project prevention

one my most favorite podcasts recently replayed an old episode called Inheritance. i was specifically interested in the third section called: What If There Was No Destiny? it centers on barbara, a woman who adopted multiple children from another woman who was giving them up near annually, as soon as they were born. this woman was addicted to drugs and her children would all likely be affected, physically and mentally, because of it. she had three prior children to the four barbara had adopted also. all had given up for adoption. 

after adopting the fourth child, barbara founded a non-profit called Project Prevention, which pays women with drug addictions to get IUDs or get sterilized. 

obviously, this is a pretty controversial org! the money ($300-$400) is given without any drug prevention care. it's just given if the woman gets an IUD or sterilization. it's not given *for* the woman, you see. it's given to prevent more "drug addicted babies."

there are racial implications, of course, especially because barbara is white. altho she does say that the majority of the women who accept are white. (tho what's the breakdown of women they're approaching?)  and you have to wonder if there's any coercion, especially when it comes to sterilization. but it's an interesting idea.

i don't have solid opinions about this org but i will say that i don't intend to donate to them. that may change, but barbara used some rather offensive (and umempathetic) language when describing some of these women and it seems like the org is very strongly driven by her vision alone, rather than by a board, which also makes me uncomfortable.

gender

Podcast: Knowledge Gaps in Intersex Health Care (undark.org)

I always thought that if I had kids I'd want to raise them fairly gender neutral. I would allow them to decide what they want to wear, play with, participate in. tho I admit, I will cringe my little girl will only wear pink and play with dolls, or if my little boy only wants to play with guns and wear camo. 

this extends to if i had an intersex child. unless it was medically necessary, I wouldn't want to have my child undergo gender "assignment" surgery. like, what if I make the wrong decision? what if I choose for my child to be a boy and they grow up feeling like a girl? or what if they never want to choose? ugh. no thanks. kid, you can decide and I'll support you no matter what.

I understand that childhood will be much harder for an intersex kid. for some reason people are obsessed with sex and gender. people apologize to me and roux when they mislabel him as a girl. like, what difference does it make? least of all to him! but I think being honest with my child, and allowing them to make their own decisions is the most respectful thing I can do. this is their life and I don't think I should be able to, basically unilaterally, decide this for them.

parenting goals

I had a recent thought, that if I were to have kids (and I still have no intention to), I would want to spend some time distilling into words some of the most important values I would want that kid to have. I would want my partner caretaker to do the same.

not wanting to spend too much time on it now, I would probably end up choosing among: kind / empathetic / fair, thoughtful, practical / realistic, confident, independent, curious / well-rounded intellectually, resilient, hard working, team player... normal things, really.

but some of these will shape HOW we bring up the child. and identifying what is most important to me should help to raise it according to those values. for instance, I believe it's better to be intellectually well-rounded than academically "successful." therefore, I would take my kid to museums, monuments, shows, and wouldn't hesitate to pull them out of school if something big was going on. like, maybe a political rally. I value people who are team players, so I would enroll my kid in some sort of cooperative thing: team sports, orchestra, drama, debate team, etc. so they can see how important it is to do their part and to be able to be counted on. I would be less inclined to enroll them into singles tennis or surfing. 

july 2020 donation

my donation comes a little early this month because PayPal was having a promotion where if you donated at least $5 thru their app to a non-profit, they would add $5! I picked Planned Parenthood South Atlantic (North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, and the Blue Ridge of Virginia) rather than planned parenthood of america cause of the $10,000 limit per charity. :) i figure a smaller branch would likely get fewer donations.

fine print: Donation: PayPal will give up to $1.5M dollars in total donations and $10,000 per charity over the course of the promotion. Must use your Valid Account to complete a donation through the PayPal mobile app to PayPal Giving Fund. Ends 6/29/2020 at 11:59:59 p.m. PT or when the donation cap has been reached, whichever is earlier. Limit: 1 donation per person and per Valid Account.Donations will be made to PayPal Giving Fund, an IRS-registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and granted to your recommended charity pursuant to its Donation Delivery Policy. Contribution may be tax-deductible to the extent allowed by law. Consult your tax advisor to understand your specific circumstances. No goods or services will be provided in exchange for your donation. PayPal reserves the right to deny a donation for any reason at its sole discretion. 

news and social media the last month has been awash with news of police brutality and the black lives movement. accordingly, i've been reminded of the ACLU and have learned about many orgs doing great work!

