toy drive!

j and i participated in the city's holiday fiesta toy drive this year. j normally does a toy drive and this was my first time. it was fun! we went to target, which was having a pretty great sale, actually, and got all this for only $50. i bought the ball, obviously. less plastic and more gender neutral. altho, honestly, i think toy companies are making a little more effort these days to market to less gender specific demographics. tell you who doesn't care about that tho: target. within the toy section there is a very sharp deliniation between girls toys and boy toys. tho, i guess, really, the toy manufacturers do that also? tho, notice the toy cars do not have a phot of boy on there. i got the ball in the sports section, lol. i wanted something that would get kids outside and exercising more. j picked things he would have wanted to get, lol. 

i definitely want to do this again next year :)

parenting goals

I had a recent thought, that if I were to have kids (and I still have no intention to), I would want to spend some time distilling into words some of the most important values I would want that kid to have. I would want my partner caretaker to do the same.

not wanting to spend too much time on it now, I would probably end up choosing among: kind / empathetic / fair, thoughtful, practical / realistic, confident, independent, curious / well-rounded intellectually, resilient, hard working, team player... normal things, really.

but some of these will shape HOW we bring up the child. and identifying what is most important to me should help to raise it according to those values. for instance, I believe it's better to be intellectually well-rounded than academically "successful." therefore, I would take my kid to museums, monuments, shows, and wouldn't hesitate to pull them out of school if something big was going on. like, maybe a political rally. I value people who are team players, so I would enroll my kid in some sort of cooperative thing: team sports, orchestra, drama, debate team, etc. so they can see how important it is to do their part and to be able to be counted on. I would be less inclined to enroll them into singles tennis or surfing. 

the magic of santa

A Battle Over Santa Claus Is Blowing Up a Facebook Group for New York Moms

i figured out the truth about santa claus pretty early on. i very clearly remember going downstairs one christmas morning to find santa's present not neatly wrapped under the tree, but unwrapped and sitting in our fireplace. i think that's all it took for me to figure out that santa wasn't real.

my parents are both immigrants from a place / culture which didn't celebrate christmas and had no santa. my parents had probably asked their coworkers and friends about who he was and his background story but of they still got a few things wrong. either way, i'm glad they tried their best and played along.

as such, i would do the same for my kids, at least until they figured it out. who does it hurt? as an atheiest, christmas isn't even something i particularly participate in, but you can be damn sure my kids will be getting presents from me at christmas! having personal beliefs which run counter to general society are fine and well but your kids shouldn't have to go without a little holiday magic just because you don't personally celebrate a national holiday that our culture is crazy invested in. my kids'll figure out santa when they do. and if they catch on earlier than the other kids, i'll tell them to not ruin it for the believers out there. no need to be a grinch!

what happened to Monday?

what happened to monday?

oy. such interesting questions this movie brings up!
1. what will happen when the world runs out of resources to support our human population? what lengths should we go to prevent that (or should we at all)?
2. is the collective survival of our species more important than an individual's survival? how about many individuals?
3. is there a right to life? is there a lesser or greater right to life?
4. how far would you go for your children?
5. at what point do your parents' choices for your life become your own?
and the age old 6. nature vs. nurture?

you down?

Has Prenatal Genetic Testing Gone Too Far?

this article strikes a chord with me because i've actually thought about this fairly recently. rip and i had talked about it before, and we had agreed that we would ask for prenatal genetic testing and would very likely abort should it reveal that our child would have certain mental or physical conditions. i've never wanted to be a parent anyway and decided that i would not want to take on the additional challenges of  raising a child with particular handicaps.

j and i obviously haven't talked about raising kids together. but i've thought about this exact issue because, in fact, his youngest brother has down syndrome. i have no idea if he would want to do prenatal testing, or what he would want to do after knowing the results. i do know that if i only found out after giving birth that my child had certain conditions, i would certainly not shirk the responsibilities of raising it the best i could. and i'm certain i would love it just the same.

igen

Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?

