho, I’m probably going to eat out less too. it’s not that great for the environment either. I’ll be working at the farmers market once a month anyway so can get locally sourced stuff there. ...now to learn to cook...
I’m really really gonna stop buying bottled shampoo and body wash, even the refill stuff. I’m gonna remember to avoid stuff with palm oil and too many chemicals. I’m going to pay more attention to where my food comes from and try harder to eat locally and less processed stuff and less meat in general. I’m going to start asking more often for “no straw please” and bringing my bento box for leftovers when I do eat out. and more! oy, there’s a lot to remember and do but it’ll totally be worth it!!
this year I’m going to focus on lessening my overall negative environmental impact. starting last week, lol. I’ve always donated lightly used items rather than throwing them away, and have always been careful about conserving electricity and water, and, of course, recycling paper, aluminum, and common plastics. since volunteering with SoCal harvest a number of years ago, I’ve also been pretty aware of my food waste and convinced my dad to get a compost bin for our yard. and I think he’s also on the verge of getting a rain barrel, yahoo! of course, since volunteering with algalita I’ve cut more and more plastics out of my life and have mostly stopped frivolous shopping too.
but the other day, ab said something that really got me thinking. she said that ocean institute had asked her to give a 20 minute talk at their facility down in Dana Point, which is a 60-90 minute drive from here. I said that is they were also willing to compensate her driving time... she said that even so, it wouldn’t be worth the greenhouse gases of driving down there. she is so right!
I don’t mind driving, long distances anyway. and I always try to carpool, take efficient driving routes, and don’t idle my car for more than a couple minutes (more than a minute or two, the co2 released is more than how much you would produce turning off the car and restarting it). but I really don’t think anything of driving 40 minutes away for a meal. and while I think about riding my bike to work, if I’m honest, I haven’t really seriously considered it. well, I’m gonna. ...not bike to work. it’s winter and too damn cold. but if I need to go to stater brothers up the street, I’m going to bike. and when it gets warm again I’m really really going to consider biking to work and especially to practice. and maybe get a skateboard so I won’t drive to whole foods for lunch. ...tho first learning to be way better at skateboarding, ha. tell ya what tho, I’m probably going to eat out less too. it’s not that great for the environment either. I’ll be working at the farmers market once a month anyway so can get locally sourced stuff there. ...now to learn to cook...
I’m really really gonna stop buying bottled shampoo and body wash, even the refill stuff. I’m gonna remember to avoid stuff with palm oil and too many chemicals. I’m going to pay more attention to where my food comes from and try harder to eat locally and less processed stuff and less meat in general. I’m going to start asking more often for “no straw please” and bringing my bento box for leftovers when I do eat out. and more! oy, there’s a lot to remember and do but it’ll totally be worth it!!
Thursday, November 16, 2017
culture shock
we finally fought, lol. it wasn't much of a fight tho, honestly. firstly, we didn't disagree. secondly, he fucked up and he knew it and, more importantly, he took ownership of it. i had said before that I was curious what our first fight would reveal about us, and from this, I learned that we're going to be okay. granted, we didn't fight fight so I guess it's premature to think that we're compatible in this way, but still.
I had lunch with mike yesterday and we talked about how different j's and my family are. it'll be quite the culture shock should he ever get to really interact with mine. I will likely never randomly bring him over; I'll have to call my parents and give them some warning. my family is just so much more formal than his is. and of my childhood, I think my parents are actually middle of the road. he's never dated an Asian Asian before (his last ex was Asian but was adopted by non-Asians) and, well, you know my history. it'll be weird should any of this have to come up later. tho i am encouraged that he's pretty culinarily adventurous. that'll make things easier for sure.
I had lunch with mike yesterday and we talked about how different j's and my family are. it'll be quite the culture shock should he ever get to really interact with mine. I will likely never randomly bring him over; I'll have to call my parents and give them some warning. my family is just so much more formal than his is. and of my childhood, I think my parents are actually middle of the road. he's never dated an Asian Asian before (his last ex was Asian but was adopted by non-Asians) and, well, you know my history. it'll be weird should any of this have to come up later. tho i am encouraged that he's pretty culinarily adventurous. that'll make things easier for sure.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
gun culture
What Explains U.S. Mass Shootings? International Comparisons Suggest an Answer
interesting article with some info that was new to me, especially the "the difference is culture" section. the thing is, all the statistics, studies, *proof*, that gun control works doesn't matter because the anti-gun control people aren't seeing the debate in a rational way. they see it thru another lens entirely, so they really have no use for your logic. gun control advocates should find out the actual real deep down reason their opposition doesn't want regulation. only then will there be progress.
interesting article with some info that was new to me, especially the "the difference is culture" section. the thing is, all the statistics, studies, *proof*, that gun control works doesn't matter because the anti-gun control people aren't seeing the debate in a rational way. they see it thru another lens entirely, so they really have no use for your logic. gun control advocates should find out the actual real deep down reason their opposition doesn't want regulation. only then will there be progress.
Monday, November 13, 2017
petition
got a change.org email asking me to sign a petition to ban anatomically correct child dolls.
Right now, teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors, in every town in America, can purchase lifelike, anatomically correct dolls designed to simulate sex with a child. And it’s perfectly legal.
These sick dolls are being imported into the United States and other countries. British police have seized more than 100 already in the UK, and authorities have found that the people buying them usually have child pornography too.
Sign this petition to ban the sale and distribution of child sex dolls!
These child sex dolls can normalize a pedophile’s behaviors, emboldening them to harm children, as is often the case with those who view child pornography.
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 children are sexually abused. One child is too many. Our elected officials need to protect children. That’s why Congressman Dan Donovan from New York is introducing legislation that will ban the distribution and sale of dolls that encourage child abuse.
Show your support for this legislation by signing this petition, and help protect America’s children!
not sure how I feel about this. I mean, obviously I'm against any kind of sexual conduct towards the underage. but if these people are having sex with dolls, will it deter them from having sex with actual kids or is it more of a gateway thing? cause if most of them use it as an outlet, rather than a stimulus, then we should not ban these dolls. gross as they are, they would be deterring crime.
the email itself is really weird too, why does it say that "teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors" can buy these? I can't think of a reason why these people would need such a doll, but I dunno. I think the petition would have sat better with me had it said that perverts can buy these dolls.
Right now, teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors, in every town in America, can purchase lifelike, anatomically correct dolls designed to simulate sex with a child. And it’s perfectly legal.
These sick dolls are being imported into the United States and other countries. British police have seized more than 100 already in the UK, and authorities have found that the people buying them usually have child pornography too.
Sign this petition to ban the sale and distribution of child sex dolls!
These child sex dolls can normalize a pedophile’s behaviors, emboldening them to harm children, as is often the case with those who view child pornography.
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 children are sexually abused. One child is too many. Our elected officials need to protect children. That’s why Congressman Dan Donovan from New York is introducing legislation that will ban the distribution and sale of dolls that encourage child abuse.
Show your support for this legislation by signing this petition, and help protect America’s children!
not sure how I feel about this. I mean, obviously I'm against any kind of sexual conduct towards the underage. but if these people are having sex with dolls, will it deter them from having sex with actual kids or is it more of a gateway thing? cause if most of them use it as an outlet, rather than a stimulus, then we should not ban these dolls. gross as they are, they would be deterring crime.
the email itself is really weird too, why does it say that "teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors" can buy these? I can't think of a reason why these people would need such a doll, but I dunno. I think the petition would have sat better with me had it said that perverts can buy these dolls.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
still me
I gotta admit, for a little bit I thought everyone had been right all along, that it really was about being with the "right" person. then I found my head again, haha.
a couple weeks ago he asked where I saw us in a year. I carefully responded with "well, you'll still be in school and I'll almost definitely still be working at algalita. ...where do you see us?" he agreed that nothing much would change but that he would like to live together, "sooner or later." I thought about it for a week and told him that while it wasn't something I didn't want, it likely wouldn't be something I would initiate. there would need to be another catalyst, like me finally getting fed up with my roommate(s), or our apartment burning down, or him finding us the perfect place. turns out, he basically already knew this so, whew! more importantly, he seems okay with it too. I'm honestly really glad that he's comfortable with pushing me. I've known for a long time I needed a partner like that, and I feel pretty lucky that not only will he push me as needed but that he already knows this is something I need.
it's probably because I'm afraid of commitment and that I have no lifetime "relationship goals" that i am super comfortable with stagnation in my relationships. j had said that he worries that I'll one day, like a decade or two later, want out. obviously, this isn't an unfounded fear. but I hate that I did that and I have the intention to never do it again. (yup, not no intention to do it again, but an active intention *not* to) I told him that I want to have some kind of plan with him. not necessarily marriage or anything so serious, but a plan of any sort. I don't care if we take the longest scenic route to get there, but I do want to head in at least the vaguest direction of where we think we might want to end up possibly someday. Barcelona, he said. I think that's a good plan as any. here's hoping that we, and Spain itself, can hold it together thru march.
a couple weeks ago he asked where I saw us in a year. I carefully responded with "well, you'll still be in school and I'll almost definitely still be working at algalita. ...where do you see us?" he agreed that nothing much would change but that he would like to live together, "sooner or later." I thought about it for a week and told him that while it wasn't something I didn't want, it likely wouldn't be something I would initiate. there would need to be another catalyst, like me finally getting fed up with my roommate(s), or our apartment burning down, or him finding us the perfect place. turns out, he basically already knew this so, whew! more importantly, he seems okay with it too. I'm honestly really glad that he's comfortable with pushing me. I've known for a long time I needed a partner like that, and I feel pretty lucky that not only will he push me as needed but that he already knows this is something I need.
it's probably because I'm afraid of commitment and that I have no lifetime "relationship goals" that i am super comfortable with stagnation in my relationships. j had said that he worries that I'll one day, like a decade or two later, want out. obviously, this isn't an unfounded fear. but I hate that I did that and I have the intention to never do it again. (yup, not no intention to do it again, but an active intention *not* to) I told him that I want to have some kind of plan with him. not necessarily marriage or anything so serious, but a plan of any sort. I don't care if we take the longest scenic route to get there, but I do want to head in at least the vaguest direction of where we think we might want to end up possibly someday. Barcelona, he said. I think that's a good plan as any. here's hoping that we, and Spain itself, can hold it together thru march.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
why him or her?
