the other shoe

things are really good. i wonder sometimes how much is him, and how much is us. but i also wonder (because i'm me) of when things won't be good. i wouldn't say that i'm looking forward to our first fight, but i am definitely curious how it'll go. when, of course, and what it'll be about. what it'll reveal about us individually, and us together. his ex said he had anger issues. i haven't seen any of that. possibly not yet, anyway. he says that he gets loud when he gets mad. but besides that, he needs his space. i'm like that too, with the space. not so much with the volume, tho i have certainly yelled back before...

i do believe that certain personality traits can be amplified in the presence of others. i don't think we have that tho. we seem to be alike where we should be, and different where we should be also. that's not to say that we're perfect for each other! i mean, honestly, we don't know each other that well yet. we haven't particularly been tested yet. well, the whole thing with his ex was definitely a test for me. i can't say that i loved the way he handled it but then, i might've done it that way too. ...not the "warning text" that's for sure, but possibly the stuff afterwards. anyway, that was a while ago. i marvel sometimes how quickly the 6 months have passed. i sometimes feel like i've known him for longer. i guess that's what happens when you see each other as often as we do? also, i'm getting older, and time seems to speed up faster and faster as you age. which is so unfair, lol.

anyway, no real point to this post, only to say that i wonder when we'll fight. and if only because i feel like you can get to really know someone when they're angry. you're on your best behavior for much of the beginning, but when you're mad, it's so easy to let that facade go. so, how far will it go?

change

change will lead to insight far more often than insight will lead to change - Milton H. Erickson

I've had this quotation written on my mirror for a few months now and, jeebus, its truth strikes me even now. in thinking back on all the life changes in the last couple years... i can't believe how much I've learned about myself and about others, not just those I'm close to, but about people in general.

and to think how often we are scared of change!

what happened to Monday?

what happened to monday?

oy. such interesting questions this movie brings up!
1. what will happen when the world runs out of resources to support our human population? what lengths should we go to prevent that (or should we at all)?
2. is the collective survival of our species more important than an individual's survival? how about many individuals?
3. is there a right to life? is there a lesser or greater right to life?
4. how far would you go for your children?
5. at what point do your parents' choices for your life become your own?
and the age old 6. nature vs. nurture?

you down?

Has Prenatal Genetic Testing Gone Too Far?

this article strikes a chord with me because i've actually thought about this fairly recently. rip and i had talked about it before, and we had agreed that we would ask for prenatal genetic testing and would very likely abort should it reveal that our child would have certain mental or physical conditions. i've never wanted to be a parent anyway and decided that i would not want to take on the additional challenges of  raising a child with particular handicaps.

j and i obviously haven't talked about raising kids together. but i've thought about this exact issue because, in fact, his youngest brother has down syndrome. i have no idea if he would want to do prenatal testing, or what he would want to do after knowing the results. i do know that if i only found out after giving birth that my child had certain conditions, i would certainly not shirk the responsibilities of raising it the best i could. and i'm certain i would love it just the same.

let them eat meat

have been thinking about vegetarianism a lot lately. ab is mostly one, al is sometimes one. and both do it for ethical reasons. at cmg back in may, ashley said she became one after many years of knowing about the issues and caring about them, but not quite caring enough. one day tho, it just clicked.

when i was much younger i used to want to become a vegetarian. a fruitarian even, after a flight where the woman next to me got a special fruit only meal. back then i wanted to because it seemed cool somehow. and also because it seemed like an interesting exercise in discipline. i didn't do either tho because i didn't really care to commit and i ate at home where my mom made at least one meat dish every meal, and still later i realized that i LOVE meat. ha.

but starting maybe 10 years ago, i started becoming aware of all the environmental issues concerning eating meat. i always knew about animal rights, but they didn't really bother me much because i felt that 1. humans had evolved to eat meat and 2. nearly all the animals we eat only exist because we domesticated them for food.

recently tho, it's really starting to bother me. even the animals rights stuff. we treat our livestock terribly. really really terribly. and eating large-scale commercially sourced meat is bad for the environment. really really bad.

my parents leave on a month-long vacation later this year. i think i'll try out vegetarianism then. i probably won't be too strict on it, but i'll try much harder than i am right now. currently i'll do non-meat when i remember to, and when i feel like it. to be fair, i usually feel like it, but i very often forget. that's the problem when your convictions aren't too strong, i guess. anyway, why not now? because most of my main meals are prepared for me by my mom or even j. ...i know, i know... but let's save that ethical dilemma for another post, yeah?

ps, while vegetarian, should i come across a restaurant serving roadkill tho i'll probably stuff myself silly. it sounds gross, but here's why.

love is...

the hard thing about love is that everyone defines it differently. m said recently that love to him means wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone. apparently j used to define it the same way. that and never giving up on someone. oy.

love, to me, is completely different. for me, love is the physical feeling. liking someone doesn't have a physical weight to me. loving someone does. i can feel it in my chest. as if the amount or the intensity has made it a tangible thing that takes up space in my body.

i feel like wanting to spend your life with someone, or never wanting to give up on them, can be a consequence of love. but that's not what love actually is. maybe that's why i can so easily say that love doesn't mean very much. because you can certainly love someone and leave them. love someone and hurt them. because love is just a feeling. actions don't necessarily follow.

the other thing about love is that even if you define it the same way, it still might not actually be the same thing. there is no objective scale here. your 9 of 10 might only be my 6 of 10. you'll be disappointed to hear i'm only at a 6 but maybe i have a broader scale or higher hopes. 

how "funny" that i've never asked anyone before what love means to them.