depressions

sometimes i get so horribly depressed. not that i'd want to kill myself, altho the thought did cross my mind sunday night after he hung up on me. was thinking that (coincidentally i brought a bottle of tylenol to school for the muscle aches i had from db) if i downed the whole bottle that night no one would find me until tuesday morning. but if i thought it out well enough, yuko might not even realize i was dead until tuesday night. reep might get worried. but i would call him first and tell him that i needed some time to be alone and didn't want to talk to him until sometime later in the week. it would work. but a bottle of pills is so not how i want to kill myself. i heard it hurts a lot and i kno it usually doesn't work. i've always wanted to jump out or off of something high. i would love to fly. of course, if i jump out of something it would be falling. but that's the next closest thing to flying, right? but i've also wanted to do it out of my car, so i guess this little fantasy of mine will just have to wait at least until this weekend.

back to my depression. it doesn't make me want to kill myself. i am not unhappy wit life or wit myself. i like rather myself actually. which, at first read may sound self centered. but really, it's just healthy. i don't think i'm perfect (i kno i'm perfect, lol). i kno my weaknesses and i also kno my strengths. but i am my favorite companion. and i never tire of my own company. no. my depression is more brought on by others. of course i am also the one who chooses to surround myself wit those same people who depress me. so obviously i'm not infallible. but because i become depressed from my interactions wit others sometimes i very badly want to escape them. the postsecret secret that always gets to me is this one. i find it incredible that someone could have pulled this off. this is another fantasy that i have. going away and starting over. making no real connections to anyone. because it is these relationships that get me down. the burden of relationships is so heavy. wat you owe them. wat you must do or say. you can't ever fully just be yourself around the people that you are closest to. because you don't want to hurt them. so you simply suppress yourself. it seems to follow that it should then be easiest to be the closest approximation to yourself wit strangers (btw, it doesn't follow. it is equally difficult to be yourself around them because we are so multifaceted). in my case, however, this isn't true because i act out. i don't care much wat strangers think. so i take out things which should be directed at perhaps those closest to me onto them. and yeah, i kno. this isn't good. but i've always felt that there are too many people to keep happy. so all you should focus on is yourself and those who are closest to your heart. strangers, therefore, are inconsequential. of course, wit the way cycles work... those closest to you are repelled at the way you treat strangers. see? can't keep anyone happy. i suppose if you're a simple person wit not a whole lot of complicated emotions and/or thinkage, then it would be easier to please everyone. but i am no such person. they say ignorance is bliss. but only if you're stupid enough to be blissful wit that ignorance. i, personally, would not be that happy being ignorant. yes, sometimes i choose to be left in the dark. and i would find myself unhappy either way. but i think that sometimes it's just easier and less hurtful to kno.

i think i've come up a solution. altho i'm not quite sure i'm strong enough to carry it out. we'll see. i need to do a little more research. then imma see how the idea sits wit me in a few weeks more. suffice it to say however, that if i go thru wit it, major changes will be afoot.

'i’m so insecure and i gotta get away cause your making me weak' / 'a charade we play time after time; it’s keeping me trapped' / 'over and over: it’s the way it is' 'i’m losing my mind' / 'i gotta be a fool sitting here tryin' to get that old thing back' / 'it's like i hate to love you' / 'no i don' t wanna hear it no more' / 'can it be over?'