Why You Want Who You Want
"...four neural systems that underlie our major constellations of personality traits—the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen/oxytocin systems.
"Fisher created a 56-question survey to measure how many traits in each of these four systems a person expresses—in other words, which neural systems dominate your personality. More than 14 million people have taken the survey through Chemistry.com and Match.com. Fisher, who may be best known for imaging the brains of people in love, also used fMRI scanners to confirm that particpants' reported traits matched expected neural activity patterns.
"She found that people with dopamine-dominant personalities (curious, creative, adventurous types) tend to be drawn to fellow dopamine-influenced adventurers. Serotonin-dominant people (traditional, conscientious, and rule-following) are also drawn to people like themselves. On the other hand, testosterone-dominant people (analytical, skeptical, and tough-minded) and estrogen-dominant individuals (nurturing, contextual, imaginative) are drawn to each other, essentially to their behavioral opposites.
"We all have all four systems, and everyone has a different ratio..."
Which systems do you identify more with?
I lean toward dopamine dominant. and I'm pretty definitely testosterone dominant, lol. j is, as he "should" be, dopamine dominant, tho I'm uncertain how much he leans to either testosterone or estrogen. but certainly he's more estrogen dominant than I am!
Monday, November 6, 2017
the feels
I've started reading fiction again and i actually rather dislike it. it's fake and it feels manipulative. maybe it's cause I'm reading Jhumpa Lahiri (Unaccustomed Earth) who doesn't write about happy things, but still, i feel like I'm being used somehow.
I'm reading j's suggestion of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist next. hopefully I'll feel better about fiction after.
I'm reading j's suggestion of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist next. hopefully I'll feel better about fiction after.
Monday, October 9, 2017
dear john
probably weird timing to write this. over a year after rip and i broke up, and well into a relationship with j. but ap talking about him so much lately has got me thinking about why we never got together.
obviously, reason number one is that i was with rip for the first like 4 years of knowing john. so of course we never happened. it's weird too, being in a relationship, often you just don't notice other people. even when you do, you sort of automatically think they don't notice you (since you're unavailable) so you don't pick up on any of the signs of them liking you (no matter how obvious). other people see it all, but you're completely blind to it. it's pretty great, actually!
another reason was also the distance. when i was finally single and something finally happened between us, we were both okay to let it go. we still lived on opposite ends of the country so logistically it would've been stupid. i'm sure it helped that it was so many years after the initial spark.
one other thing, besides all the rationalities, is that i think i never really felt that special to him. he loves attention. from anyone. and he didn't set it aside for me (not that he should've). i think ultimately you want to be with someone who makes you feel special. makes you feel like you're the only one in the world to them, for them, with them. i didn't really get that from him. probably because rip was always there in our minds, lol, so there was *always* someone besides the other.
anyway, i hope ap has a much more satisfying conclusion to the john saga, lol!
obviously, reason number one is that i was with rip for the first like 4 years of knowing john. so of course we never happened. it's weird too, being in a relationship, often you just don't notice other people. even when you do, you sort of automatically think they don't notice you (since you're unavailable) so you don't pick up on any of the signs of them liking you (no matter how obvious). other people see it all, but you're completely blind to it. it's pretty great, actually!
another reason was also the distance. when i was finally single and something finally happened between us, we were both okay to let it go. we still lived on opposite ends of the country so logistically it would've been stupid. i'm sure it helped that it was so many years after the initial spark.
one other thing, besides all the rationalities, is that i think i never really felt that special to him. he loves attention. from anyone. and he didn't set it aside for me (not that he should've). i think ultimately you want to be with someone who makes you feel special. makes you feel like you're the only one in the world to them, for them, with them. i didn't really get that from him. probably because rip was always there in our minds, lol, so there was *always* someone besides the other.
anyway, i hope ap has a much more satisfying conclusion to the john saga, lol!
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
shoulder angels for hire
my computer was acting up a couple weeks ago. i decided to ask tt for help but he was away on vacay. he returned, i put it off another few days, then yesterday rip randomly texted me. so i told him about the computer. he came over at night to look at it (j and i had previously planned not to see each other anyway). we went to dinner. i snapped the meal and him a couple times too.
g very quickly wrote back that "i think its weird you guys are hanging." ...thank you for the completely unsolicited judgement. i hadn't even sent her the snap. she just saw it in my story.
t cautiously texted this morning "how was your dinner with rip yesterday?" and after my response, "how does j--. feel about all of that?"
ap replied to my snap last night with a puzzled face and today repeatedly warned me not to sleep with rip. ...in case i forgot?
i'm annoyed as fuck. i appreciate everyone trying to keep me honest, but i don't need your judgments or reminders to not cheat on my boyfriend with an ex i'm not interested in. j and i are doing fine and he knows about the whole rip thing. he isn't stressed. rip is also well aware i have a boyfriend and am not interested in getting back together with him.
in fact, for all you overly curious types, at dinner rip and i talked about him being on tinder and when we got back to my place we "played" together, looking at girls and swiping left or right. he has very different taste than me, lol. sure it was a little weird, but we know what we're doing. we limit our interaction and keep things present. sorry / not sorry we can make a friendship work. i *am* sorry for you that you and your exes can't and so you're suspicious of others who can. it's not to say that we have a perfect friendship or that we'll always be friends, but for now it's working. and j gets it.
christ. i'm offended that my friends think i can't keep it in my pants. or that i have completely no regard for the feelings of either j or rip. fuck you, i'm not that much of a robot.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
the other shoe
things are really good. i wonder sometimes how much is him, and how much is us. but i also wonder (because i'm me) of when things won't be good. i wouldn't say that i'm looking forward to our first fight, but i am definitely curious how it'll go. when, of course, and what it'll be about. what it'll reveal about us individually, and us together. his ex said he had anger issues. i haven't seen any of that. possibly not yet, anyway. he says that he gets loud when he gets mad. but besides that, he needs his space. i'm like that too, with the space. not so much with the volume, tho i have certainly yelled back before...
i do believe that certain personality traits can be amplified in the presence of others. i don't think we have that tho. we seem to be alike where we should be, and different where we should be also. that's not to say that we're perfect for each other! i mean, honestly, we don't know each other that well yet. we haven't particularly been tested yet. well, the whole thing with his ex was definitely a test for me. i can't say that i loved the way he handled it but then, i might've done it that way too. ...not the "warning text" that's for sure, but possibly the stuff afterwards. anyway, that was a while ago. i marvel sometimes how quickly the 6 months have passed. i sometimes feel like i've known him for longer. i guess that's what happens when you see each other as often as we do? also, i'm getting older, and time seems to speed up faster and faster as you age. which is so unfair, lol.
anyway, no real point to this post, only to say that i wonder when we'll fight. and if only because i feel like you can get to really know someone when they're angry. you're on your best behavior for much of the beginning, but when you're mad, it's so easy to let that facade go. so, how far will it go?
i do believe that certain personality traits can be amplified in the presence of others. i don't think we have that tho. we seem to be alike where we should be, and different where we should be also. that's not to say that we're perfect for each other! i mean, honestly, we don't know each other that well yet. we haven't particularly been tested yet. well, the whole thing with his ex was definitely a test for me. i can't say that i loved the way he handled it but then, i might've done it that way too. ...not the "warning text" that's for sure, but possibly the stuff afterwards. anyway, that was a while ago. i marvel sometimes how quickly the 6 months have passed. i sometimes feel like i've known him for longer. i guess that's what happens when you see each other as often as we do? also, i'm getting older, and time seems to speed up faster and faster as you age. which is so unfair, lol.
anyway, no real point to this post, only to say that i wonder when we'll fight. and if only because i feel like you can get to really know someone when they're angry. you're on your best behavior for much of the beginning, but when you're mad, it's so easy to let that facade go. so, how far will it go?
Sunday, September 10, 2017
change
change will lead to insight far more often than insight will lead to change - Milton H. Erickson
I've had this quotation written on my mirror for a few months now and, jeebus, its truth strikes me even now. in thinking back on all the life changes in the last couple years... i can't believe how much I've learned about myself and about others, not just those I'm close to, but about people in general.
and to think how often we are scared of change!
I've had this quotation written on my mirror for a few months now and, jeebus, its truth strikes me even now. in thinking back on all the life changes in the last couple years... i can't believe how much I've learned about myself and about others, not just those I'm close to, but about people in general.
and to think how often we are scared of change!
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
what happened to Monday?
what happened to monday?
oy. such interesting questions this movie brings up!
1. what will happen when the world runs out of resources to support our human population? what lengths should we go to prevent that (or should we at all)?
