contemplations

a friend of mine has been hermitizing herself lately. i wonder if that's not the smart thing to do... they say that if you never care for anyone, you can never get hurt. the first part alone sounds very... alone. but the rest... 'you can never get hurt.' how incredible would that be? another friend of mine used to complain that the honeymoon stage was over in her relationship of over a year. and while i sympathized, i didn't. i mean come on, it's been over a year. but... it's true... it does suck. you think back on the things s/he used to do. and wonder why it stopped. you kno, half the time i don't even kno where he is anymore. and yeah, i'm not his mom. but... i'd still like to kno. my dad was in a car accident wednesday. it was pretty serious. he wasn't hurt badly. but the car was pretty much totalled. i knew it was bad, but then i saw the pictures on saturday and my breath was taken away. ...on tuesday i freaked out a couple times when i didn't kno where reep was after he told me that he'd be going home (twice in a single day). he never came online and i thought maybe something had happened to him. it turns out i was worrying about the wrong person. and so now whenever someone tells me they're going somewhere i tell them to drive safe. but anyway... i had called him several times. and he hadn't called back. the second time that day he 'disapeared' and 'came back' i was kind of pissed at him. i mean, you knew i was freaking out ealier for you not picking up your phone and not coming online and not being home and you did it again. it made me wonder tho. about how much he regards me. this week has been kind of hard on me. there's a lot of things going on. and while nothing is really bad i just... it's the little things that add up.  i kno i can go to my friends. but sometimes you want that one person to comfort you. and well, i don't kno where he is. not even now. i feel like... he doesn't call me till i call him. he doesn't call me when i ask (twice in a day, another day). he doesn't do many of the things he used to. and yeah... it's been nearly 5 years, can you believe it? if not for that i knew i was true, i'd tell you it was impossible. but hey, it isn't. was watching 'grey's anatomy' tonight: 'maybe we like the pain. maybe that's the way we're wired. it's like that saying: why do i keep banging my head against that well? cause it feels so good when i stop.' when do you think i'll be stopping? another five years? i can see it. sooner than that? i can see that too.

'i know that you're true to me' 'you say you care' 'i know that you want to be mine' / 'i don't understand; it's always me that's reaching out ' 'and i've always dreamed that love would be effortless' /  'where is your heart?' ''cause i don't really feel you' / 'what i really want is to believe you' / 'is it so hard to give me what i need?' 'could you try?'