examination

had a little bit of a dtr with j last night. I texted t about it this morning and she asked "are you ever afraid i'll stop loving you as my friend? were you ever afraid rip would stop loving you?" and no, i wasn't. "i don't fear people not loving me. i do fear them leaving me... which is why i try to be self-sufficient. love doesn't really mean that much, you know? you can love someone and still leave them."

  I had sleep paralysis once. i freaked for a little bit then I calmed down and thought about how my life would change. my biggest worry was that i would become a burden on my parents.
  the other day I was posed a question of what sense i would choose to keep if i were to lose the others. i picked sight because it would allow me to lead a more independent life than if i retained a single of the others.
i thought these things had to do with not wanting to bother others, but after j's comment about not trusting people, i think it actually has to do with not wanting to depend on people, in case they leave me.

since rip's and my break two octobers ago, i've really tried to figure myself out. "An unexamined life is not worth living" and all that. it's got a lot of truth tho. i didn't realize how much i let my fear of abandonment affect my life. like every damn aspect, maybe.

it makes me sad. and a little worried. i mean, if i couldn't completely open up to rip in the nearly 18 years we were friends and more, i don't know that i'll ever be able to fully trust/depend on anyone. tho now that I know this is an issue, hopefully i'll be able to confront it more fully. ...i'm not really holding my breath tho, ha.