2. is the collective survival of our species more important than an individual's survival? how about many individuals?
3. is there a right to life? is there a lesser or greater right to life?
4. how far would you go for your children?
5. at what point do your parents' choices for your life become your own?
and the age old 6. nature vs. nurture?
oy. such interesting questions this movie brings up!
1. what will happen when the world runs out of resources to support our human population? what lengths should we go to prevent that (or should we at all)?
2. is the collective survival of our species more important than an individual's survival? how about many individuals?
3. is there a right to life? is there a lesser or greater right to life?
4. how far would you go for your children?
5. at what point do your parents' choices for your life become your own?
and the age old 6. nature vs. nurture?
Monday, August 21, 2017
you down?
Has Prenatal Genetic Testing Gone Too Far?
this article strikes a chord with me because i've actually thought about this fairly recently. rip and i had talked about it before, and we had agreed that we would ask for prenatal genetic testing and would very likely abort should it reveal that our child would have certain mental or physical conditions. i've never wanted to be a parent anyway and decided that i would not want to take on the additional challenges of raising a child with particular handicaps.
j and i obviously haven't talked about raising kids together. but i've thought about this exact issue because, in fact, his youngest brother has down syndrome. i have no idea if he would want to do prenatal testing, or what he would want to do after knowing the results. i do know that if i only found out after giving birth that my child had certain conditions, i would certainly not shirk the responsibilities of raising it the best i could. and i'm certain i would love it just the same.
this article strikes a chord with me because i've actually thought about this fairly recently. rip and i had talked about it before, and we had agreed that we would ask for prenatal genetic testing and would very likely abort should it reveal that our child would have certain mental or physical conditions. i've never wanted to be a parent anyway and decided that i would not want to take on the additional challenges of raising a child with particular handicaps.
j and i obviously haven't talked about raising kids together. but i've thought about this exact issue because, in fact, his youngest brother has down syndrome. i have no idea if he would want to do prenatal testing, or what he would want to do after knowing the results. i do know that if i only found out after giving birth that my child had certain conditions, i would certainly not shirk the responsibilities of raising it the best i could. and i'm certain i would love it just the same.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
let them eat meat
have been thinking about vegetarianism a lot lately. ab is mostly one, al is sometimes one. and both do it for ethical reasons. at cmg back in may, ashley said she became one after many years of knowing about the issues and caring about them, but not quite caring enough. one day tho, it just clicked.
when i was much younger i used to want to become a vegetarian. a fruitarian even, after a flight where the woman next to me got a special fruit only meal. back then i wanted to because it seemed cool somehow. and also because it seemed like an interesting exercise in discipline. i didn't do either tho because i didn't really care to commit and i ate at home where my mom made at least one meat dish every meal, and still later i realized that i LOVE meat. ha.
but starting maybe 10 years ago, i started becoming aware of all the environmental issues concerning eating meat. i always knew about animal rights, but they didn't really bother me much because i felt that 1. humans had evolved to eat meat and 2. nearly all the animals we eat only exist because we domesticated them for food.
recently tho, it's really starting to bother me. even the animals rights stuff. we treat our livestock terribly. really really terribly. and eating large-scale commercially sourced meat is bad for the environment. really really bad.
my parents leave on a month-long vacation later this year. i think i'll try out vegetarianism then. i probably won't be too strict on it, but i'll try much harder than i am right now. currently i'll do non-meat when i remember to, and when i feel like it. to be fair, i usually feel like it, but i very often forget. that's the problem when your convictions aren't too strong, i guess. anyway, why not now? because most of my main meals are prepared for me by my mom or even j. ...i know, i know... but let's save that ethical dilemma for another post, yeah?
ps, while vegetarian, should i come across a restaurant serving roadkill tho i'll probably stuff myself silly. it sounds gross, but here's why.
when i was much younger i used to want to become a vegetarian. a fruitarian even, after a flight where the woman next to me got a special fruit only meal. back then i wanted to because it seemed cool somehow. and also because it seemed like an interesting exercise in discipline. i didn't do either tho because i didn't really care to commit and i ate at home where my mom made at least one meat dish every meal, and still later i realized that i LOVE meat. ha.
but starting maybe 10 years ago, i started becoming aware of all the environmental issues concerning eating meat. i always knew about animal rights, but they didn't really bother me much because i felt that 1. humans had evolved to eat meat and 2. nearly all the animals we eat only exist because we domesticated them for food.
recently tho, it's really starting to bother me. even the animals rights stuff. we treat our livestock terribly. really really terribly. and eating large-scale commercially sourced meat is bad for the environment. really really bad.
my parents leave on a month-long vacation later this year. i think i'll try out vegetarianism then. i probably won't be too strict on it, but i'll try much harder than i am right now. currently i'll do non-meat when i remember to, and when i feel like it. to be fair, i usually feel like it, but i very often forget. that's the problem when your convictions aren't too strong, i guess. anyway, why not now? because most of my main meals are prepared for me by my mom or even j. ...i know, i know... but let's save that ethical dilemma for another post, yeah?
ps, while vegetarian, should i come across a restaurant serving roadkill tho i'll probably stuff myself silly. it sounds gross, but here's why.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
love is...
the hard thing about love is that everyone defines it differently. m said recently that love to him means wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone. apparently j used to define it the same way. that and never giving up on someone. oy.
love, to me, is completely different. for me, love is the physical feeling. liking someone doesn't have a physical weight to me. loving someone does. i can feel it in my chest. as if the amount or the intensity has made it a tangible thing that takes up space in my body.
i feel like wanting to spend your life with someone, or never wanting to give up on them, can be a consequence of love. but that's not what love actually is. maybe that's why i can so easily say that love doesn't mean very much. because you can certainly love someone and leave them. love someone and hurt them. because love is just a feeling. actions don't necessarily follow.
the other thing about love is that even if you define it the same way, it still might not actually be the same thing. there is no objective scale here. your 9 of 10 might only be my 6 of 10. you'll be disappointed to hear i'm only at a 6 but maybe i have a broader scale or higher hopes.
how "funny" that i've never asked anyone before what love means to them.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
igen
Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?
"12th-graders in 2015 were going out less often than eighth-graders did as recently as 2009." they're also dating, going out, sexing, pregnant-ing, sleeping less and getting their drivers licence later. they're also more likely to be depressed, suicidal, and feel lonely.
remind me, yeah?, if i ever have kids, to take away their phones at a certain time of night, and give it back sometime after they get ready for school.
btw, "Asked by our parents, 'When will you be home?,' we replied, 'When do I have to be?'” OMG YES. tho apparently this is not kids today. oy!
"12th-graders in 2015 were going out less often than eighth-graders did as recently as 2009." they're also dating, going out, sexing, pregnant-ing, sleeping less and getting their drivers licence later. they're also more likely to be depressed, suicidal, and feel lonely.
remind me, yeah?, if i ever have kids, to take away their phones at a certain time of night, and give it back sometime after they get ready for school.
btw, "Asked by our parents, 'When will you be home?,' we replied, 'When do I have to be?'” OMG YES. tho apparently this is not kids today. oy!
Friday, July 28, 2017
head on
was talking to ab at work the other day who said that she had a difficult with her boyfriend r sometimes. she didn't feel special because he tried to treat everyone the same way: really well. i think i have the same issue. i try to be considerate always. not just to the people i care about. and it really doesn't help that i'm not particularly considerate to begin with anyway! ...seriously.
i'm trying tho. in some ways it's easier with a new person cause you aren't as comfortable with them. of course, i'm also not perceptive so i haven't figured out what especially considerate behaviors he appreciates the most. as usual, i'm blundering my way thru everything. ...seriously.
i was stressing this morning cause things the last couple days have felt off. we've seen each other a lot but i think we both have a lot on our minds. (tourney is this weekend!) he asked a couple days ago too, if i was mad at him. i wasn't. not even annoyed. anyway, i'm busy thru monday, and in two weeks he'll be leaving for about two weeks. it bothers me how i'm actually a little relieved that we'll be occupied with our own lives. do i really hate "confrontation" that much?
i'm trying tho. in some ways it's easier with a new person cause you aren't as comfortable with them. of course, i'm also not perceptive so i haven't figured out what especially considerate behaviors he appreciates the most. as usual, i'm blundering my way thru everything. ...seriously.
i was stressing this morning cause things the last couple days have felt off. we've seen each other a lot but i think we both have a lot on our minds. (tourney is this weekend!) he asked a couple days ago too, if i was mad at him. i wasn't. not even annoyed. anyway, i'm busy thru monday, and in two weeks he'll be leaving for about two weeks. it bothers me how i'm actually a little relieved that we'll be occupied with our own lives. do i really hate "confrontation" that much?
Saturday, July 22, 2017
When breath becomes air quotations
need a good cry? read this book: Paul Kalanithi - When Breath Becomes Air
dammit, read this fucking book anyway.
