#blackouttuesday

got a bit fired up this morning seeing all those blank black rectangles on instagram. that doesn't DO anything! I get that you're showing solidarity with the BLM movement, but are you really? this has been said a lot lately, and I'm all for it: it isn't enough not to be racist; you have to be ANTI-racist. and if posting this on your insta is all you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

after some thought, i posted an amazingly still relevant quotation from writer Ta-Nehisi Coates from his book Between the World and Me. 

do you remember Eric Garner? he too was suffocated to death by a cop. his last words were "I can't breathe." that was 2014. the cop, Pantaleo, was finally fired in 2019. AND "A state grand jury declined to press criminal charges." in fact, NY police commissioner James O'Neill actually said that "had I been in Officer Pantaleo's situation, I may have made similar mistakes." um... Pantaleo isn't the victim here. and he broke rules to kill Garner; chokeholds are banned by the NYPD. (short article)

there were a couple other slides from my post, but below is my caption. 

DO MORE. join a protest, help cleanup the next day if looters/rioters hijacked that protest, sign a bunch of change.org petitions, watch a documentary, read a book (Ta-Nehisi Coates @tanehisipcoatesis amazing), EDUCATE yourself, support family owned black businesses, boycott companies that exploit black people (that exploit anyone really!), DONATE! as someone who helps with fundraising for a non-profit, i can tell you that every donation, no matter how small, is appreciated. 
this year i'm donating about $25 a month to a different org/cause. this month i'm choosing Equal Justice Initiative @eji_org which "works to end mass incarceration, excessive punishment, and racial inequality." I found them on charity navigator @charitynav and they have an incredible 100% overall rating. 
#blackoutuesday

aziz

I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life

this article brings up the questions of what is sexual assault and what is consent?

personally, i don't think this was assault: he didn't physically force her to do anything, he stopped when she "no, i really don't think i'm ready to do this." he didn't restrain her from leaving, he didn't even verbally try to convince her of much. that being said, i would've felt uncomfortable with him too. he's a lot more aggressive that i prefer, but i wouldn't have remained naked with him for hour, gone down on him twice, and stuck around for tv. obviously he should have paid better attention to her non-verbal cues, but then, staying naked and giving blowjobs are much clearer non-verbal cues.

i much more agree with this assessment of what happened: Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader.

i don't want to diminish what Grace feels but i think she needs to take some responsibility for her actions. i don't think that only a clearly enunciated "no" means no, but what does "let's relax for a sec" even mean? to me it says, let's stop for a bit and reassess. in other words, let's maybe continue doing what we're doing.

people aren't mind readers. you can't give super mixed signals, be unclear in your verbage, then accuse someone of a crime. that's fucked up. she had a bad sexual encounter but it's as much her fault as his. he should have been more attentive; she should have been more clear. she should have said what she wanted or didn't want. instead she passively expressed her disinterest by no longer touching him or kissing him, and moving away from him on the couch. you can't give up your agency and be offended when people don't notice what you're not saying.

i understand that sometimes it can be hard to say no. that sometimes you freeze up and "let" things happen to you. but she should understand that her passivity played a role in this situation too. things likely wouldn't have escalated or have gone on that long had she just said no. for her to lay the entire blame on him seems really unfair.

looks don't matter

The problem with calling Harvey Weinstein ugly
Body-shaming men is deeply unprogressive — even if they’re accused of sex crimes.

this! yes! does being ugly give the excuse to sexually assault someone? no, of course not. and if it doesn't matter what the victim looked/dressed like, how would the aggressor's looks matter?

"Why should we care about someone like Weinstein (or Rose) being body-shamed? ... It also distracts from the problem with what he did, which has nothing to do with his looks. What made these acts abusive is the lack of consent, not the appearance of the predators. And that perpetuates rape culture. As long as we keep acting as if sexual abuse is wrong because the abuser is physically unattractive or sexually deviant, abusers deemed attractive and “normal” will be more likely to get away with it."

also, "One unfortunate effect of this is that we consider conventionally unattractive people less credible victims of sexual assault or harassment." and that's equally fucked up.

sexual assault and harassment aren't always about the sex itself, or even about attraction. it often has nothing to do with one's physical appearance. of either party. that's why people who could "get some anyway" are sometimes rapists.

petition

got a change.org email asking me to sign a petition to ban anatomically correct child dolls.

Right now, teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors, in every town in America, can purchase lifelike, anatomically correct dolls designed to simulate sex with a child. And it’s perfectly legal.
These sick dolls are being imported into the United States and other countries. British police have seized more than 100 already in the UK, and authorities have found that the people buying them usually have child pornography too.
Sign this petition to ban the sale and distribution of child sex dolls!
These child sex dolls can normalize a pedophile’s behaviors, emboldening them to harm children, as is often the case with those who view child pornography.
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 children are sexually abused. One child is too many. Our elected officials need to protect children. That’s why Congressman Dan Donovan from New York is introducing legislation that will ban the distribution and sale of dolls that encourage child abuse.
Show your support for this legislation by signing this petition, and help protect America’s children!
not sure how I feel about this. I mean, obviously I'm against any kind of sexual conduct towards the underage. but if these people are having sex with dolls, will it deter them from having sex with actual kids or is it more of a gateway thing? cause if most of them use it as an outlet, rather than a stimulus, then we should not ban these dolls. gross as they are, they would be deterring crime.

