weirdness

can this be true? if so, it is the scariest looking guy ever! and in relation to that: the weirdest man ever! mmm... sexy... lol. :) and just for fun: batman the game.

techies

as you may or may not kno, e3 was just a couple weeks ago. and because of it, there's been somewat of a massive influx of new tech stuff. there's a lot of somewat okay interesting stuff, like this nokia web tablet. but the only thing i really thought was worth posting is this list of 20 things gamers want changed from the 7th generation of game consoles. it's a good list, even for those who aren't really interested. and because this is so related, here's the phone number for the internet. i don't totally kno wat it's about... i called and got a recording. if you get something different, let me kno.

life preserver...

so after we talked things have been a bit different. for me things hadn't really changed much. i think i was just having a really bad day sunday and now that i'm over it, well... i'm over it. for reep, on the other hand, it seems as tho everything is different. and worse, he's acting entirely different towards me and is being over sensitive: reading into things that aren't there, constantly second guessing me, mistrusting nearly everything i say... i wouldn't have thought it really possible, but it's all even harder now. i am getting very stressed by the whole situation. furthermore, we're just not clicking as we used to. we've had several arguments, blow ups, freak outs and it really doesn't seem to be getting better. sometimes i feel like i just can't win wit this guy...maybe each of us just wants too much from the other. i feel like... i can't ever satisfy him. i say the wrong things. or i finally say the right thing. but he doesn't believe me. for me it isn't ever really that i disbelieve wat he says. but so frequently he says the wrong thing. he says that he doesn't believe in saying the 'right' thing. i believe that sometimes it's better to be kind. in any case. i think we both also feel underappreciated. sunday night we were talking on the phone and it pretty much came down to 'i did this for you' 'well, i did this for you' as if it were some sort of contest. silly really. but telling. ...we are both constantly leting each other down...

'some might say we've done the wrong things, for way too long' / 'hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, then watch them drift away' / 'when all the trust is gone…' 'i'm running away.' 'i'm flying, i'm flying away.' 'i'm turning away.' 'cause i'm through mending the wounds of us' / 'i'm backing out, giving up, i need to find a darkened corner where it's safer and calmer.'

fight club quotes (life)

Tyler: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

 

Tyler: Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction...

 

Tyler: Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?

 

Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

 

Tyler: Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!

 

Tyler: We just had a near-life experience.

food poetry

new york trash for sale! sounds really stupid but actually kind of cool in a weirdish way... i mainly just like the website. very cool looking. altho maybe not as cool as actually having eyes in the back of your head. and in more body news, this 3d body scan is pretty cool. ...i thought i liked food. but not nearly as much as these people love burritos... i have never ever written a poem about steak. um... 'a steak lake my god would make / just to prove that he wasn't fake / i'd lay in my boat and eat all day / my metabolisms high so no more i'd weigh / it would be great, just like heaven / cause i'd have steak for courses a seven.' oh yeah. i'm totally getting that noble prize for poetry this year... and just for fun, you can submit your very own food poem. and maybe, just maybe, i'll post it on this very webiste! and one more thing. on ebay: before and after michael jackson toast. (if you only click one link today let this be the one!)

stupid me

are you stupid like me? i encourage people to do things i don't want them to do. but i tell them to do it because it's the good thing to do. it not necessarily being the 'right' thing. does that make any sense? in other words, i stab myself in the back. and yeah, it is the right thing, encouraging others to do things. but i could just say nothing. i could just ignore the situation entirely. instead i go out of my way to push people to do things i really don't want them to do! and no, you're not getting any examples. call or email me if you want one. ...you see? i don't air all my dirty laundry online. pah.

'it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy' 'cause every now and then i kick the living shit out of me' 'please tell me why'

long reads

time's top 100 movies of all time. don't like the way they did it. just top 100 in no real order. i've seen... only 9. lol. but would still disagree wit the list. lotr shouldn't be on there. like the afi top 100 movie list better. i mean come on! forrest gump, 2001, wizard of oz, west side story, and amadeus are all missing! top 100 movie voices. good list. disagree wit a few. hugo weaving should be higher. bill murry lower. mr t higher. and eastwood way lower. and the cutest thing ever: deciduous. i love i love!

wat happens when..?

wat happens when... you call the police: you get jailed. ...you're too fat: you get sent to the zoo! ...you're a bad parent: your kids get sold. ...your cows like trees: you get hamburgers. ...you're a really bad hacker: you get caught! lesson of today? don't try this at home!

fight club quotes (others)

Narrator: What do you do for a living?
Tyler: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?

 

Narrator: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter… The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

 

Narrator: If I didn't say anything, people always assumed the worst.

 

Tyler: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!

 

Tyler: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

 

Tyler: We are all part of the same compost heap.