"And medical schools have discontinued the support of the practice of robbing graves to procure cadavers--that looting itself and vast improvement over murder, a means once common enough to warrant its own verb: burke, which the OED defines as 'to kill secretly by suffocation or strangulation, or for the purpose of selling the victims body for dissection.'" p47
"An alcoholic, his blood no longer able to clot, who bled to death into his joints and under his skin. Every day the bruises would spread. Before he became delirious, he looked up at me and said, "it's not fair--I've been diluting my drinks with water.'" p77
"The root of disaster means start coming apart, and no image expresses better the look in a patient's eyes when hearing a neurosurgeon's diagnosis. Sometimes the news so shocks in mind that the brain suffers an electrical short. This phenomenon is known as a "psychogenic" syndrome, a severe version of the swoon some experience after hearing bad news... One of my patients, upon being diagnosed with brain cancer, fell suddenly into a coma. I ordered a battery of labs, scans, and EEGs, searching for a cause, without result. The definitive test was the simplest: I raised the patient's arm above his face to let go. A patient in a psychogenic coma contains just enough volition to avoid hitting himself. The treatment consists in speaking reassuringly, until your words connect and the patient awakens." p90-91
"The word hope first appeared in English about a thousand years ago, denoting some combination of confidence and desire." p133
"If the weight of mortality does not get lighter, does it at least to get more familiar?" p 138
"Moral duty has weight, things that have weight have gravity, and so the duty to bear mortal responsibility pulled me back into the operating room." p151
"...mercy trumps justice every time." p171
and finally: "I don't want to learn about your worries by accident." because this is how how my deepest worries are usually expressed.
dammit, read this fucking book anyway.
"And medical schools have discontinued the support of the practice of robbing graves to procure cadavers--that looting itself and vast improvement over murder, a means once common enough to warrant its own verb: burke, which the OED defines as 'to kill secretly by suffocation or strangulation, or for the purpose of selling the victims body for dissection.'" p47
"An alcoholic, his blood no longer able to clot, who bled to death into his joints and under his skin. Every day the bruises would spread. Before he became delirious, he looked up at me and said, "it's not fair--I've been diluting my drinks with water.'" p77
"The root of disaster means start coming apart, and no image expresses better the look in a patient's eyes when hearing a neurosurgeon's diagnosis. Sometimes the news so shocks in mind that the brain suffers an electrical short. This phenomenon is known as a "psychogenic" syndrome, a severe version of the swoon some experience after hearing bad news... One of my patients, upon being diagnosed with brain cancer, fell suddenly into a coma. I ordered a battery of labs, scans, and EEGs, searching for a cause, without result. The definitive test was the simplest: I raised the patient's arm above his face to let go. A patient in a psychogenic coma contains just enough volition to avoid hitting himself. The treatment consists in speaking reassuringly, until your words connect and the patient awakens." p90-91
"The word hope first appeared in English about a thousand years ago, denoting some combination of confidence and desire." p133
"If the weight of mortality does not get lighter, does it at least to get more familiar?" p 138
"Moral duty has weight, things that have weight have gravity, and so the duty to bear mortal responsibility pulled me back into the operating room." p151
"...mercy trumps justice every time." p171
and finally: "I don't want to learn about your worries by accident." because this is how how my deepest worries are usually expressed.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
bucket list update
whoa, i found my old bucket lists! my life one from 2012 (which was updated from 2010), and a 2013 year one. i'm happy to say that even without trying, i've managed to cross a bunch of things off my list!
- go to spain to eat tapas and see gaudi, go to petra,
-get a pixi cut (2017) or shave head entirely
- go skydiving, cliff diving, scuba diving,snorkeling (twice!), swim with sharks, and paddle in a glass bottom kayak
- go on a windmill tour (like this one),ride in a hot air balloon (sorta in 2103?), more spelunking! ...well, more walking through caves anyway
- go on a cross country road trip
- learn to drive a motorcycle, go luge!!! (tho i may have to settle for skeleton)
-learn archery, rock climbing, knife-throwing, or how to throw a javelin
- at least once, watch all the current best picture nominations for an oscar
- see aurora borealis, watch a meteor shower (well, technically i did last summer but i want to see a GOOD one)
-make my own jam (it didn't turn out as jam, but i did make it!), make peppermint bark
- learn how to knit / crochet,use a potter's wheel, solder correctly, or weld
- make my own terrarium,make a quilt (well, i had three made for "me," hahah)
-go to rose bowl flea market
-go to the getty villa (2017)
-go to la city central library and the last bookstore (both done multiple times now!)
-drive-in movie (2016)
-make a xmas wreath
- when in china this summer, visit bookworm in beijing.
-go to the underground gardens in fresno (i'm almost positive it won't be as good as i'm expecting it to be.) (2016 it def wasn't as cool as i was hoping, but still cool!)
- go to palm springs to kayak the salton sea and go do a windmill tour (like this one or this one)
- if i'm ever near ojai, visit bart's books, the largest independently owned and operated outdoor bookstore in the u.s.
well, well!! i'm glad i found this tho i have a LOT more things to add now, haha. they're mostly travel things: go to turkey, go to iceland, go to chicago (and to that ax throwing place), see bioluminescent plankton at an actual beach, go "sledding" in beijing, go to the other side of the bund in shanghai, go to toronto, go see so many places i've added to my email list, and omg way too much to list. hopefully i'll find this again in a few years and be able to cross off even more. :)
- go to spain to eat tapas and see gaudi, go to petra,
-
- go skydiving, cliff diving, scuba diving,
- go on a windmill tour (like this one),
- go on a cross country road trip
- learn to drive a motorcycle, go luge!!! (tho i may have to settle for skeleton)
-
- at least once, watch all the current best picture nominations for an oscar
- see aurora borealis, watch a meteor shower (well, technically i did last summer but i want to see a GOOD one)
-
- learn how to knit / crochet,
- make my own terrarium,
-
-
-
-
-
- when in china this summer, visit bookworm in beijing.
-
- go to palm springs to kayak the salton sea and go do a windmill tour (like this one or this one)
- if i'm ever near ojai, visit bart's books, the largest independently owned and operated outdoor bookstore in the u.s.
well, well!! i'm glad i found this tho i have a LOT more things to add now, haha. they're mostly travel things: go to turkey, go to iceland, go to chicago (and to that ax throwing place), see bioluminescent plankton at an actual beach, go "sledding" in beijing, go to the other side of the bund in shanghai, go to toronto, go see so many places i've added to my email list, and omg way too much to list. hopefully i'll find this again in a few years and be able to cross off even more. :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
2+ is perfect
The Surprising Conclusion From the Biggest Polyamory Survey Ever
was talking about polyamory the other week with j. he doesn't think he could do it because of, well, jealousy. i think i might be able to. not that i would be the polyamorous one, but i think i might be okay sharing a partner. i generally don't feel like i'm ever enough for a person. in thinking about my past... well, not relationships but er... romantic dawdling, i've said before that I usually ended it because i lost interest. but, in really thinking about it, it was usually because he wanted more than i was willing to give. I knew i wouldn't want to give more, even down the line, so i did the kind thing and ended things. better to slightly hurt someone now, than to have them invest and hurt them a lot later, right? ...honestly, i probably just gave up. rip said once that i have difficulty taking things to completion. i'm pretty sure he was right. it's the whole commitment thing rearing its ugly head again.
anyway, i also talked about this years ago with another friend. he was frustrated because his sexual needs (among a few other needs) weren't being fulfilled by his wife. i forget how it was brought up, but we talked about sexual surrogacy. which he was accepting of, but knew his wife would not be into. it's funny because i think that's usually the case. you're unfulfilled, so you're okay with alternatives. the person who is "lacking" isn't okay with you getting your needs met by someone else, but at the same time isn't willing (or is unable) to satisfy you.
i don't know. this is all theoretical (or is it hypothetical?). ultimately i would hope i could "rise to the occasion" and meet my partner more than halfway so that we're both happy with each other, and each other only.
was talking about polyamory the other week with j. he doesn't think he could do it because of, well, jealousy. i think i might be able to. not that i would be the polyamorous one, but i think i might be okay sharing a partner. i generally don't feel like i'm ever enough for a person. in thinking about my past... well, not relationships but er... romantic dawdling, i've said before that I usually ended it because i lost interest. but, in really thinking about it, it was usually because he wanted more than i was willing to give. I knew i wouldn't want to give more, even down the line, so i did the kind thing and ended things. better to slightly hurt someone now, than to have them invest and hurt them a lot later, right? ...honestly, i probably just gave up. rip said once that i have difficulty taking things to completion. i'm pretty sure he was right. it's the whole commitment thing rearing its ugly head again.
anyway, i also talked about this years ago with another friend. he was frustrated because his sexual needs (among a few other needs) weren't being fulfilled by his wife. i forget how it was brought up, but we talked about sexual surrogacy. which he was accepting of, but knew his wife would not be into. it's funny because i think that's usually the case. you're unfulfilled, so you're okay with alternatives. the person who is "lacking" isn't okay with you getting your needs met by someone else, but at the same time isn't willing (or is unable) to satisfy you.
i don't know. this is all theoretical (or is it hypothetical?). ultimately i would hope i could "rise to the occasion" and meet my partner more than halfway so that we're both happy with each other, and each other only.
Friday, July 14, 2017
we never left
you grow up judging your parents. you blame them for stuff you later realize they had no control over. as adults you start to be kind to them. you realize they are who they are in large part because of how they were raised, the social climate of the times, and the circumstances of their lives. but you still carry that judgement, and you vow that you will be different. i have the feeling tho, that when i'm 70 i'll be acting the way they do. extended shouting matches rather than my current detached silence. you can't help it, i think. in talking with friends now, we explain our current behaviors by analyzing our upbringing. it's kind of crazy how little control you have over yourself.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
china notes 3
Gender parity - there are a lot of women doing what in America is generally considered men's jobs. Lots of ladies on the airport tarmac, in Security, and doing construction jobs, even carrying heavy loads of rocks in straw baskets on their backs.