in april, starting with my first donation, i had listed out a bunch of orgs that i liked and would want to eventually donate to: NPR, Radiolab, PBS, Planned Parenthood, Compton Initiative, OC Food Bank, Second Harvest, Food Finders, Harvest Partners, Food Forward, and Seed Savers. they were mostly food related. probably because we were in full swing with the pandemic so much of the news was about food banks running out of supplies. plus, i've worked directed with a few of the orgs listed.

best for baby

I was at a baby shower over the weekend and boy did i feel out of place. it's been hitting me more often lately how my consumerist ways and therefore whole mindset has changed, and in the last year especially.

it's not just that I had to take out my reusable spork (to avoid plastic cutlery), use my water bottle (solo cups), not eat candy (plastic wrapping), or take a party favor (the absolute cutest fox cookies, but, alas, in a plastic bag with a metallic plastic twisty tie). one of the games (guessing prices of baby things) was especially hard. not just because i've never really looked at baby stuff before, but because I have, but the stuff I look at is all nearly plastic free and therefore at a different price point. also, these less waste people I now spend the majority of my time with make due with what they have using handmade all purpose salves instead of special nipple cream, wooden clothes pins you also use for chip bags and laundry instead of special plastic clips for binkies.

my major social circle is my work people. therefore, we're all pretty like minded. the people at the party are on a completely separate path. parents and soon-to-be-parents at the party were talking about a $1300 sound activated vibrating crib that is only good for about 6 months since your baby gets too heavy for it. they were talking about breast pumps where you pump into single use plastic bags and about subscribing to meal kits because you're so so so tired the first few months.

besides the financial impediments, i would likely never even consider these things because of the environmental effect. single use plastic bags for breast milk?! meal kits that use a ridiculous amount of packaging!! but everyone kept saying "you don't understand how tired you'll be..." but, I dunno man. i'm not saying it's ever easy, but maybe these people are tired because they think they HAVE to do this and that. so many women around the world give birth and go back to pretty much their regular lives the next day. so many kids live perfectly happy childhoods without millions of toys and clothes and binkies and absolutely adorable but pretty much unnecessary stuff.

when my boss gave birth she said something about how women innately know what's good and bad for babies. we've been having them for thousands of years, after all. and you know what? i pretty much agree. of course times are different now and there is different "bad" stuff that we just don't know about yet. but basically, I think a lot of knowledge is innate.

someone said how we're of the first generations where we have access to so much more info that what just our small community knows. we've got experts and their books and studies, mommy blogs, parenting chat rooms, the internet at large... there's no shortage of people telling you the what's best for baby.

the whole thing just makes me tired. it's like society is constantly telling you that you're just not good enough, that you can't do it right, and that, therefore, you will raise unhealthy, stupid, and unhappy children. ...unless you buy that $1300 vibrating crib thing.

the magic of santa

A Battle Over Santa Claus Is Blowing Up a Facebook Group for New York Moms

i figured out the truth about santa claus pretty early on. i very clearly remember going downstairs one christmas morning to find santa's present not neatly wrapped under the tree, but unwrapped and sitting in our fireplace. i think that's all it took for me to figure out that santa wasn't real.

my parents are both immigrants from a place / culture which didn't celebrate christmas and had no santa. my parents had probably asked their coworkers and friends about who he was and his background story but of they still got a few things wrong. either way, i'm glad they tried their best and played along.

as such, i would do the same for my kids, at least until they figured it out. who does it hurt? as an atheiest, christmas isn't even something i particularly participate in, but you can be damn sure my kids will be getting presents from me at christmas! having personal beliefs which run counter to general society are fine and well but your kids shouldn't have to go without a little holiday magic just because you don't personally celebrate a national holiday that our culture is crazy invested in. my kids'll figure out santa when they do. and if they catch on earlier than the other kids, i'll tell them to not ruin it for the believers out there. no need to be a grinch!

you down?

Has Prenatal Genetic Testing Gone Too Far?

this article strikes a chord with me because i've actually thought about this fairly recently. rip and i had talked about it before, and we had agreed that we would ask for prenatal genetic testing and would very likely abort should it reveal that our child would have certain mental or physical conditions. i've never wanted to be a parent anyway and decided that i would not want to take on the additional challenges of  raising a child with particular handicaps.

j and i obviously haven't talked about raising kids together. but i've thought about this exact issue because, in fact, his youngest brother has down syndrome. i have no idea if he would want to do prenatal testing, or what he would want to do after knowing the results. i do know that if i only found out after giving birth that my child had certain conditions, i would certainly not shirk the responsibilities of raising it the best i could. and i'm certain i would love it just the same.

igen

Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?