 

Narrator: When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just-
Marla: - instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?

priorities

oh holy hell i might as well have just f*cked myself into oblivion. have two essays due in about 8 hours. but have spent the last 4.5 hours talking to reep. um. yeah... was supposed to just be 30 minutes. but it was all serious, you kno? so we just kept going. talked thru a lot. don't kno if we solved much. but just talking is good. however, ended on a bad note. and we hung up unhappily. damn, it's 1.43am right now. so now, even tho i'm mightily tired and oh so not in the mood, i gotta whip up two essays when i'm not really sure how to write them at all. ...eesh. btw? those big changes referred to in the previous post? don't kno about them yet. for a while there it seemed as if we were gonna break up, then it seemed not. but the way we hung up... he said that he didn't kno i was so far along in actually breaking up wit him. ...i don't kno exactly how far along i was tho... it was a very serious consideration but i had in no way decided on wat to do. it's hard, you kno, the things that are good for you aren't always the things you want. and worse yet, sometimes the things you want are impossible. like this damn essay i gotta write. okay, gg now!

'i liked having hurt...' 'but long before, having hurt, i'd send the pain below' '…where i need it' / 'much like suffocating' 'i can't feel my chest drop down.'

moaded! (sp?)

so some people have a little too much time on their hands... but the result is still really cool. so appt this guy rents a hotel room for a night or so and moves certain objects and then paints a picture under it. then he covers it up again. neat. not so neat but sorta funny is: rejected "love is" comics. and darth vader may be able to read your mind, but he certainly can't read mine. he finally gave up after like five minutes. i was thinking about elephant dung, btw. but don't bother thinking about that too, cause after he gives up you have the option of typing in wat you were thinking about and i did. heh heh. i'm fabulous. and in other revenge new, ken jennings is taking his by doing his own show. slotted at possibly the same time as jeopordy. looks like he really did have the last word... and finally! your ghetto fabulous dresms are about the be realized: spinners for your teeth!

fight club quotes (self)

narrator: You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX… Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time… If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

 

narrator: …nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

 

tyler: Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.

 

tyler: Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.

 

narrator: And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

 

narrator: [while brutally beating Angel Face] I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

 

narrator: I felt like destroying something beautiful.

 

tyler: Congratulations, you are one step closer to hitting bottom.

 

tyler: Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.

depressions

sometimes i get so horribly depressed. not that i'd want to kill myself, altho the thought did cross my mind sunday night after he hung up on me. was thinking that (coincidentally i brought a bottle of tylenol to school for the muscle aches i had from db) if i downed the whole bottle that night no one would find me until tuesday morning. but if i thought it out well enough, yuko might not even realize i was dead until tuesday night. reep might get worried. but i would call him first and tell him that i needed some time to be alone and didn't want to talk to him until sometime later in the week. it would work. but a bottle of pills is so not how i want to kill myself. i heard it hurts a lot and i kno it usually doesn't work. i've always wanted to jump out or off of something high. i would love to fly. of course, if i jump out of something it would be falling. but that's the next closest thing to flying, right? but i've also wanted to do it out of my car, so i guess this little fantasy of mine will just have to wait at least until this weekend.

back to my depression. it doesn't make me want to kill myself. i am not unhappy wit life or wit myself. i like rather myself actually. which, at first read may sound self centered. but really, it's just healthy. i don't think i'm perfect (i kno i'm perfect, lol). i kno my weaknesses and i also kno my strengths. but i am my favorite companion. and i never tire of my own company. no. my depression is more brought on by others. of course i am also the one who chooses to surround myself wit those same people who depress me. so obviously i'm not infallible. but because i become depressed from my interactions wit others sometimes i very badly want to escape them. the postsecret secret that always gets to me is this one. i find it incredible that someone could have pulled this off. this is another fantasy that i have. going away and starting over. making no real connections to anyone. because it is these relationships that get me down. the burden of relationships is so heavy. wat you owe them. wat you must do or say. you can't ever fully just be yourself around the people that you are closest to. because you don't want to hurt them. so you simply suppress yourself. it seems to follow that it should then be easiest to be the closest approximation to yourself wit strangers (btw, it doesn't follow. it is equally difficult to be yourself around them because we are so multifaceted). in my case, however, this isn't true because i act out. i don't care much wat strangers think. so i take out things which should be directed at perhaps those closest to me onto them. and yeah, i kno. this isn't good. but i've always felt that there are too many people to keep happy. so all you should focus on is yourself and those who are closest to your heart. strangers, therefore, are inconsequential. of course, wit the way cycles work... those closest to you are repelled at the way you treat strangers. see? can't keep anyone happy. i suppose if you're a simple person wit not a whole lot of complicated emotions and/or thinkage, then it would be easier to please everyone. but i am no such person. they say ignorance is bliss. but only if you're stupid enough to be blissful wit that ignorance. i, personally, would not be that happy being ignorant. yes, sometimes i choose to be left in the dark. and i would find myself unhappy either way. but i think that sometimes it's just easier and less hurtful to kno.

i think i've come up a solution. altho i'm not quite sure i'm strong enough to carry it out. we'll see. i need to do a little more research. then imma see how the idea sits wit me in a few weeks more. suffice it to say however, that if i go thru wit it, major changes will be afoot.