Minorities - cool that they highlight them but it seems a little exploitative too.
Tibetans - that yak butter tea isn't bad and I love their traditional clothing, those simple robe-like things and long skirts? I wish I could've bought one tho really, where would I wear it?
Clothing - the women here dress so femininely. Dresses, skirts, and blouses with flowers, lace, and ruffles. After coming here I always think i should dress a little more girly, especially this year, what with the short hair. Still, there are a lot more women in sneakers now, and shorts are shorter too, tho tank tops are still uncommon. I actually went into a store with the full intention of probably buying something but just could not find anything I wouldn't feel stupid wearing. I need to satorically branch out...
Cute guys - almost a complete lack of attractive men here. And it's not just where I traveled to this time. I've thought this every time I've come. A big part of this is probably because I was brought up in a western society so my tastes skew away from east Asian guys, but a lot of the men on their TV and advertisements are good looking so where are they irl? Their clothes don't help tho, lol.
Tattoos - way more now on the young people, even the women. Still rare tho, and very few big pieces like half or full sleeves. Very little color, and mostly abstract pieces.
Smoking - less than before, but still a lot. Don't think I saw a single woman smoke tho, interestingly enough.
I'm tall! Not by a lot, but a couple inches than most of the women here, old or young. Imma keep visiting south China, lol.
Grooming - lots of guys with long fingernails with one super long pinkie fingernail. They openly use toothpicks and also clean their ears at the dinner table. Females rarely shave.
Kids - the little emperor thing is real. But I did see multiple families with more than one kid, which was always surprising.
On my 6th trip to China I'm a little surprised by how easily I become Chinese again: jaywalking, cutting lines, verbally snapping at randos, I rarely even take photos of bad English signage anymore. I've been assuming this is going to be my last trip for a while. No longer being safety director likely means no thank you china trip. on paper I'm still the head of the uscdbc so who knows, tho I can't be bothered to try to earn this trip anymore. Honestly, I've seen so much of China I can't believe it. I've really tried to pack it in each time (excluding my first icdbf trip) and I'm so thankful for the financial gift of nearly every flight, and especially for the highlights of china tour in 2005 from my parents which has proved invaluable for time saving in all my subsequent trips. Coming back to xian was a bit like coming home, and that it may serve as the book ends to my China travels is so fitting. of all the cities I've seen I feel like I've done them all thoroughly enough I don't need to visit them again (excluding chengdu, which I've passed thru four times already but have yet to spend a full day there). I've seen the best of the historical, cultural, modem, and now natural side to China and I'm ready to finally cross it off my bucket list. ...tho having said that, I'd still love to return :)
Monday, July 10, 2017
china notes 2
Post office - international mail (postcards anyway) confuses them. Last year the post office didn't even have enough stamps for me. And the really old school is that the postage needs to be stuck on using separate adhesive. forget sticker stamps, you can't even lick these! I hope the more international cities are different.
Service - apparently you can complain about anything now. We were driving to Hukou and at one toll booth was tagged for weighing too much. After getting it sorted out, our driver called someone, who picked up, and lodged a complaint. He got a call back within half an hour too. ...Service still sucks tho. Service with a smile is unheard of and you're likely to get your stuff tossed at you rather than handed to you.
WeChat - best app ever? Texting, phone calls (video too), file sharing, social media plus you can use it for damn near anything, including paying random street vendors, friends, cabbies, actual stores, etc.
Hepatitis - bejeebus the food was good this time. I love both Shaanxi and Sichuan styles of food. But at most of my meals outside tournament week all I could think while eating was "hepatitis, hepatitis, you're getting hepatitis." Then I go back for seconds, sometimes thirds, lol. I actually bought a bag of red and green peppercorns; I hope someone will make me something! My god I ate a lot here. Even at home, I'm usually the last person to stop eating anyway (since I eat slowly) but here it was cause i always got more did than anyone else. Random side notes: yak meat tastes just like regular beef; Tibetan yak butter tea is pretty good; the fruit here, while plentiful, cheap and juicy, isn't super flavorful; the stinky tofu here is pretty good, ha; the fried chicken is damn good; xian sour milk is good too, very similar to the Peking style, just less less thick.
Loud aF - people here talk loud as fuck. And the Shanghainese speak even louder and so fast too! I don't understand like 90% of Shanghainese. And the car horns, Jesus. I get why they use them (more as a friendly "hello I'm here" and not the American "fuck you asshole") but my god they've somehow turned up the volume. And since they do use them differently, why that decibel level? they EAT loud af too. ugh.
Driving - I like how they drive here, which is actually scary as hell if you've ever seen it. But seriously, they're such efficient drivers! Really regret not taking CJ up on his offer last year to let me drive around Daqing.
Dry heat - I hate humidity. In the hostel the girls wash their socks and under things and hang them up to dry. ...or not dry, lol. Dali was nice and dry tho. My swimsuit and jersey dried each day and I actually had to put on lotion after showering. Juizhaigou too, probably cause it's so high up.
High altitude - wasn't terribly worried about it until the tour guide went on and on and on about it. I bought a $16 bottle of oxygenated water, figuring it'd do nothing but also knowing I'd feel really stupid if I didn't buy it and got sick. (J later looked up oxygenated water, and yeah, it's bogus.) I didn't get sick, tho about a third of my bus mates did. thankfully no one threw up loudly, tho at my hotel that night I could hear painful vomiting thru the walls. Imagine trying to fall asleep to that... Anyway, good to know tho that 4200k up doesn't affect me besides a slight numbness in the fingers I messed up years ago. I did nearly 13 miles that day too, with a ton of stairs, and no big effects so I guess I'm now ready for Everest?
Food waste - HUGE problem here, omg. at I think every meal I was the only person to clean my plate. I mean, I'm often the only one to do it here too (cause I take food home), but in China the amount of food wasted was pretty crazy. Even those not sensitive to the issue (as I am) would probably notice and be surprised.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
china notes 1
Airports
The check-in process at the chengdu and xian airports are the most confusing I've navigated, and I've gone thru quite a few airports, big and small. It's worse than even the train stations.
PEK (Beijing airport) is HUGE. seriously. They have buses to drive you from your gate to the plane. I was on that bus for like 20 minutes, no joke. I mean, we weren't speeding along at 60mph but it wasn't slow either.
Security - What are all these security checks for? Transferring at PEK I had to go thru another security line were I had to get my passport, visa, ticket checked, toss my liquids (again), walk thru that scanner thing, and get a very thorough pat down. (...I should remember to go back to wearing regular bras [rather than unlined bralettes] when flying in China. They even run their hands down your legs when you aren't wearing pants.) When boarding you get your tickets scanned, as you walk thru the corridor thing to the plane another dude checks it again, and on the plane once more. ...flying out of PEK to LAX, when in the corridor thing between the gate and the plane, they physically went thru my purse (good thing I'd checked my bag) and made me toss my water which I had just filled at the water station at my gate! ugh. such a waste.
The liquid checks are getting ridiculous. They used to just scan or run a metal detector wand thing on you when you entered the subway, but now you have to take out your water bottle and they put it on some machine thing that does something; I'm not sure what. "Good thing" nearly everyone in China has either single-use water bottles or clear plastic water bottles. I think I would have difficulty with my usual stainless steel water bottle.
Trash / recycling - I didn't see any single bins, they always come in a pair. However, people don't recycle properly anyway. I often times saw single-use bottles in the non-recycle bin. I think because China has to employ sooo many people, a lot of them are trash pickers. So the regular person doesn't have to take personal responsibility for their waste. Probably why there's so much littering also, because you know that within half an hour some street cleaning person will be along to pick up after you. It's not that they think about the street cleaner, but when you litter but are rarely confronted with the consequence of it, you stop thinking about it as a negative act.
Also, I was hoping to find and bring home some leashed bottle cap / single-use bottles (as M saw in Japan). Unfortunately not only did I not see any of those, but many of their aluminum cans don't even have pop tops; they're still pull tabs!! I wish I had paid more attention to the brands, but I tried to use as little single-use anything as I could, which was NOT easy.
They use inch-long pins instead of paper clips. Seems dangerous
Dogs - so many now! Even saw a dog park in Chengdu. Lots of weather inappropriate dogs tho, poor over-heated things
Way more fat people, obese even.
Bathrooms - ugh. I figured out a couple years ago that handicap stalls contain a western toilet. This year I did a lot of traveling to remote scenic places tho so I knew I couldn't expect that. Still, I wasn't expecting so many of the trough style toilets. And ones with only half tall walls and no door either! Funny thing tho, from the stains on the walls, it's clear that Chinese women haven't figured out which way to face either. UGH
Friday, July 7, 2017
for future use
have been realizing lately what a bad girlfriend I was to rip. Maybe it's because we were together for such a long time, maybe it's because i am who I am, but I don't think in the last number of years i really tried to make him feel special.
I took him for granted. We're both guilty of that. The complacency probably came from that neither of us thought a breakup was a serious possibility. Maybe every (or most anyway) good relationship needs some insecurity and fear to breed appreciation and effort.
For a long time I thought what I wanted was variety. I didn't want to Netflix everyday, movie every date.* I thought going out to restaurants, trying new activities, etc would bring some life back to us. Now I'm pretty sure that what I really wanted was to feel like a new couple again. That anticipation of seeing him again, the wonder from discovering new about them, the excitement of doing new things and going new paces. I'd said before that it made me sad that all our newest experiences were with other people, which is why I wanted to go out and do new things with him. But ultimately I don't think that would have helped for long. I needed to show him that I loved and appreciated him, and vice versa.
