for future use

have been realizing lately what a bad girlfriend I was to rip. Maybe it's because we were together for such a long time, maybe it's because i am who I am, but I don't think in the last number of years i really tried to make him feel special.

I took him for granted. We're both guilty of that. The complacency probably came from that neither of us thought a breakup was a serious possibility. Maybe every (or most anyway) good relationship needs some insecurity and fear to breed appreciation and effort. 

For a long time I thought what I wanted was variety. I didn't want to Netflix everyday, movie every date.* I thought going out to restaurants, trying new activities,  etc would bring some life back to us. Now I'm pretty sure that what I really wanted was to feel like a new couple again. That anticipation of seeing him again, the wonder from discovering new about them, the excitement of doing new things and going new paces. I'd said before that it made me sad that all our newest experiences were with other people, which is why I wanted to go out and do new things with him. But ultimately I don't think that would have helped for long. I needed to show him that I loved and appreciated him, and vice versa. 

The problem now is that I don't really know how to show it. The five love languages thing really speaks to me tho I don't particularly identify with any of them, except maybe quality time. That's a hard one tho, since, well, what really defines "quality"? I've had more than a couple guys say to me that I show I care differently.** While I'm glad they recognize that, I'm also worried that if I don't change, it'll never be enough for the people I really care about. I should probably just "randomly" pick one or two and work on that, rather than seeing what comes naturally, since none do. Lol, I'm such a fucking robot.

disclaimer: NO i don't want to get back with him. these reflections are so i can improve on my current/future relationships.

* which is especially funny because even now when he does ask to hang out, it's for a movie or for house of cards or something.

** i fucking HATE when guys say this tho i totally get it. not mad at him, or him saying it, just annoyed it's true i guess.