"12th-graders in 2015 were going out less often than eighth-graders did as recently as 2009." they're also dating, going out, sexing, pregnant-ing, sleeping less and getting their drivers licence later. they're also more likely to be depressed, suicidal, and feel lonely.

remind me, yeah?, if i ever have kids, to take away their phones at a certain time of night, and give it back sometime after they get ready for school.

btw, "Asked by our parents, 'When will you be home?,' we replied, 'When do I have to be?'” OMG YES. tho apparently this is not kids today. oy!

we never left

you grow up judging your parents. you blame them for stuff you later realize they had no control over. as adults you start to be kind to them. you realize they are who they are in large part because of how they were raised, the social climate of the times, and the circumstances of their lives. but you still carry that judgement, and you vow that you will be different. i have the feeling tho, that when i'm 70 i'll be acting the way they do. extended shouting matches rather than my current detached silence. you can't help it, i think. in talking with friends now, we explain our current behaviors by analyzing our upbringing. it's kind of crazy how little control you have over yourself.

parenting

What Living In The U.S.S.R. As A Kid Taught Me About Parenting

"It certainly taught me that parenting is not only about protecting and sheltering, but also about teaching children how to take risks, how to trust themselves, and how embracing a moment of discomfort can lead to a wonderful experience, or at least to a hell of a good story."

reminds me of erikson's second stage of development: autonomy vs shame.

nag to nothing

it's interesting how so many of us grow into our parents tho we generally swear we won't. I'm not far enough in my life to know how much of my parents I am, but I certainly am the opposite of my mom in some ways. not that it makes me a better person, and in fact, it's just as bad.

my mom nags about everything. i hate it. so now i nag about nothing. if something rip does bothers me, i'll keep quiet about it for like 8 months. then i'll say something. we'll have a conversation about it but i won't go apeshit and this conversation won't last hours. then i'll say nothing and wait for him to make adjustments, if any. if he makes none, approx 10 months later i'm breaking up with him.

it's ridiculous the lengths we go to to avoid replicating the ridiculous behavior of our parents.

dress codes

High School Crop-Top Dress Codes Send the Message That School Is for Boys

i've never understood why women need to protect the chastity of men (or vice versa). how difficult it is for a man to NOT rape a woman anyway? i would think that it should be quite easy, should he respect her as a human being who has rights to her body the same way he has rights to his own. and since you can't completely cover up every woman, covering up the majority of them really draws attention the ones who aren't dressed as modestly. furthermore, rape is a global problem. but it seems like the majority of violent rapes (or group rapes) are in counties where there are less individual liberties, and are especially high in countries with more gender inequality.

on a less broad topic though, should minors be allowed to wear whatever they want to school? i would argue no. not because girls who dress provocatively will distract boys, but because minors shouldn't dress sexily at all! there should be modesty codes at school because they are kids. just as a kid shouldn't swear in school, they shouldn't wear crop tops, sag so their whole ass is hanging out, or wear unsafe shoes. unsafe shoes? yeah, i  think kids shouldn't be allowed to wear stilettos or flip flips to school (well, kids under high school anyway). those shoes aren't good for your feet. arch supported flip flips i can get behind, but since it would be crazy for schools to allow some flip flips but not others, they should probably just ban them all. anyway...

the author does make a really good point about how schools do allow boys to go shirtless when playing sports, btw. i didn't realize how much more sexual a girl's belly is than a boy's whole fucking torso.

another girl took to her senior quote to speak out about dress codes.

social surrogacy

"Should a woman be allowed to hire a surrogate because she fears pregnancy will hurt her career? Or "ruin" her body? What if she's just afraid of giving birth?" An article from ELLE May 2014 about  social surrogacy

our society place value in motherhood and pregnancy, but we don't really. we may coddle pregnant women, but we also have like the shortest maternity leave of any 1st world nation. we expect women to immediately return to pre-baby bodies, we freak out at women breast feeding in public, and find fault in stretch makes.