"12th-graders in 2015 were going out less often than eighth-graders did as recently as 2009." they're also dating, going out, sexing, pregnant-ing, sleeping less and getting their drivers licence later. they're also more likely to be depressed, suicidal, and feel lonely.

remind me, yeah?, if i ever have kids, to take away their phones at a certain time of night, and give it back sometime after they get ready for school.

btw, "Asked by our parents, 'When will you be home?,' we replied, 'When do I have to be?'” OMG YES. tho apparently this is not kids today. oy!

parenting

What Living In The U.S.S.R. As A Kid Taught Me About Parenting

"It certainly taught me that parenting is not only about protecting and sheltering, but also about teaching children how to take risks, how to trust themselves, and how embracing a moment of discomfort can lead to a wonderful experience, or at least to a hell of a good story."

reminds me of erikson's second stage of development: autonomy vs shame.

dress codes

High School Crop-Top Dress Codes Send the Message That School Is for Boys

i've never understood why women need to protect the chastity of men (or vice versa). how difficult it is for a man to NOT rape a woman anyway? i would think that it should be quite easy, should he respect her as a human being who has rights to her body the same way he has rights to his own. and since you can't completely cover up every woman, covering up the majority of them really draws attention the ones who aren't dressed as modestly. furthermore, rape is a global problem. but it seems like the majority of violent rapes (or group rapes) are in counties where there are less individual liberties, and are especially high in countries with more gender inequality.

on a less broad topic though, should minors be allowed to wear whatever they want to school? i would argue no. not because girls who dress provocatively will distract boys, but because minors shouldn't dress sexily at all! there should be modesty codes at school because they are kids. just as a kid shouldn't swear in school, they shouldn't wear crop tops, sag so their whole ass is hanging out, or wear unsafe shoes. unsafe shoes? yeah, i  think kids shouldn't be allowed to wear stilettos or flip flips to school (well, kids under high school anyway). those shoes aren't good for your feet. arch supported flip flips i can get behind, but since it would be crazy for schools to allow some flip flips but not others, they should probably just ban them all. anyway...

the author does make a really good point about how schools do allow boys to go shirtless when playing sports, btw. i didn't realize how much more sexual a girl's belly is than a boy's whole fucking torso.

another girl took to her senior quote to speak out about dress codes.

pre-natal decisions

warning: genetically modified humans

"...human pre-natal diagnosis... The object of the exercise: to identify foetuses with the earmarks of genetic disease as candidates for abortion."

rip and i talked about this the other month. we agreed that if we knew our kid was going to have a major mental or physical disability we would most likely choose to abort it. reasoning: "growing up is hard enough. i wouldn't want my kid to go through more discrimination / bullying / hardship if he had no arms or some sort of major mental handicap."

one of us then asked what we would do if we knew the kid was going to be gay? i said i'd keep it, rip said he would have to think about it. i was offended. but after thinking about it, i now see how hypocritical that is. being gay is hard. in america most of us don't worry about getting killed just because we're a certain ethnicity (it does happen, but not often enough to be really worried about). but being gay is dangerous. crazy haters will make my kid's life miserable just cause he likes boys instead of girls. so if my reasoning for not wanting a child with harlequin ichthyosis is that i want my kid's life be "easy" doesn't that mean i should also not want my kid to be gay? but how far does this go? (and yes, i know i'm approaching, or maybe even on, a slippery slope here...) should i also not want to have girl?

it's hard to be a parent. good parents want whatever's best for their child. but what's "best" isn't always clear.

spoiled

why are american kids so spoiled?

i definitely think we coddle our kids. i've tutored a few kids over the years and have seen what some parents let their kids get away with... sheesh! also, since i do the steering stuff at long beach i'm constantly emailing teams. a lot of these are high school or college teams, and they are generally pretty SHIT at responding to emails. it's not like they're not online, they just don't respond to emails because they don't think it's important. that's a ridiculous attitude!

i definitely think it's "our" fault tho. i remember back in the day when we were a high school or college team, we were on top of things! we were self-taught. we coached ourselves, set up our own practices, figured out our own finances, got to practices / races on our own, turned in paperwork without needing reminders... all of the high school teams now all have an adult coach / team manager. why is that? we did it ourselves, why can't they?

