(in)significance

was thinking tonight. is the first love necessarily the best? people ask: who was your first love? but that question puts undeserved emphasis on first, implying importance. but for me, my second love has been my best. my first was... inconclusive and rather ineffectual (probably because i didn't really share it wit him). insignificant really, if not for that it was my first. but who cares wat number it was, or wat number you're on. it should only matter which was the best. and why, if you're not still in it, you're not. and yet, i suppose because of the overbearing influence of society, even i feel as tho perhaps i cannot fully bond wit reepal, because we don't share that first love. silly, isn't it? esp as since reep has said that he's loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. maybe it's a bit like not having siblings. while i don't want a sister or brother, i do wonder wat it would be like. not because i'm lonely or anything, i just wonder. wat that would feel like. how i would feel about them. but i don't kno. and i won't. and it doesn't bother me really. i don't feel as if i'm missing anything. but i still wonder. and i guess that's wat this is. i don't have a world-altering first love. it wasn't the kind of love that starts wars or stars in movies even. it was just this small passing thing. a single kitten of a whole litter, born and quickly thereafter ran over by a car. lying in the street unnoticed for days... ...that's a hell of an analogy. but anyway. the world and it's contents are spinning. i think i'm getting sick. so, back to this first love, wat makes it so great anyway? why does the lack of it wit reepal make me feel somewhat dispossesed by/of him? it reminds me of that childhood saying: first the worst, second the best... numbers really are just numbers. and significance is wat you make of it. each new lover, significant other, that you take on, is a chance for you to deligate how significant you want to make of it all: the lover himself and love itveryself.

'everything i did before you, wasn't worth my while; it should've been you all the time' / 'all i wanna do, all i wanna feel, all i wanna be is close to you. all i wanna do, is love you' / 'irreplaceable, love, love, in my life' 'the irreplaceable, love, love, of my life'