The problem now is that I don't really know how to show it. The five love languages thing really speaks to me tho I don't particularly identify with any of them, except maybe quality time. That's a hard one tho, since, well, what really defines "quality"? I've had more than a couple guys say to me that I show I care differently.** While I'm glad they recognize that, I'm also worried that if I don't change, it'll never be enough for the people I really care about. I should probably just "randomly" pick one or two and work on that, rather than seeing what comes naturally, since none do. Lol, I'm such a fucking robot.
disclaimer: NO i don't want to get back with him. these reflections are so i can improve on my current/future relationships.
* which is especially funny because even now when he does ask to hang out, it's for a movie or for house of cards or something.
** i fucking HATE when guys say this tho i totally get it. not mad at him, or him saying it, just annoyed it's true i guess.
* which is especially funny because even now when he does ask to hang out, it's for a movie or for house of cards or something.
** i fucking HATE when guys say this tho i totally get it. not mad at him, or him saying it, just annoyed it's true i guess.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Tibetans
went to a section of China that has a lot of Tibetans and our tour actually arranged two seperate visits for us to learn more about their culture. one was a fake "home" visit where we were served drinks and food, and they danced and sang for us. the other was an actual home visit where a lady sat with us for an hour in her kitchen/sitting room and answered questions and their culture. some really interesting stuff! notes below:
Families live all together in a house. Kids aren't that valued; the most important person is the father. What he says is absolute. When you make money you turn it over to him and he decides what to do with it. A lot is donated to the temples. Temple monks make like bowls, vase things, spatulas, etc that they'll give back to families who donate a lot. You family's "face" is based on how much of these items you have since they can't be bought. Giving money is the easier way out tho; the best thing you can do is service.
Yaks are traded for women. A woman's value is measured in yaks, and childbearing ability. Small waist, big hips = good for childbirth. No kids? You're fucked. Household's worst jobs are on you. Tho you can also go live in a monastery generating like 'piety points' for your family. i didn't get the chance too ask what happens if the man is the reproductively challenged one... Stacking firewood neatly shows you are a diligent and hardworking woman.
Tibetans always keep their middle section warm. Cold legs, arms and especially belly is bad for fertility.
After you die the village people come to vote on if you're a good person or bad, which will determine your burial (also a Llama will inspect your body). 5 kinds of burial, the worst being a ground burial. There's also water, fire, temple kind of thing, and sky. Sky is best for the common person. your body is cut into 108 peices and their up into the air for the birds gtoeat. Not because the Eagles take your soul into the sky and closer to god, but it's more of a circle of life thing. Eagles are sacred, but they don't have enough food ooh the plains of Tibet. So you give your body to them, to feed them. Which is also why Llamas inspect your body; don't want to feed the Eagles diseased meat.
Mao is a big deal. They're apparently totally into him. Without him they wouldn't have houses or cars or other shit they also say they're not that into. "We'd still be herding yaks otherwise and living in tents on the grass and snow." but they're also like "Yaks are all you need. We're hardier than you guys cause we live with nature. All you guys care about is money. Your lives are miserable. You would be happier living like us."
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
"the entire history of you"
black mirror season 1, episode 3 - the entire history of you
if you could record everything, would you? there's a quotation that goes something like "memories aren't what happened. they're what you remember." that's really true. but anyway, if you could record everything then your memories would be the truth, right? lol, no, of course not.
there's a quotation from a map of the world, a novel by jane hamilton, that i used to think about a lot, but that i can't remember or find, but it was something about how the thoughts in my head are *mine* and how horrible it was that some people wanted to know them all. they're my private thoughts, and even though they may be about you, they're mine and mine alone. this was a bit of a thing with rip and me. i would think things, and he knew it, and he would ask and i would refuse to tell him, especially if they were silly non sequitur nothings, tho often times they were serious things too. anyway, it drove him (and me) nuts.
j's different. he can see me thinking things and when he asks and i say "nothing" he doesn't press. he waits for me to want to tell him. i appreciate that. tho it also means that i let a lot of things go. i see him too, thinking, and i often times won't even ask.
overthinking is poison. thankfully i don't do it very often. i'm generally able to stop thinking about what i don't want to think about. ...which is also bad because it makes procrastinating and not confronting the truth really easy, too easy. in other words, i wouldn't be liam (from black mirror). i could never be liam. but, at the same time, isn't it maybe better to be liam? he suspects something and it turns out that he was right: jonas meant more to fi than she admitted, she did cheat with him, and the child's paternity is unclear. the episode got to me because i felt like rip would totally identify with liam. he wouldn't break into jonas' house or anything crazy, but he would "make" me tell him stuff. but again, that's maybe not a bad thing. the truth may not always be pretty, but it is important. and you may not be entitled to my thoughts, but you most likely are to the truth, especially if it affects you.
if you could record everything, would you? there's a quotation that goes something like "memories aren't what happened. they're what you remember." that's really true. but anyway, if you could record everything then your memories would be the truth, right? lol, no, of course not.
there's a quotation from a map of the world, a novel by jane hamilton, that i used to think about a lot, but that i can't remember or find, but it was something about how the thoughts in my head are *mine* and how horrible it was that some people wanted to know them all. they're my private thoughts, and even though they may be about you, they're mine and mine alone. this was a bit of a thing with rip and me. i would think things, and he knew it, and he would ask and i would refuse to tell him, especially if they were silly non sequitur nothings, tho often times they were serious things too. anyway, it drove him (and me) nuts.
j's different. he can see me thinking things and when he asks and i say "nothing" he doesn't press. he waits for me to want to tell him. i appreciate that. tho it also means that i let a lot of things go. i see him too, thinking, and i often times won't even ask.
overthinking is poison. thankfully i don't do it very often. i'm generally able to stop thinking about what i don't want to think about. ...which is also bad because it makes procrastinating and not confronting the truth really easy, too easy. in other words, i wouldn't be liam (from black mirror). i could never be liam. but, at the same time, isn't it maybe better to be liam? he suspects something and it turns out that he was right: jonas meant more to fi than she admitted, she did cheat with him, and the child's paternity is unclear. the episode got to me because i felt like rip would totally identify with liam. he wouldn't break into jonas' house or anything crazy, but he would "make" me tell him stuff. but again, that's maybe not a bad thing. the truth may not always be pretty, but it is important. and you may not be entitled to my thoughts, but you most likely are to the truth, especially if it affects you.
Monday, June 12, 2017
half dark
yesterday was socow's first 2017 practice. j went, rip did not. j isn't going to join, he's just trying it out. rip is gonna join, just skipping our first practice. i told rip, actually, that j was going. he decided not to go. he also said i was hiding things from him. which is true. two months ago i said told him that i had met someone. it wasn't easy, but i felt like i was somehow cheating on both j and rip. and tho now i'm certainly more open with both of them, i still feel guilty about things. i don't know how much of what either wants to know so i don't say much, esp to rip. "i don't want to hurt you." "you already hurt me." :(
people keep telling me that while it's possible to be friends with your ex, you need a long period of separation in between. i guess so you can both "move on." i think that makes sense. rip and i still have our weird moments, but i think we're doing okay. esp since we didn't have that period of separation.
j said that in his past relationships they hadn't been this open about exes. i dunno. you clearly had them. why pretend they don't exist? i don't love hearing about them, but they're a part of who you are so if it makes sense to talk about them, you should. ha, i wish i were this adult about everything.
people keep telling me that while it's possible to be friends with your ex, you need a long period of separation in between. i guess so you can both "move on." i think that makes sense. rip and i still have our weird moments, but i think we're doing okay. esp since we didn't have that period of separation.
j said that in his past relationships they hadn't been this open about exes. i dunno. you clearly had them. why pretend they don't exist? i don't love hearing about them, but they're a part of who you are so if it makes sense to talk about them, you should. ha, i wish i were this adult about everything.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
meaning
j has had three girlfriends. but only two that he considers real girlfriends. ...i don't even know what that means. the last one, the girlfriend non-girlfriend, he dated for like a year. they met each other's parents' and i don't know much else. don't know how much of a future they planned for together, if at all, or whatever else you're supposed to do with a girlfriend, non or no, lol. but to be together for a year... that's a kind of long time to not be a "real" girlfriend, no?
i know timelines are fairly arbitrary. and even though words have definitions, they don't really. what exactly does dating, seeing someone, falling for someone, being boyfriend/girlfriend, becoming facebook official, etc mean anyway? whatever "boundaries" each of those imply are carried within you and can easily be broken. i've been reluctant to define things with j because 1. i fear commitment, 2. i have no idea what these terms mean anyway, and now 3. i'm worried that we'll be on different pages tho i think we're on the same page.
going off track a little bit here, but last week he asked how i express affection. i said that "i don't really... it takes a really secure guy to date me." ...that's fucked up. the next day tho i realized that i show affection by making concrete plans since with most people i'm fairly noncommittal. i told him this, then like two minutes later he asked if i wanted to meet one of his best friends that weekend (the first friend of his i'd meet). i went quiet then said "uh.. we'll see?" ...wtf is wrong with me?
in talking to k, my roommate, i'm realizing there's so fucking much i don't know about dating and about people in general. like, FUCK, people are weird. and complicated. and there are SO MANY people and SO MANY complications and i don't know how you're ever supposed to find someone to be happy with. i feel lucky that within only a few months of dating (and in a dozen or so first dates) i found j. so on one hand i feel like, shit, i should hold on tight cause it's rare to find someone you click with. but i'm also kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything always seems to go wrong, so fucking wrong, with these randos you meet online.