the email itself is really weird too, why does it say that "teachers, coaches, babysitters, and neighbors" can buy these? I can't think of a reason why these people would need such a doll, but I dunno. I think the petition would have sat better with me had it said that perverts can buy these dolls.

child abuse?

the adrian peterson case basically asks us to define child abuse. is it any kind of physical punishment towards a child? or is "light" physical discipline okay, but nothing "excessive"? [i'm only focusing on physical punishment in this post]

my parents didn't beat me. i don't remember ever being spanked, whipped, or hit, though i probably was at some point. (let's call this type active physical punishment [app]). the worst thing i remember is that my mom would use a wooden ruler with a metal edge and hit my open palms with it. she hit pretty hard, but i can say with near certainty that i never bled from it. i think it was more of a shame thing. i do not feel traumatized.

my friends told me some of what they went thru: kneeling in the corner, pulling their own earlobes, holding their arms straight forward for extended periods of time (this sounds easy; it isn't!). this type of physical punishment doesn't leave scars (tho apparently kneeling a lot causes your knees to become hairy?) let's call this passive physical punishment [ppp].

i don't know which is worse, or which is more effective, or if any type of physical punishment is effective at all. app is probably more traumatic, but it's usually over faster. i don't know what the average duration of ppp is, but i would think that forcing a kid to keep their arms out for half an hour would hurt a lot more than a spanking that doesn't leave bruises!

personally, i think physical punishment is permissible, and yes, even app. so where do i draw the line? i think that if you ever leave bruises, welts, or break skin, you are doing it too damn hard. you're trying to teach a lesson, not mentally or physically scar your child. you are an adult; you are very strong compared to your kids. you should not ever purposely semi-permanently hurt them physically. it is unacceptable.

and that's how i judge adrian peterson. his kid was bleeding from multiple wounds. peterson should have stopped as soon as his kid started bleeding. he should never have gone on to further inflict that amount of physical abuse. if you wouldn't let another adult put you thru that much, you should never put your kid thru that.

ray rice

this ray rice thing. i'm not going to link any articles since i don't want to color your opinion if you haven't seen the video yet. so here's the video.



i absolutely think ray rice should be cut from the ravens and suspended by the nfl. if he doesn't admit to any wrongdoing then he should probably be cut from the nfl entirely.

i think that accidents to happen. he could have accidentally knocked her unconscious. she rushed at him, he deflected her, she then fell head first into the handrail. so the fall could have knocked her out. EXCEPT that if he didn't mean to hit her unconscious he would've checked on her once she hit the floor! but he doesn't move to check on her. he doesn't even shift her body so she's a little more comfortable. when he drags her out of the elevator he isn't careful with her. he doesn't even make sure that she's completely out of the elevator. and psychically, he is able to. he just does not care to. and all that, to me, shows that this is not a one time accident. this is domestic abuse.

they both need to go to counseling. go separately. we can't make her press charges against him, but hopefully, through counseling they'll both realize that he was wrong. if the govt can charge him with aggregated assault or battery, they should. she is currently in denial about what happened. she has defended him, and has said she didn't agree with the nfl suspension. but she is wrong. i mean, sheesh, has she watched the video?

i also think there should be a criminal investigation about how the nfl commissioner roger goodell handled the case before tmz published the elevator video. but that's a different discussion.

chris brown

Laura Bates - Chris Brown's Tattoo Shows Exactly How Seriously We Take Domestic Violence

a. is it really a picture of a battered woman?
b. how long do wait to forgive someone of battery?
c. should we forgive chris brown?

a. i say no. it immediately reminded me of the day of the dead skull things. and his rep says it is based of a sugar skull design. 

b. not for a very very long time. i think this is one of those things that your reputation can never / probably should never really recover from. it's like being a rapist or a child molester. can you wish you never did those things and would never ever again? sure. but that stuff's really bad. it's not like making a simple wrong decision, like shoplifting.

c. in brown's case, definitely not yet. he beat up rihanna really really badly. he strangled her, hit her, and did not stop. and this all happened only three years ago. since then he hasn't shown remorse ("It's not really a big deal to me now, as far as that situation. I think I'm past that in my life." ""I'm so over people bringing this past s**t up!!!" [...yes, because your feelings matter, not that of your victim.]). and he clearly still has an anger problem (last year's incident at gma, this year's fight with drake).

just because rihanna clearly seems to have forgiven him doesn't mean that the rest of us should. maybe she's really goddamn stupid. maybe he lies to her and she's bought it. maybe he does feel badly about the situation and has managed to hold on his anger (for now?). maybe he really has changed. or maybe not.

in any case, the thing that really bothers me is that brown himself seems to think that just because some time has passed, and that rihanna has forgiven him, nothing else matters. but what he did was really terrible. and he's a public figure so he does have to make it up to his fans. btw, time itself doesn't mean anything. just cause it's been three years (which is not even a long time) doesn't mean that you're automatically forgiven.