"...my husband and I gave them a new job: unloading the grocery bags from the car. One evening when I came home from the store, it was raining. Carrying two or three bags, the youngest, Aaron, who is thirteen, tried to jump over a puddle. There was a loud crash. After I’d retrieved what food could be salvaged from a Molotov cocktail of broken glass and mango juice, I decided that Aaron needed another, more vigorous lesson in responsibility. Now, in addition to unloading groceries, he would also have the task of taking out the garbage. On one of his first forays, he neglected to close the lid on the pail tightly enough, and it attracted a bear. The next morning, as I was gathering up the used tissues, ant-filled raisin boxes, and slimy Saran Wrap scattered across the yard, I decided that I didn’t have time to let my kids help out around the house."

...did you notice anything wrong with this? she cleaned up after he messed up. your kid is 13; he can pick up broken glass without bleeding to death. and if he does get hurt, it probably won't be badly, so it's not a big deal. (it's good though that they didn't take away the unloading task) aaron wasn't careful when doing his chores, but if he doesn't have to deal with the consequences, he'll never learn to be more careful. why should he care if bears get into the garbage? mom will clean it up anyway.

i'm not saying that you should make your kids grow up as fast as possible (tho it seems they can handle it), but you shouldn't coddle them. teach them to be independent. supervise, but don't do it yourself. let them figure it out first before telling them what to do. your kid is smarter and more capable than you think.

boys will be

remember all that craziness last halloween when a set of parents let their 5-year-old son dress as daphne from the scooby-doo? well, it's basically happened again. but this time, it wasn't halloween, so people are even more pissed. there was a photo on the j. crew website that showed a designer with her young son. the problem? she had painted his toe nails hot pink.

i don't have a problem with this. i think a lot of the stuff girls do is more fun. i mean, seriously. look at those little fluffy pink dresses girls get to wear, as opposed to the little suits boys wear. i hate pink, i generally don't like fluff or flowers, and i rarely wear dresses or skirts. yet i totally think much of little girl clothes are way more fun. we just have so many more options when it comes to clothing. so who can blame little boys when they want to dress as girls? (for instance, princess boy dyson) girls can wear every color invented, but boys can't. we don't allow them most pastels and even some bright colors are out (no magenta).

i brought up this subject with my boyfriend and asked him what he would do if our son wanted to wear pink nail polish. he said he wouldn't let him. "pink is for girls." so, of course, i asked him what if our son wanted to wear blue nail polish? "nail polish is for girls!" lol. i wouldn't have a problem if our son wanted to paint his nails. but, honestly, i would be a little worried if our son wanted to dress as a girl. i would, however, let him. and it's not that i worry that my 5-year-old son will "become" gay or even a transexual or transvestite. i just wouldn't want the other kids to tease him. i think even the most gay-progressive parents don't prefer their children to be gay, if only because it means that life will be harder on them. i want my kids to be happy. and i worry that since society in general doesn't approve of homosexuality, my gay kid will face more discrimination. worse yet, they might become the target of bullies and homophobes. people get killed because they're gay. no one gets killed simply because they're straight.

getting back to the subject, i would want to raise my kids as gender neutral as possible. i would buy my son dolls, i would also play catch with my daughter. it's probably because i'm not very feminine myself, but i will not buy my baby daughter pink. and i will cringe if she asks for an easy-bake oven (probably because i don't cook). but do you see what i mean? i want my kid to be happy, but if she wants to me to buy her a pink dress, i will hesitate, tho i'd do it, cause, hey what do i care if my kid wants to wear something s/he feels pretty in? gah, it's so hard raising kids, isn't it? knowing how much control to exert over them.