'i’m so insecure and i gotta get away cause your making me weak' / 'a charade we play time after time; it’s keeping me trapped' / 'over and over: it’s the way it is' 'i’m losing my mind' / 'i gotta be a fool sitting here tryin' to get that old thing back' / 'it's like i hate to love you' / 'no i don' t wanna hear it no more' / 'can it be over?'

(in)significance

was thinking tonight. is the first love necessarily the best? people ask: who was your first love? but that question puts undeserved emphasis on first, implying importance. but for me, my second love has been my best. my first was... inconclusive and rather ineffectual (probably because i didn't really share it wit him). insignificant really, if not for that it was my first. but who cares wat number it was, or wat number you're on. it should only matter which was the best. and why, if you're not still in it, you're not. and yet, i suppose because of the overbearing influence of society, even i feel as tho perhaps i cannot fully bond wit reepal, because we don't share that first love. silly, isn't it? esp as since reep has said that he's loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. maybe it's a bit like not having siblings. while i don't want a sister or brother, i do wonder wat it would be like. not because i'm lonely or anything, i just wonder. wat that would feel like. how i would feel about them. but i don't kno. and i won't. and it doesn't bother me really. i don't feel as if i'm missing anything. but i still wonder. and i guess that's wat this is. i don't have a world-altering first love. it wasn't the kind of love that starts wars or stars in movies even. it was just this small passing thing. a single kitten of a whole litter, born and quickly thereafter ran over by a car. lying in the street unnoticed for days... ...that's a hell of an analogy. but anyway. the world and it's contents are spinning. i think i'm getting sick. so, back to this first love, wat makes it so great anyway? why does the lack of it wit reepal make me feel somewhat dispossesed by/of him? it reminds me of that childhood saying: first the worst, second the best... numbers really are just numbers. and significance is wat you make of it. each new lover, significant other, that you take on, is a chance for you to deligate how significant you want to make of it all: the lover himself and love itveryself.

'everything i did before you, wasn't worth my while; it should've been you all the time' / 'all i wanna do, all i wanna feel, all i wanna be is close to you. all i wanna do, is love you' / 'irreplaceable, love, love, in my life' 'the irreplaceable, love, love, of my life'

am i?

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

unrelated

*wellwell, to add to last night's post about winning things: win a computer! *world's fastest (and possibly ugliest) cars. *photographers are mean and not to be trusted *wat if keanu were a woman and angelina jolie were african american? *darth vader is mean (thank you ting) *keifer sutherland sells out and hocks energy bars.

traitoriousness

 Rip N La [11:31 PM]:  btw, i realized when i woke up, that 24 girl must be one of the reasons I want to see the movie, because I wouldnt have wanted to see it as much if she wasnt in it
Rip N La [11:31 PM]:  like, i only noticed the movie because of her
Neurp [11:31 PM]:  thought so
Rip N La [11:31 PM]:  and the movie storyline/horror theme, is interesting because it doesnt show the bad guy at all, so thats interesting to me
Neurp [11:32 PM]:  ...you can stop justifying yourself now
Rip N La [11:32 PM]:  but it also looks like its got some good freaky parts where you dont expect stuff to happen
Rip N La [11:32 PM]:  im not actually
Rip N La [11:32 PM]:  im just telling you what i thought about when i woke up
Neurp [11:32 PM]:  mmm

background history: he likes/d that girl:elisha cuthbert. ...anyone else notice the similarities? namely wit al and possibly al2? ...greaaaate! =\

hi-tek

so maybe you're short on cash but would still like to buy an xbox. well have i the solution for you! if you're a hacker, check this out. if, however, you've got talent in other areas, maybe you should try this and win an xbox 360. hm... don't want an xbox eh? just want the money? well, if you can solve this riddle you just might win $5000! and wit that amount of money, you might not be able to buy a bubble house but can definitly afford tickets to the video game music concert.

taking notice

it's interesting, really, the things we think we should get credit for. one always knows when they themselves are being kind. but one rarely seems to recognize it in others. we seem also to be constantly looking for either compliments or apologies. someone steps on the tip of your toe and says nothing. well, they're a big fat bugger and you're a stick figure so maybe they didn't notice. and yet you huff at them. at that foam party forever ago, i was being pushed around a lot so i heaped foam onto the backs of people's heads. silly and immature but also very cathartic. or when you compliment someone: 'i really like your shoes!' in part you are expecting 'well, i really like your earrings!' but how genuine is this response? are they complimenting you because you complimented them? do they actually mean it? or did they just pick the least hideous thing you have on and tell you it looks good? or maybe they did pick the ugliest thing you have on?... i personally am a rather complimentary person. i like to tell people wat i like about them. it makes them happy. and i also try to be diplomatic and fair, giving credit where it is due. and citing possible reasons during instances of failure rather than just gulping down more haterade. sometimes anyway. sometimes you just don't care you kno? (my mom tells me to only wear clothing that i look good in. i disagree. i think you should wear clothing that you feel good in. forget look good in. ...okay, i had a reason for writing that... somehow it related... but i guess not). but anyway. credit. i guess this comes back to this thing reep and i were watching a long time ago. it was a commercial or something that encouraged kids to volunteer. one of the reasons was because: 'it makes me feel good.' ...well i'm glad you're helping others wit yourself so firmly in mind. shouldn't the point of helping others be because of others? if you're looking to make yourself happy, there are easier ways of doing it. anyways, so in relation to relationships, or life, watever. you should really take notice of when your partner does things for you (or others!). the little things. remember to thank them. compliment them. and tell them just how sorry you are if you mess up. always remember to let people kno how much you appreciate them. and crikey! if someone sends you a freakin tech link then instead of demanding why they sent it to you, just say thanks. obviously i don't care about that kind of stuff, but i kno you do. soi thought you would be interested! if you sent me a link on some poetry contest or dangers of eating steak article i'd thank you! eesh! (btw, this was not wat this update was about. it was actually in reference to something else. but then this happened right now and it's oh so fitting).

