meaning

j has had three girlfriends. but only two that he considers real girlfriends. ...i don't even know what that means. the last one, the girlfriend non-girlfriend, he dated for like a year. they met each other's parents' and i don't know much else. don't know how much of a future they planned for together, if at all, or whatever else you're supposed to do with a girlfriend, non or no, lol. but to be together for a year... that's a kind of long time to not be a "real" girlfriend, no?

i know timelines are fairly arbitrary. and even though words have definitions, they don't really. what exactly does dating, seeing someone, falling for someone, being boyfriend/girlfriend, becoming facebook official, etc mean anyway? whatever "boundaries" each of those imply are carried within you and can easily be broken. i've been reluctant to define things with j because 1. i fear commitment, 2. i have no idea what these terms mean anyway, and now 3. i'm worried that we'll be on different pages tho i think we're on the same page.

going off track a little bit here, but last week he asked how i express affection. i said that "i don't really... it takes a really secure guy to date me." ...that's fucked up. the next day tho i realized that i show affection by making concrete plans since with most people i'm fairly noncommittal. i told him this, then like two minutes later he asked if i wanted to meet one of his best friends that weekend (the first friend of his i'd meet). i went quiet then said "uh.. we'll see?" ...wtf is wrong with me?

in talking to k, my roommate, i'm realizing there's so fucking much i don't know about dating and about people in general. like, FUCK, people are weird. and complicated. and there are SO MANY people and SO MANY complications and i don't know how you're ever supposed to find someone to be happy with. i feel lucky that within only a few months of dating (and in a dozen or so first dates) i found j. so on one hand i feel like, shit, i should hold on tight cause it's rare to find someone you click with. but i'm also kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything always seems to go wrong, so fucking wrong, with these randos you meet online.

...i'm overthinking things, i know. i'm going to china for two weeks in a week so i guess i'm wondering if/how things will be different when i get back. things have already cooled off a bit between us, which is totally normal, but i do wonder a bit if this is part of the larger picture or if his attention is already waning. ...his ex def got to me more than i would have liked, ugh.