best policy

christ almighty. on sunday at db i was paired to row wit al2. the last time i had to row wit her, i did, but also told phil that i'd not row wit her again. so maybe he remembered or had vague impressions of wat i had said but he asked this time if it would be okay. i slightly shook my head no. i think she was somewhere to my back right. not close, but not far, not at all. and others were around to our back. at any rate. i shook my head no. not obviously but wit him looking right damn at me i'd say noticible at least. he didn't get it. asked a few more times. i kept subtly shaking my head no and mouthing the damn word. this went on for a minute or two. he apoligized for being tired or not sleeping well or something. anyway, he said okay (that we were rowing together) and turned away. a little later i got him alone and told him to switch me, if possible. (if not possible? i'd probably have went home. had things to do anyway. it being mother's day and all) so he did. she rowed alone.

yesterday, monday, she imed reep at work and asked why i didn't want to row wit her. he asked me wat to tell her. i said tell her anything. the truth, i don't care. i don't kno wat he said. anyway. he asked if i thought this was a little immature. and quite frankly, yes, i do. it's immature to expect that i like every damn person i meet. at first meet i am neutral. one then gives me reasons to either like or dislike you. and wat reasons, exactly, has she given me to like her? none. but i do have reasons against her, even if mainly through association. so why then is she so surprised that i don't care for her? it's also damn immature that instead of asking me why i don't want to row wit her, she have to ask my boyfriend. also juvenile is needing to constantly ask him, instead of me. it's not like they've not been thru this before. she already knows why i don't like her. so why ask again? and if one don't care enough to remember, then why care at all? and if one does care so much, then why not 1) remember the reasons as they are quite few and 2) change yourself cause obviously my opinion of you matters so much. and this brings up another point, why does it matter that i don't liker her? i'm one f*cking person. you think everyone likes you? honey, 1) you're not that pretty and 2) you're not that rich. and while even that may have improved your chances at global adoration, you'd make more enemies that way too. it's sheer idiocy that a person can expect everyone to like them. so why make this into a big deal? accept it and move on. i am.

ah, you say. i've made a few logical mistakes here. if it's so immature that she ask reep why i don't like her than isn't it equally immature that i'm bitching on my site about her? cause my dear, i'm not. i'm bitching about reepal's false judgement on me being immature. wat's more. the situations are different. and if i were to care that she didn't like me (which, of course, i wouldn't) i'd not pester reep a million times over why that was. i'd just stay out of her hair. which, i'd love for her to do for me. 2) aren't i making a big deal out of this? not wanting to row wit her? it's just one sunday, as reep pointed out. again, you are wrong. it was just one sunday. this would have made yet another. furthermore it could have spawned many sundays after this. competitions even. i said last time it would be my last. and damnit, i meant it. it was about to happen again, so i was trying to put an end to it. unfortunately, phil was a bit slow that morning and wat could have been a very simple partner change became a dragged out social faux pas. and wat's more. she lags as a rower. she was right behind the strokers and she was phasing slow. i was checking her cause i couldn't see the strokers and she was to my diagonal. but behind her was gary. and they were off from each other. i checked jeff, gary's partner, who was matching gary. i checked jen who was al2's stroker and jeff was in time wit her. and i've rowed enough times wit lilly to kno that she wouldn't lag as a stoker. also, her and jen row together all the time, and they would not be off from each other. anyway.

a few years ago i found out that al didn't like me either. altho she constantly pretended to. she gave me candy grams and once left balloons on my doorstep for my bday. it was a total sham. and it pissed me off royally that, for no good reason, one could be so fake. who is this pretending for anyway? you? so you can feel good about yourself? that's silly. no one expects you to like everyone. and little tokens of your false love for me doesn't make you like me. not does it make you a better person. wat would be more appropriate is perhaps talking to me about your feelings. or, since there was no reason we'd ever need to interact, just ignore the whole thing. wit al2 i am never rude. i ignore her and refuse to row wit her but i don't scorn her in public. if we had to talk, i would, politely, no less. but i am never rude. so then could this pretending be for me? cause i sure as hell didn't appreciate it. i knew she didn't really like me and all those guestures of 'friendship' were confusing. and quite unnecessary may i add. wat's more, because she kept pretending, i didn't kno to wat extent my relationship wit reep was hurting her. had she just kept her distance i would've figured it out and i would've stepped out ealier or maybe even for good. so forget all this stupid pretending to like each other sh*t. if you really care that much about a person not liking you (or you not liking them), confront them about it. just get it all out. it's so much better to just kno where your at. seriously, i'd rather just be honest.

'i can't stand the sight of you' 'i can't stand all the things you do' /  'what do you try to justify?' / 'i look at you, all i see, is a man too afraid to really be' / 'you try so hard to be wanted' 'false emotions tells you fronted' / 'i feel being a person relies on one thing: be yourself, let you come through' / 'you're too afraid to really be someone who isn't false, who doesn’t care to be fake'