backasswards

presenting the real virtual car! it's pretty cool actually... and interestingly enough, peta kills animals. who would've thought? also, robots are smarter than you! (not smarter than me tho...): they can replicate themselves. take that xerox! btw, i saw kung fu hustle this weekend. funny! and while you're at the site, go play the games. mildly entertaining.

galleries

yeahyeah ikno ikno... it's already tuesday and i've not posted till now. well, deal wit it. i'v been busy. something you obviously kno nothing about. burn! ... so! if you're thinking about getting a haircut, please first consult this site: 50 worst hair-styles of all time. but you kno, while trump's hair is bad, it isn't that bad... definitly deserves to be on the list. but number 1? no. and in another compilation of pictures you wish you've never seen: museam of food anomalies. and lastly, a site on retouched pictures. most dramatic difference? kelis. bigger boobs and butt. and way smaller arms. and most surprisingly, lil kim looks good both before and after the retouch. and that williams sister? neither one looks too good... and while you're at it? don't forget to check out usher's armpit. oh la la!

love melodic

so the most amazing thing happened last night! you kno that movie life aquatic that i was raving about a while ago? i've been saying that when the dvd came out (this past tuesday) i was totally gonna get it. so as usual reep came to pick me up from school on friday and after we had been thru the drive-thru of dell taco we were sitting in the parking lot. reep asked me to get a pen for him and pointed to the glove compartment. i just sat there for a little while, not moving, cause i was thinking 'but it's dark, how am i to find a pen in there?' i reached anyway. and saw the yellow words life aquatic peering out from the left side of the compartment. he got me the dvd! i couldn't believe it! isn't he the sweetest? i hadn't even asked him for it. was totally not even expecting him to get it for me. hadn't even crossed my mind! and i didn't even say any time this week that it was out. was totally just gonna come home this weekend and hit up my favorite store target. but he beat me to it! and he hasn't even watched it before, so i can't wait to watch it wit him. hehe hoho! watta sweetie! :)

coda

a friend and i were talking ealier this week about tatoos and how expensive they are. so if you ever really really want that tat but can't afford it, but do have a lot of chest hair to spare, you're in luck: ghetto tatooing. and in case you ever visit neverland ranch, here's a map. and really, if you didn't kno wat went around there, just looking at the legend, the place looks like a lot of fun. and because i won't be here to update till maybe late sunday night, for you weekend pleasure here's mario starcatcher.

bday celebration!

holy poop i never updated about reep's bday! so maybe you already kno this (and if you read my site then you should kno me so you should kno this and if you don't then you probably don't kno me and so why are you reading my site?!) but a while ago reep's cds were stolen out of his car (along wit his cd player [not stereo] and my car kit). so i've been giving him cds for the last few holidays and such. think i've already gotten him three metalica ones. have one more to get him but decided to surprise him for his bday and get him korn cds instead. so i gave him one a month ago (got excited). and after he came over after work on friday (his bday), i gave him another. was gonna wait to give him his actual present but couldn't so gave it to him a bit anticlimatically. and altho he would rather have had season two (which i didn't kno) i got him season three of his fav show 24. will get him season two later. so we spent some time together and then headed over to tom's place to get together for dinner at 'the summit' in fullerton. cheeky, tom, reep and me. it was a lot of fun. i don't kno cheeky well, we've only ever hung out at mammoth ealier this year but i've always heard good things about her. besides, she and angie are good friends and angie likes me so that proves she has good taste so i'll trust her wit cheeky. lol. anyway! she's so sweet tho. she even got reep a gift. :) watta gal. so dinner was great (tom had a 24oz steak!). super food, great company, and fabulous conversation. afterwards we went to tom's place cause i've never gone (he's a sweetheart too. he's the one that came up wit the idea and planned this whole dinner thing.) and spent a while at his house inspecting the thing, working out, and watching his dog eat. he has the coolest house btw. very spacious. esp the master bathroom (which is bigger than my room at home) and walk in closet (bigger than half my dorm room). and they have this fabulous furniture made of dark heavy wood. very nice. their dining room and living room are furnished wit traditional chinese furniure. their dining table even has a lazy susan! so cool! all in all it was a great bday, i thought. reep said he had a good time, which is, obviously, wat matters. and i think he was really touched at cheeky's gift and tom's thoughtfulness. yep. good friends make good birthdays. :) happy bday again sweetiepie. *!muah!*

