the point

i tried sweet mustard the other day. twice. and horseradish sauce too. and other foods (like indian) / things that i "know" i already don't like. as well as new new things, or revisiting things i haven't done in years. like an irish boxty, an old fashioned, k1 racing, whiskey sours, karaoke, a ton of new restaurants, barley coffee, salsa and bachata dancing, etc. t made a comment about the sweet mustard, cause i was with her at the time. and quite easily i said "that was the whole point of breaking up." as if sampling condiments had anything at all to do with my relationship status.

but maybe it does. i mean, that *was* the point, no? i wanted something new and different and now i'm pushing myself into new territories. i'm obviously the same person but i do feel different. i think i'm more deliberate now. trying to actively remember things, enjoy things, be happy. i have a journal that i sort of write in every few weeks, hahah. but i do it with the intention of coming back to it years later and being able to remember that day.

i feel that a lot of my time with rip was wasted or lost. maybe it's how my memory works, but i don't remember the exact color of his eyes, his scent, or the sound of his voice, the lifts and elongations. i must have, when we first started out, lingered on his details but they're all lost to me now. that makes me incredibly sad. i know i would recognize him, immediately, subconsciously, but i can't now actively describe much beyond the generalizations. that's the problem too, i guess, with a "sudden" breakup. that you don't know *this* will be your last kiss, your last touch, your last gaze. we're still friends, thankfully, so i guess i could go about re-memorizing the little things about him. but it's different now. and it's fucked up to try to recreate those tender warm moments of being in love when you're no longer there.