i'm a fairly practical person. so it doesn't make much difference to me why you want to hire a surrogate rather than having one yourself. honestly, i feel like purposely setting out to create a kid, even one you diy, is a little bit a selfish thing anyway, so adding vanity to the mix is no big deal. so yeah, i think social surrogacy is fine. i mean, it's not the best thing ever, but since you can't deny surrogacy based on motive alone... i do think the best alternative to not carrying your own child is to adopt. but that's a whole other thing.

what we all want

What Guys Really Want In A Partner Is Super Depressing

numbers aside, what it comes down to is this. men want wives to be nothing like daughters. which is, in case you didn't get it, an impossibility. in general, men prefer daughters to be smarter, stronger, and more independent than their own wives. good thing for wives tho, we're supposed to be pretty in a way our daughters are not encouraged to be. lol.

the article does a weird guy bashing thing where it tells men to "get over it." that's rude. i imagine women feel much the same way about their husbands and sons. no one wants the short end of the stick. and most of us would prefer a spouse to be successful enough to make enough money so that we can loaf around at home all day. but you wouldn't want your son (or daughter) to marry a lazy gold digger. even tho you'd like to dig right alongside of them!

fyi, the article this article talks about is also worth a read: an insight into the 21st century man

the slap

nbc has a new show that sounds really interesting, tho i've not watched it. after watching the trailer, what do you think? should he have slapped the kid? did he deserve it?

i'm going to answer in a really round about way, in the way that i usually do:

1. in general, i'm okay with corporal punishment. but to a point. i don't think slapping someone in face is acceptable. a swat on the bottom is generally cool. hitting someone in the face is really crossing the line. you're not just disciplining someone, you're insulting them too. that's how i see it, anyhow.

2. can you hit someone else's kid? this is a really though question. i really don't think you should. even if their parent is being negligent, i don't think you have the right to touch their kid like that. the commercial is interesting tho. this kid is being dangerous. he's swinging around a baseball bat! then he kicks the adult! but, if you'll notice, the adult holding the kid's arms down by his side. i mean, i would feel threatened if someone tried restraining me that way. i might kick them too. in a way, the man provoked the kick. adults are supposed to remain level headed and kids... well, they don't have to.

3. so, specifically, should he have slapped the kid? no. did he deserve it? no. the kid had something coming towards him, but it wasn't a slap across the face. he should've been swatted on the butt. and i think that in this case, it would've been okay for a non-parent to do it because the kid was behaving dangerously towards everyone in his vicinity.

parents know best?

quoted from theskimm.com:
"Did you hear about the Connecticut Supreme Court decision? Yesterday, CT’s Supremes ruled that a 17-year-old girl can be forced to undergo cancer treatment, even though she doesn’t want it. The girl was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in September, but after undergoing chemotherapy, refused to continue with treatments. Her mother accepted her decision. But child services intervened, with her doctors saying that she stood a good chance of surviving if she completed treatment. She was placed in state custody so the state could make medical decisions on her behalf. She’s been living in a children’s medical center, undergoing chemo for the last few weeks. The girl’s lawyer says this is about having the “fundamental right” to choose what happens to her body, and that she will be appealing the decision."

what do you think? i think that while i generally believe we should have say of what we do with our bodies, that she is a minor complicates things. she is 17 tho, so she's pretty close to being an adult.

i think that in this case i do agree with the state. i think that her mom *was* negligent in her care and handling of her daughter's cancer diagnosis and treatment. (article here) and, maybe unfairly, it does matter to me that cassandra has been homeschooled. for some reason i feel that were she in a traditional school she would have made a different decision. she has an 85% chance of survival, after all. this is super high!

going off on a bit of a tangent here. but recently a few people were killed when little little kids got a hold of guns: 2yo shoots mom, 3yo shoots 18month brother, 3yo shoots mom. my my mom asked how this could have happened? i said "bad parenting." and that's really what it was. my dad has always had guns around the house. but they were *never* left unattended in the open. they were locked up, hidden away, put somewhere inaccessible to me. they were also never loaded. my mom had a really good point about the wal-mart tragedy. she said that if something bad were happening, the mom should only worry about protecting her child. she should not be a hero and with her gun confront someone. this made a lot of sense to me. if alone, i might stand up to the car hijacker/bank robber/looter/crazy gunman. but if i have my child with me i am not leaving my kid alone so they can see me get killed. i'm sorry, but someone else can try to save us all because i choose to be selfish and not put my kid thru that level of trauma.

a lot of the time it's difficult to know what's best for your child. but i think in some of the cases mentioned here, what's right was obvious.