friday the 13th

i get so incredibly tired these days. i'm not entirely sure from wat either, but i could just sleep for days... btw, been meaning to post this link, courtesy of ting!: burrito mistaken for gun. and in other food news, there is now a chili so hot, it can kill you. and i don't kno if anyone else finds this weird, but look, it's another 8 foot tall chinese guy. how is this possible? i always learned that chinese people were short! but i guess when one of the biggest rappers is white, nearly anithing can happen. and speaking of hella freaking weird people, go buy a runaway bride doll. not quite your cup of tea, eh? am looking for something less funny and more educational? then go view this doll giving birth and prepare to gouge your eyes out afterwards (click the 'view as slideshow' option on the top right).

hehe!

* amazon.com sure has a sense of humor! check out the suggested items section. :) * the runaway bride now has a new nickname: crazy eyed bitch. * a fire truck catches fire! * pam anderson discriminates against monkeys. * ashlee simpson kills kids.

best policy

christ almighty. on sunday at db i was paired to row wit al2. the last time i had to row wit her, i did, but also told phil that i'd not row wit her again. so maybe he remembered or had vague impressions of wat i had said but he asked this time if it would be okay. i slightly shook my head no. i think she was somewhere to my back right. not close, but not far, not at all. and others were around to our back. at any rate. i shook my head no. not obviously but wit him looking right damn at me i'd say noticible at least. he didn't get it. asked a few more times. i kept subtly shaking my head no and mouthing the damn word. this went on for a minute or two. he apoligized for being tired or not sleeping well or something. anyway, he said okay (that we were rowing together) and turned away. a little later i got him alone and told him to switch me, if possible. (if not possible? i'd probably have went home. had things to do anyway. it being mother's day and all) so he did. she rowed alone.

yesterday, monday, she imed reep at work and asked why i didn't want to row wit her. he asked me wat to tell her. i said tell her anything. the truth, i don't care. i don't kno wat he said. anyway. he asked if i thought this was a little immature. and quite frankly, yes, i do. it's immature to expect that i like every damn person i meet. at first meet i am neutral. one then gives me reasons to either like or dislike you. and wat reasons, exactly, has she given me to like her? none. but i do have reasons against her, even if mainly through association. so why then is she so surprised that i don't care for her? it's also damn immature that instead of asking me why i don't want to row wit her, she have to ask my boyfriend. also juvenile is needing to constantly ask him, instead of me. it's not like they've not been thru this before. she already knows why i don't like her. so why ask again? and if one don't care enough to remember, then why care at all? and if one does care so much, then why not 1) remember the reasons as they are quite few and 2) change yourself cause obviously my opinion of you matters so much. and this brings up another point, why does it matter that i don't liker her? i'm one f*cking person. you think everyone likes you? honey, 1) you're not that pretty and 2) you're not that rich. and while even that may have improved your chances at global adoration, you'd make more enemies that way too. it's sheer idiocy that a person can expect everyone to like them. so why make this into a big deal? accept it and move on. i am.

ah, you say. i've made a few logical mistakes here. if it's so immature that she ask reep why i don't like her than isn't it equally immature that i'm bitching on my site about her? cause my dear, i'm not. i'm bitching about reepal's false judgement on me being immature. wat's more. the situations are different. and if i were to care that she didn't like me (which, of course, i wouldn't) i'd not pester reep a million times over why that was. i'd just stay out of her hair. which, i'd love for her to do for me. 2) aren't i making a big deal out of this? not wanting to row wit her? it's just one sunday, as reep pointed out. again, you are wrong. it was just one sunday. this would have made yet another. furthermore it could have spawned many sundays after this. competitions even. i said last time it would be my last. and damnit, i meant it. it was about to happen again, so i was trying to put an end to it. unfortunately, phil was a bit slow that morning and wat could have been a very simple partner change became a dragged out social faux pas. and wat's more. she lags as a rower. she was right behind the strokers and she was phasing slow. i was checking her cause i couldn't see the strokers and she was to my diagonal. but behind her was gary. and they were off from each other. i checked jeff, gary's partner, who was matching gary. i checked jen who was al2's stroker and jeff was in time wit her. and i've rowed enough times wit lilly to kno that she wouldn't lag as a stoker. also, her and jen row together all the time, and they would not be off from each other. anyway.