...i'm overthinking things, i know. i'm going to china for two weeks in a week so i guess i'm wondering if/how things will be different when i get back. things have already cooled off a bit between us, which is totally normal, but i do wonder a bit if this is part of the larger picture or if his attention is already waning. ...his ex def got to me more than i would have liked, ugh.
i know timelines are fairly arbitrary. and even though words have definitions, they don't really. what exactly does dating, seeing someone, falling for someone, being boyfriend/girlfriend, becoming facebook official, etc mean anyway? whatever "boundaries" each of those imply are carried within you and can easily be broken. i've been reluctant to define things with j because 1. i fear commitment, 2. i have no idea what these terms mean anyway, and now 3. i'm worried that we'll be on different pages tho i think we're on the same page.
going off track a little bit here, but last week he asked how i express affection. i said that "i don't really... it takes a really secure guy to date me." ...that's fucked up. the next day tho i realized that i show affection by making concrete plans since with most people i'm fairly noncommittal. i told him this, then like two minutes later he asked if i wanted to meet one of his best friends that weekend (the first friend of his i'd meet). i went quiet then said "uh.. we'll see?" ...wtf is wrong with me?
in talking to k, my roommate, i'm realizing there's so fucking much i don't know about dating and about people in general. like, FUCK, people are weird. and complicated. and there are SO MANY people and SO MANY complications and i don't know how you're ever supposed to find someone to be happy with. i feel lucky that within only a few months of dating (and in a dozen or so first dates) i found j. so on one hand i feel like, shit, i should hold on tight cause it's rare to find someone you click with. but i'm also kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything always seems to go wrong, so fucking wrong, with these randos you meet online.
...i'm overthinking things, i know. i'm going to china for two weeks in a week so i guess i'm wondering if/how things will be different when i get back. things have already cooled off a bit between us, which is totally normal, but i do wonder a bit if this is part of the larger picture or if his attention is already waning. ...his ex def got to me more than i would have liked, ugh.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
"be right back"
do you watch black mirror? well, you fucking should. i watched two episodes a couple years ago. i loved the first episode and hated the second so i stopped. there's too much good tv to waste time on shows you don't love, you know? anyway, R convinced me to start watching again and damn am i glad i did.
season 2, episode 1 - be right back
my main question wasn't "would i?" (since i definitely wouldn't [and yes i am sure]) but "is it wrong?" is it so bad if you don't move on? you are still a functioning and productive member of society; you just have this... organic robot replica of your ex lover (or child, parent, best friend, whomever). that's creepy, sure, but is it wrong? i don't think so.
having a surrogate thing means you probably won't ever move on, but why do we need to move on anyway? i think it's because not doing so denies you the possibility of having something else, and hopefully, something better. unless that person is your parent. in which case, since you usually only get two anyway, why even bother moving on? and, like, so what if you deny yourself the opportunity to meet someone better? it's not like it's a guarantee you'll find someone and be happier. nothing is actually lost, you know?
something else I wondered was, like, is it disrespectful (for lack of a better word) to "improve" your person? bigger dick, kinder person, better cook, non-smoker, more athletic, less selfish, taller, cuter, smarter, blond, whatever you want because the list is literally endless. and would these upgrades / modifications be unethical? probably not either, since it's not a sentient being and they have no will. it's like upgrading a computer.
anyway, simple questions are usually easier to answer. so, would you?
season 2, episode 1 - be right back
my main question wasn't "would i?" (since i definitely wouldn't [and yes i am sure]) but "is it wrong?" is it so bad if you don't move on? you are still a functioning and productive member of society; you just have this... organic robot replica of your ex lover (or child, parent, best friend, whomever). that's creepy, sure, but is it wrong? i don't think so.
having a surrogate thing means you probably won't ever move on, but why do we need to move on anyway? i think it's because not doing so denies you the possibility of having something else, and hopefully, something better. unless that person is your parent. in which case, since you usually only get two anyway, why even bother moving on? and, like, so what if you deny yourself the opportunity to meet someone better? it's not like it's a guarantee you'll find someone and be happier. nothing is actually lost, you know?
something else I wondered was, like, is it disrespectful (for lack of a better word) to "improve" your person? bigger dick, kinder person, better cook, non-smoker, more athletic, less selfish, taller, cuter, smarter, blond, whatever you want because the list is literally endless. and would these upgrades / modifications be unethical? probably not either, since it's not a sentient being and they have no will. it's like upgrading a computer.
anyway, simple questions are usually easier to answer. so, would you?
Friday, June 2, 2017
examination
had a little bit of a dtr with j last night. I texted t about it this morning and she asked "are you ever afraid i'll stop loving you as my friend? were you ever afraid rip would stop loving you?" and no, i wasn't. "i don't fear people not loving me. i do fear them leaving me... which is why i try to be self-sufficient. love doesn't really mean that much, you know? you can love someone and still leave them."
I had sleep paralysis once. i freaked for a little bit then I calmed down and thought about how my life would change. my biggest worry was that i would become a burden on my parents.
the other day I was posed a question of what sense i would choose to keep if i were to lose the others. i picked sight because it would allow me to lead a more independent life than if i retained a single of the others.
i thought these things had to do with not wanting to bother others, but after j's comment about not trusting people, i think it actually has to do with not wanting to depend on people, in case they leave me.
since rip's and my break two octobers ago, i've really tried to figure myself out. "An unexamined life is not worth living" and all that. it's got a lot of truth tho. i didn't realize how much i let my fear of abandonment affect my life. like every damn aspect, maybe.
it makes me sad. and a little worried. i mean, if i couldn't completely open up to rip in the nearly 18 years we were friends and more, i don't know that i'll ever be able to fully trust/depend on anyone. tho now that I know this is an issue, hopefully i'll be able to confront it more fully. ...i'm not really holding my breath tho, ha.
I had sleep paralysis once. i freaked for a little bit then I calmed down and thought about how my life would change. my biggest worry was that i would become a burden on my parents.
the other day I was posed a question of what sense i would choose to keep if i were to lose the others. i picked sight because it would allow me to lead a more independent life than if i retained a single of the others.
i thought these things had to do with not wanting to bother others, but after j's comment about not trusting people, i think it actually has to do with not wanting to depend on people, in case they leave me.
since rip's and my break two octobers ago, i've really tried to figure myself out. "An unexamined life is not worth living" and all that. it's got a lot of truth tho. i didn't realize how much i let my fear of abandonment affect my life. like every damn aspect, maybe.
it makes me sad. and a little worried. i mean, if i couldn't completely open up to rip in the nearly 18 years we were friends and more, i don't know that i'll ever be able to fully trust/depend on anyone. tho now that I know this is an issue, hopefully i'll be able to confront it more fully. ...i'm not really holding my breath tho, ha.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
the point
i tried sweet mustard the other day. twice. and horseradish sauce too. and other foods (like indian) / things that i "know" i already don't like. as well as new new things, or revisiting things i haven't done in years. like an irish boxty, an old fashioned, k1 racing, whiskey sours, karaoke, a ton of new restaurants, barley coffee, salsa and bachata dancing, etc. t made a comment about the sweet mustard, cause i was with her at the time. and quite easily i said "that was the whole point of breaking up." as if sampling condiments had anything at all to do with my relationship status.
but maybe it does. i mean, that *was* the point, no? i wanted something new and different and now i'm pushing myself into new territories. i'm obviously the same person but i do feel different. i think i'm more deliberate now. trying to actively remember things, enjoy things, be happy. i have a journal that i sort of write in every few weeks, hahah. but i do it with the intention of coming back to it years later and being able to remember that day.
i feel that a lot of my time with rip was wasted or lost. maybe it's how my memory works, but i don't remember the exact color of his eyes, his scent, or the sound of his voice, the lifts and elongations. i must have, when we first started out, lingered on his details but they're all lost to me now. that makes me incredibly sad. i know i would recognize him, immediately, subconsciously, but i can't now actively describe much beyond the generalizations. that's the problem too, i guess, with a "sudden" breakup. that you don't know *this* will be your last kiss, your last touch, your last gaze. we're still friends, thankfully, so i guess i could go about re-memorizing the little things about him. but it's different now. and it's fucked up to try to recreate those tender warm moments of being in love when you're no longer there.
but maybe it does. i mean, that *was* the point, no? i wanted something new and different and now i'm pushing myself into new territories. i'm obviously the same person but i do feel different. i think i'm more deliberate now. trying to actively remember things, enjoy things, be happy. i have a journal that i sort of write in every few weeks, hahah. but i do it with the intention of coming back to it years later and being able to remember that day.
i feel that a lot of my time with rip was wasted or lost. maybe it's how my memory works, but i don't remember the exact color of his eyes, his scent, or the sound of his voice, the lifts and elongations. i must have, when we first started out, lingered on his details but they're all lost to me now. that makes me incredibly sad. i know i would recognize him, immediately, subconsciously, but i can't now actively describe much beyond the generalizations. that's the problem too, i guess, with a "sudden" breakup. that you don't know *this* will be your last kiss, your last touch, your last gaze. we're still friends, thankfully, so i guess i could go about re-memorizing the little things about him. but it's different now. and it's fucked up to try to recreate those tender warm moments of being in love when you're no longer there.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
game plans
if you could only ask one question to a fortune teller, what would it be?
j: what's her name?
me: what will be my greatest regret?
lol, boy did we go in opposite directions with our questions! j's is actually really really good and i'm pretty sure i'd include it my first 10 questions, if allowed that many. but our different approaches are interesting. he wants to know the future to be sure he doesn't miss it; i want to be able to avoid it. also, his is specific; mine is general.