a few years ago i found out that al didn't like me either. altho she constantly pretended to. she gave me candy grams and once left balloons on my doorstep for my bday. it was a total sham. and it pissed me off royally that, for no good reason, one could be so fake. who is this pretending for anyway? you? so you can feel good about yourself? that's silly. no one expects you to like everyone. and little tokens of your false love for me doesn't make you like me. not does it make you a better person. wat would be more appropriate is perhaps talking to me about your feelings. or, since there was no reason we'd ever need to interact, just ignore the whole thing. wit al2 i am never rude. i ignore her and refuse to row wit her but i don't scorn her in public. if we had to talk, i would, politely, no less. but i am never rude. so then could this pretending be for me? cause i sure as hell didn't appreciate it. i knew she didn't really like me and all those guestures of 'friendship' were confusing. and quite unnecessary may i add. wat's more, because she kept pretending, i didn't kno to wat extent my relationship wit reep was hurting her. had she just kept her distance i would've figured it out and i would've stepped out ealier or maybe even for good. so forget all this stupid pretending to like each other sh*t. if you really care that much about a person not liking you (or you not liking them), confront them about it. just get it all out. it's so much better to just kno where your at. seriously, i'd rather just be honest.

'i can't stand the sight of you' 'i can't stand all the things you do' /  'what do you try to justify?' / 'i look at you, all i see, is a man too afraid to really be' / 'you try so hard to be wanted' 'false emotions tells you fronted' / 'i feel being a person relies on one thing: be yourself, let you come through' / 'you're too afraid to really be someone who isn't false, who doesn’t care to be fake'

wat is...?

what is stephanie? (among other things...)

Stephanie is brilliantly gorgeous.
Stephanie is unequivocally in the top echelon of most attractive women in the.
Stephanie is so afraid of germs.
Stephanie is a professional bounty-hunter.
Stephanie is using the skills he taught her to hunt him.
Stephanie is on the case.
Stephanie is a happy little girl whose favorite part of first grade is art class.
Stephanie is an original heroine.
Stephanie is a hotel with charm.
Stephanie is a woman who says what she means and means what she.
Stephanie is also able to produce her own sounds.
Stephanie is found in a Dumpster with a knife in her back.
Stephanie is soooooo over.
Stephanie is the main character.
Stephanie is one of the few.
Stephanie is remarkably normal-looking for an HPL High student.
Stephanie is not just a smiling face who hands us our classroom text.
Stephanie is always getting her car blown up.
Stephanie is an accident/disaster waiting to happen.
Stephanie is "a double-edged sword" of.
Stephanie is retarded...

 

Reepal is?

Reepal is COOL.
Reepal is alive.

 

well huh... it obvioulsy lies. reepal is alive? then was am i doing wit him? i'm so obvioulsy into necrophelia... isn't everyone? well anyway, you go try 'wat is?'

rabindranath tagore

Let life be beautiful like summer flowers and death like autumn leaves.

By plucking her petals you do not gather the beauty of the flower.

The echo mocks her origin to prove she is the original.

Toes are fingers that have forsaken their past.

Praise shames me, for I secretly beg for it.

cast list

if in two consecutive relationships 'the other woman' has made more than just one or two guest appearances and practically stars, can you really blame your partner? esp when these two relationships are the only ones you've ever had. you tell me that i worry needlessly. but you do not inspire confidence in me. and btw? i think that just cause i can see us breaking up that doesn't make me a negative person. i can see us staying together too, you kno. ...i hate how people do that, btw, mislable realism for negatism. it's not the same thing. not at all! bleh.

favorite song ever

third eye blind - how's it gonna be?



I’m only pretty sure

That I can’t take anymore

Before you take a swing

I wonder what are we fighting for?

When I say out loud

‘I wanna get out of this’

I wonder is there if there’s anything I’m gonna miss

I wonder how’s it gonna be when you don’t know me

How’s it gonna be when you’re sure I’m not there

How’s it gonna be when there’s no one there to talk to

Between you and me

‘cause I don’t care

How’s it gonna be

How’s it gonna be

Where we used to laugh there’s a shouting match

Sharp as a thumbnail scratch

A silence I can’t ignore like the hammock by the doorway

We spent time in

swings empty

I don’t see lightening like last fall

When it’s always about to hit me

I wonder how’s it gonna be when it goes down

How’s it gonna be when you’re not around

How’s it gonna be when you’ve found out there was nothing between you and me

‘cause I don’t care

How’s it gonna be

And how’s it gonna be when you don’t know me anymore

And how’s it gonna be

Wanna get myself back in again.

The soft dive of oblivion.

I wanna taste the salt of your skin

The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion

How’s it gonna be when you don’t know me anymore

How’s it gonna be

How’s it gonna be

How’s it gonna be?

i believe

i wonder why msn doesn't show this kind of commerical here in america?: clip one, clip two, and the less funny clip three and clip four. in other news, wacko jacko is homeless because appt molesting children is an expensive businness. and proof that i am god? natalie portman shaved her head. so how does this prove him god? cause like everytime i come up wit some idea the whole damn world follows it. years ago when i was in taiwan i bought a long denim skirt. come back to the us and within a month the new trend was long denim skirts. i used to say 'don't pee on my parade' and drew barrymore stole the effing saying and was quoted saying it in a magazine a few months later. my prom dress was pink and suddenly the new it color was pink. last fall i suddenly got into the color purple and the color of the next season was purple! and then i was thinking about shaving my head and natalie portman beats me to the punch! i'm king of the world i tell you, king of the world!!!

them animals

there are many jobs i could never take. but a few of those that are more 'respectable' include optimologist, gynocologist, pedologist, and dentist. why? well, cause 1) i don't like touching people and 2) all the 'parts' i'd have to look at associated wit those jobs are not fun to look at. (yeahyeah you stupid horney people. 'i'd love to be a gynocologist!' you say. well no. just think. many of those things you'll be looking at will diseased. yes, that's right. diseased and crawling wit crabs. ha. bet you still wanna be one now eh? and how come we've come this far and there's still been no link?) so! speaking of dentistry. a little more fun than human mouths are animals mouths! and rather surprisingsly, snails are quite fast. and is your dog gay enough to get into the party? btw. mine isn't. i just can't seem to figure out where the boa goes in stage two. :(

for sale

well well, it's been a long time that i've posted anything from ebay so witout much further ado, login to ebay and win a date wit carmen electra! ...yeah, i'd rather win a date wit tad hamilton too, at least that was free. also for sale on ebay is a painting of mr muscle: jesus christ... but it's not just ebay selling stuff, appt some radio station was selling britney spears's pregnancy test. yep. it sold too, for $5001. even crazier is that the same casino who bought that alleged test also paid some woman $15,100 to name her kid goldenpalace.com. but maybe you're not crazy like these people. or maybe you're just plain poor. then head on over to google and dl this web accelerator (btw, i didn't try it, so maybe it's no good. but go try it!)

contemplations

a friend of mine has been hermitizing herself lately. i wonder if that's not the smart thing to do... they say that if you never care for anyone, you can never get hurt. the first part alone sounds very... alone. but the rest... 'you can never get hurt.' how incredible would that be? another friend of mine used to complain that the honeymoon stage was over in her relationship of over a year. and while i sympathized, i didn't. i mean come on, it's been over a year. but... it's true... it does suck. you think back on the things s/he used to do. and wonder why it stopped. you kno, half the time i don't even kno where he is anymore. and yeah, i'm not his mom. but... i'd still like to kno. my dad was in a car accident wednesday. it was pretty serious. he wasn't hurt badly. but the car was pretty much totalled. i knew it was bad, but then i saw the pictures on saturday and my breath was taken away. ...on tuesday i freaked out a couple times when i didn't kno where reep was after he told me that he'd be going home (twice in a single day). he never came online and i thought maybe something had happened to him. it turns out i was worrying about the wrong person. and so now whenever someone tells me they're going somewhere i tell them to drive safe. but anyway... i had called him several times. and he hadn't called back. the second time that day he 'disapeared' and 'came back' i was kind of pissed at him. i mean, you knew i was freaking out ealier for you not picking up your phone and not coming online and not being home and you did it again. it made me wonder tho. about how much he regards me. this week has been kind of hard on me. there's a lot of things going on. and while nothing is really bad i just... it's the little things that add up.  i kno i can go to my friends. but sometimes you want that one person to comfort you. and well, i don't kno where he is. not even now. i feel like... he doesn't call me till i call him. he doesn't call me when i ask (twice in a day, another day). he doesn't do many of the things he used to. and yeah... it's been nearly 5 years, can you believe it? if not for that i knew i was true, i'd tell you it was impossible. but hey, it isn't. was watching 'grey's anatomy' tonight: 'maybe we like the pain. maybe that's the way we're wired. it's like that saying: why do i keep banging my head against that well? cause it feels so good when i stop.' when do you think i'll be stopping? another five years? i can see it. sooner than that? i can see that too.

'i know that you're true to me' 'you say you care' 'i know that you want to be mine' / 'i don't understand; it's always me that's reaching out ' 'and i've always dreamed that love would be effortless' /  'where is your heart?' ''cause i don't really feel you' / 'what i really want is to believe you' / 'is it so hard to give me what i need?' 'could you try?'

agha shahid ali - stationary

The moon did not become the sun.

It just fell on the desert

in great sheets, reams

of silver handmade by you.

The night is your cottage industry now,

the day is your brisk emporium.

The world is full of paper.