---
the other night, well after the museum of ice cream, we walked by pershing square and played on the jungle gym a bit. j observed that there are three types of people: the kind that climbs around it (as he did), the kind that goes thru it, and the kind that climbs to the top (me, duh). it's funny cause i didn't even think of what else to do; i saw something climbable and tall so i immediately went up. (i joked that maybe it's cause i'm short that i always like to get to the highest point.) j saw a challenge and took the longest path around it. and the kids that go thru, i dunno, they're the most efficient and maybe the least fun. it's "dangerous" to extrapolate about personality based on a single thing, but still, he had a pretty interesting observation.
j: what's her name?
me: what will be my greatest regret?
lol, boy did we go in opposite directions with our questions! j's is actually really really good and i'm pretty sure i'd include it my first 10 questions, if allowed that many. but our different approaches are interesting. he wants to know the future to be sure he doesn't miss it; i want to be able to avoid it. also, his is specific; mine is general.
---
the other night, well after the museum of ice cream, we walked by pershing square and played on the jungle gym a bit. j observed that there are three types of people: the kind that climbs around it (as he did), the kind that goes thru it, and the kind that climbs to the top (me, duh). it's funny cause i didn't even think of what else to do; i saw something climbable and tall so i immediately went up. (i joked that maybe it's cause i'm short that i always like to get to the highest point.) j saw a challenge and took the longest path around it. and the kids that go thru, i dunno, they're the most efficient and maybe the least fun. it's "dangerous" to extrapolate about personality based on a single thing, but still, he had a pretty interesting observation.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
half light
ignorance is bliss. curiosity killed the cat. you hear these two all the time. but are they really true? and whether or not they are, does anyone care?
the weird thing about starting to date new people is that i had to decide what and how much i want to know. how many exes, people they've slept with, how many times they've been in love, are they still *in* love, what's their biggest self-identified weakness, when were they happiest, saddest, maddest, etc. with rip it was easy. i knew most everything about him. much of our history was the same since we had started dating so young and for so long. it felt good to be many of each other's firsts. you were secure in the knowledge that no matter if things ever became better with someone else, at the very least, you were there first. why that matters, i have no idea. but there's a lot to be said for security. and posterity, ha.
personally, with new people, i prefer not to know very much. it doesn't matter. i did ask how many, like, serious relationships. and if there was a theme to his breakups. i think that's probably a good question. i would want to know most if most of your breakups were because of cheating. especially if you've consistently been the cheater. o.0
but even new activities are a little weird. you could drive yourself crazy thinking too hard about if they've done with someone else what you guys are doing now. i've never really worried before about not measuring up to past significant others. i mean, sure, rip had alisa, but she was only one, and we moved passed that pretty quickly. anyway. new relationships, new territory. it's weird. feeling this stuff out for the first time in my life. navigating what most people had dealt with years and years ago.
the weird thing about starting to date new people is that i had to decide what and how much i want to know. how many exes, people they've slept with, how many times they've been in love, are they still *in* love, what's their biggest self-identified weakness, when were they happiest, saddest, maddest, etc. with rip it was easy. i knew most everything about him. much of our history was the same since we had started dating so young and for so long. it felt good to be many of each other's firsts. you were secure in the knowledge that no matter if things ever became better with someone else, at the very least, you were there first. why that matters, i have no idea. but there's a lot to be said for security. and posterity, ha.
personally, with new people, i prefer not to know very much. it doesn't matter. i did ask how many, like, serious relationships. and if there was a theme to his breakups. i think that's probably a good question. i would want to know most if most of your breakups were because of cheating. especially if you've consistently been the cheater. o.0
but even new activities are a little weird. you could drive yourself crazy thinking too hard about if they've done with someone else what you guys are doing now. i've never really worried before about not measuring up to past significant others. i mean, sure, rip had alisa, but she was only one, and we moved passed that pretty quickly. anyway. new relationships, new territory. it's weird. feeling this stuff out for the first time in my life. navigating what most people had dealt with years and years ago.
Friday, May 19, 2017
bread crumbs
recently had someone online stalk me. she knew my instagram account and traced it back to my twitter. i wonder if she also found my fb. or even this blog?! anyway. weird stuff. for some reason i didn't feel terribly violated. i just accepted that, yeah, of course people can find me. it's all public. i don't privatize any of my accounts and i don't intend to either.
since then i haven't changed any of my posting habits. but i probably should, right? i mean, it is a little scary. i'm sure i've "accidentally" posted all kinds of info i shouldn't have. tho i guess the real question is, *what* kinds of info shouldn't you be posting? it's probably best not to post anything at all...
one thing i will be more careful of tho, is posting friends' names. i used to use first initials only and in the last few years have switched to first names. i won't be doing that anymore.
ps. i googled myself and found my old flickr account!!
since then i haven't changed any of my posting habits. but i probably should, right? i mean, it is a little scary. i'm sure i've "accidentally" posted all kinds of info i shouldn't have. tho i guess the real question is, *what* kinds of info shouldn't you be posting? it's probably best not to post anything at all...
one thing i will be more careful of tho, is posting friends' names. i used to use first initials only and in the last few years have switched to first names. i won't be doing that anymore.
ps. i googled myself and found my old flickr account!!
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
non-fiction reasons why
omg this article: Why Doesn’t Ancient Fiction Talk About Feelings?
honestly, i should OMGWTFBBQ this article spoke that much to me. you know that in the last couple years i've had more than a couple people tell me that i'm a robot. yes, they're joking. yes, i compute that. but still. it's true. i'm less emotional than before. not that that really bothers me (obviously). but *why* have i become less emotional?
i thought it was from some of the relationship stuff i went thru. protecting myself. and sure, that may still well be the case. but i totally think that me now exclusively reading non-fiction has totally contributed to me being more emotionally flat.
up thru high school, i read exclusively fiction. in college sometime i started discovered memoirs, notably katherine graham's personal history and queen noor al-hussein's leap of faith: memoirs of an unexpected life. after that i got into travel memoirs (bill bryson played a huge roll in that) and found the best american series by houghton mifflin harcourt, which turned me onto science reading.
about 5 years ago i switched to reading exclusively non-fiction. the last work of fiction i read was in september 2014 when i re-read the giver, because i had watched the movie and wanted to compare the two. before that it was august 2012 when i finished dave eggars' a heartbreaking work of a staggering genius, and started reading david foster wallace's infinite jest, which i never finished.
i don't feel like ive gone thru a transformation. and maybe it's not as dramatic as i make it sound. i dunno. i'll have to remember to ask rip one of these days. but anyway. recently i was thinking i should go back to reading fiction. not exclusively, but adding it in. the language in fiction writing strikes a chord in me non-fiction does not. reader, you'll have to let me know if you notice a difference. :)
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
parenting
What Living In The U.S.S.R. As A Kid Taught Me About Parenting
"It certainly taught me that parenting is not only about protecting and sheltering, but also about teaching children how to take risks, how to trust themselves, and how embracing a moment of discomfort can lead to a wonderful experience, or at least to a hell of a good story."
reminds me of erikson's second stage of development: autonomy vs shame.
"It certainly taught me that parenting is not only about protecting and sheltering, but also about teaching children how to take risks, how to trust themselves, and how embracing a moment of discomfort can lead to a wonderful experience, or at least to a hell of a good story."
reminds me of erikson's second stage of development: autonomy vs shame.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
rewards
what i really like about hinduism/buddhism is that you don't have to believe in it for it to happen anyway. like, you'll be reincarnated even if you don't believe you will. that's super fair and somehow, to me, that makes it seem more factual. like, you don't have to believe in a round planet, but it's spherical anyway. you don't have to believe in global warming, but weather/climate is gonna get whack anyway. basically, facts are facts. regardless of your belief. tho, i guess no matter if you believe in it or, you're going to hell anyway (assuming you don't accept christ and all that).
plus
1. you can't command belief. you either believe something or you don't. you can't *make* yourself believe. and therefore, there's no reward (the way christianity has) for belief.
2. belief in the religion isn't the point. the point is that you should be a good person doing good things and you'll be rewarded with a higher level of reincarnation. christianity rewards you for belief and nothing else really. that's unfair as fuck. especially since you can't make yourself believe anything anyway!
Thursday, January 19, 2017
happiness
found the following "hidden" in my drafts folder. not sure when i wrote it, but it's still completely and utterly true.
of the free and nonessential things in life, I've come to realize that what I love best is blue skies. a few days without a blue sky and I get a bit depressed. it's like the people who need sunlight I guess. ...thinking about it now, I wonder if it's the sun I need, but no, I think it's the color. a second favorite is crisp air. like the kind in winter, or in the mountains.
my happy place is atop an imaginary hill, with the blue sky above me, the sun on my skin, and a wind my face. I've always wanted to go on a windmill tour. I imagine they'd let you to the top of one, who knows.
maybe someday I can ride an old airplane. the kind where you're strapped in and there is basically no windshield. biplanes is maybe what they're called? in any case. how spectacular would that be? high in the sky, cold as fuck. with nothing but sky, clouds, and sun. well... plane too, but I think I could die happy there.
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