 

Write to me.

it's my duty!

aight. so i'm a bit short on time tonight. got an essay yet to finish and have to study for a midterm romrow too. but, wouldn't you kno, even all that isn't about to make me dessert my fans. speaking of fans... i don't like katie holmes much, i think she's useless, but even so, i'm not sure she deserves to be beat up by tom. so yesterday i was on the bus and i saw this dude (teacher maybe?) ride by on a segway. it was cool. i've never seen anyone actually using one to get around, altho i do kno someone who has one. but anyway, now they got segway wheelchairs too. wat's next segway cars? and the next time you reach in to get your cereal box toy, watch out!

uh huh...

well well, paris hilton is looking weirder than ever these days, as if one would have even thought that possible. no one, however, looks as weird as this girl acts in this really disgusting clip. and, to not be sexist, here's some weird japanese commerical stuff brad pitt did. but so that you don't lose all faith in humanity, check out this cool cg short film. very well done. looks like an old school black and white film from when i was a child. yes... it's sad but true. i was once a yougin just like you. amazing isn't it? well anyway, i'm tired, this old hag gots to get off to bed.

postsecret

new postsecret

thomas hardy - faintheart in a railway train

At nine in the morning there passed a church

At then there passed me by the sea,

At twelve a town of smoke and smirch,

At two a forest of oak and birch,

And then, on a platform she:

 

A radiant stranger, who saw not me.

I said, 'Get out to her do I dare?'

But I kept my seat in my search for a plea,

And the wheels moved on. O could it but be

That I had alighted there!

amazing!

those crazy scientist can do everything these days. they're planning cars that can't crash. they can even make bacteria "think". even more impressive however, is that the blind play computer games, fpses at that. wat tops the list of incredible feats, however, is the story of jack osborn. that crazy kid beat out a veteran kick boxer, and no, not at a game of poker. and in the damn near saddest story ever, a woman sold own child for vodka... crazy biatch. oh and btw? scientics say everyone can read minds. hm... let me see... i can see... ah... oh! you think i'm the most prettiest and smartest and bestest person ever! thanks kid. :)

sadist

they talk a lot more often than i kno about. which, while i'm not okay wit, i am okay with. i'm the type who is okay with not knowing things. you tell me half a secret and refuse to tell me the rest? i won't press. you tell me you're okay when you're obviously not? i can wait. even when i really want to kno. i don't have to. if it's something that bothers me i will throw myself into running away. sometimes at dragon boating i will push so hard that i black out. till all i can hear is my own ragged breathing and my heart thudding away in my head. at home i will do so many pushups my arms quake. and then i do some more. until i can no longer raise myself. i ran a few times years ago. when i was sad. i ran till i threw up. then i'd run again back home. i used to drive too. drive as fast as i dared. but i was always too scared of getting a ticket (how much would the fine be at 135mph anyway? it's the fastest i've gone for more than just a few seconds). i'm sure there is a smarter way to vent. running away doesn't solve anything. nothing at all. besides, there is no purge to that process. only binge.

'jealousy' 'i just can’t look its killing me and taking control' 'how did it end up like this' 'and my stomach is sick and it’s all in my head' 'but it’s just the price i pay' / 'open up my eager eyes' 'because i want it all' / 'now, let me go'

bernhard schlink - the reader

"But love of our parents is the only love for which we are not responsible." (p170)

"There's no need to talk, because the truth of what one says lies in what one does." (174)

"...when no one understnads you, then no one can call you to account." (198)

"The tectonic layers of our lives rest so tightly one on top of the other that we always come up against ealier events in later ones, not as matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, bt absolutely present and alive." (217)

yay may!

May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month, National Correct Posture Month, National Egg Month, National Good Car Keeping Month, and National Revise Your Work Schedule Month

May 1 is...Mother Goose Day

May 2 is...Sibling Appreciation Day

May 3 is...Do Dah Day

May 4 is...National Weather Observer's Day

May 5 is...Totally Chipotle Day

May 6 is...National School Nurse Day

May 8 is...No Socks Day

May 10 is Trust Your Intuition Day

May 11 is...Eat What You Want Day

May 12 is...Limerick Day: 12

May 14 is...National Receptionists Day

May 16 is...Biographer's Day

May 17 is...Armed Forces Day: 17

May 18 is...Visit Your Relatives Day

May 21 is...I Need A Patch For That Day

May 23 is...Morning Radio Wise Guy Day

May 26 is...Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

May 28 is...Great American Grump Out Day

May 30 is...Hug Your Cat Day

May 31 is...What You Think Upon Grows Day

and all those 'missing' days in between? those are praise stephanie day, gift stephanie day, thank stephanie for existing day... i think you get the point. :)

don't try this at home

many of us live vicariously thru others. we can watch them do many of the very same things we'd like to do: dude punches saddam. and from the idiocy of others, we can also learn lessons on wat not do do, altho this brooklyn guy just won't learn his. and from yet others, we learn that life simply isn't fair: ex-hermaphadite sues ex. and just for kicks, check out this unfortunate kid.

support staff

when single people complain about being single. wat are they really complaining about? no cuddling? no shopping buddy? no sex? no date to the movies? no gaurantee of support is my guess. beig in a relationship is supposed to gaurantee you a lifeline of sorts. but let me tell you seomthing buddy. if you decide to not learn how to swim because you've got a life jacket, you're eventual drowning will only be all the more fantastic.

'well you say i'm on the right track' 'you say i'm gonna be something some day' 'it sounds so easy, the way you please me' / 'i'm counting on you'

rabindranath tagore

Men are cruel, but Man is kind.

Man is worse than an animal when he is an animal.

Man barricades against himself.

We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us.