i ---- you

when on my trip last month, i didn't say "i love you" to reepal very much. i didn't notice it, but he certainly did. he informed me after i'd come back and i was shocked (and appalled and embarrassed). more than once i went thru all our text messages trying to prove him wrong. (tho he wasn't wrong enough to matter.) i don't know why i didn't say it, but i did say "i miss you" a lot.

thinking about it recently, i had the thought that "i miss you" says more than "i love you." subconsciously I feel like I already knew this, and i think that's why i'd been saying that instead.

i love you. to me, it's a passive statement. it says nothing more than exactly what it is.

i miss you. there's longing there. there's a wanting. it's certainly more active than I love you. it's physical. I feel a pulling in my chest when I say it and mean it. my missing you implies that I want to be with you, to be close to you, to interact with you.

when away, I was very conscious of an emotional distance I'd been feeling with rip. I'd not said anything to him about it tho, but I think that feeling manifested itself in my verbiage. rip didn't say anything to me about it at the time either, about me not saying "I love you" and I wonder if he noticed that I'd instead been saying "i miss you" kind of a lot. probably not, as I was away and missing him should've been a given. ...as was loving him, tho I couldn't be bothered to express that...

I have a weird relationship with words. I generally take them too seriously. but I also use them too casually, especially curse words. when asked to describe something in a few words I take forever to do so. in fights I can latch onto one of your misspoken words, even though I know you're not as careful as I. so that's probably all this is. but still. I think I might prefer someone expressing that they're missing me, rather than just loving me.

menstual cup - update

i finished my second cycle using the cup and yeah, it was better this time round. not perfect tho. i spent a lot of time stressing about leakage since i still haven't been able to rotate it 360degrees. but, overall, i do like it better. same complaints as before, but at least it's easier to get in now.

interestingly, i feel like my period was somehow shorter this time too, as it was last time. but i think that's cause i was traveling and traveling always screws me up. which makes for two consecutive travel periods so imma probably get real fucked up in December. =/

female privilege

we always hear about male privilege, which totally exists. but you know what else exists too? female privilege. some examples from a random internet article. this author doesn't mention the other really big one that makes me angry: that women aren't required to registered for the military as soon as we turn 18, which means that we'll never get drafted. the other terrible one is #6 and #7 which i'm pretty sure i've mentioned before as being ridiculously unfair.

i don't agree with everything on the list tho. #12? no, people do express surprise that i have feelings. and i don't think #15 is even true. yeah, we do graduate more than men, but i don't know how much of that has to do with being encouraged and supported. and i'm pretty sure that female are NOT favored in school, regardless of age. i know there were numerous studies about how boys were called on more often than girls, and i can't imagine that in the 10 years since learning that things have changed so much girls are now being called on more than boys.

anyway, didn't really want to comment too much on this. just wanted to say that we each have our struggles. everyone deals with discrimination of some sort, and on the flip side, everyone has their privileges also.

menstrual cup

I Spent My Whole Period Using a Menstrual Cup for the First Time, And Here Are All the Gory Details
   and
An Ode Of Hatred To My Diva Cup

after learning about menstrual cups a couple years ago i finally got one. what took so long? i like to stock up on tampons when they go on sale. i still have a fucking hundo of them, in assorted sizes, sheesh. so why finally switch? i was going to china. i didn't feel like bringing a couple dozen tampons and i know they're more difficult to buy in china. (plus, i generally insist on using cardboard applicators, which are harder to buy even in america). so anyway, i got one before i left, looked up how-tos, and even solicited advice from friends i knew who used it (turns out there are a lot).

improperly wearing my diva cup

i didn't actually try the thing out till sf tho. the morning before heading off to the airport, annie pressed up against the frosted glass window of her bathroom and read me directions as i struggled to push a silicone cup up my cooter. annie was the absolute best tho, even offering to come and personally help me, lol. luckily, it didn't come to that.

i practiced it a couple more times before actually starting my period tho i never left it in for long. come period time tho, i finally committed.

the issue i have with the cup is that it's big. i even got the smaller size! (diva cup recommends women over 30 or those who have given vaginal birth to use size 2. i bought size 1 anyway [why? honestly, because i'm asian. and we generally have have smaller coochies, lol]) so you fold the thing then shove it up your vag. which isn't easy. (tip, moisten with water [or whatever] before inserting) then after you get it in, you're supposed to turn it a full 360 degrees, which i still haven't ever managed to do. partly because 1 there just isn't much to hold onto to get a firm enough grip and 2 i'm not used to putting fingers up my snatch.

once in, it feels fine. like a tampon. like nothing. i didn't have any major problems with leakage tho i never did fully rotate the thing. getting it out tho, ugh. did NOT like that. firstly, the cup has who knosw how much liquid, so you have to be careful how you angle it out. second, the thing is open, so like, it feels fucking weird when you take it out. like, really fucking weird and uncomfortable. blegh.

all in all, i'm ready to give it a second go. but i don't think i'll ever feel comfortable taking it out when i'm not able to immediately rinse it off. i wouldn't want to wipe it off then put it back in. it's pretty interesting tho. i've never had such a good look at my menstrual blood. it's actually quite different that i thought. hahaha, which is fucking embarrassing, really, having had a period now for over half my life and not ever really paying attention to it. but i feel like that's in direct correlation to how our society is hush hush about menstruation, except to use it as a put down when women are expressing their emotions.

anyway, final final thoughts. i don't love it so much that i've fully switched over. i think i'll likely alternate between the cup and tampons

2015 china playlist

much smart this year, remembered to bring my mp3 player as well as my phone. both full of music. rip had asked why i keep around my old mp3 player. it's because planes don't always let you use your phone (even when on airplane mode). and, actually, if you do use your phone on the plane, even just to listen to music, sometimes the sound comes out distorted.

short playlist this time. i really only listened to it in shenyang and harbin. in no particular order:


the weeknd - earned it
who is fancy - goodbye
charlie puth ft meghan trainor - marvin gaye
miley cyrus - adore you
shawn mendes - stitches
the temper trap - sweet disposition
the cinematic orchestra - to build a home

wish i had added the temper trap - love lost and the weeknd - the hills!!

harbin cabbie convo

had an interesting convo with my cabbie tonight. I show him the screenshot of my hotel info which includes the name and address in English and Chinese. he looks at it and says "I can't read this." I respond "i can't either!" "you can't read either?!" "nope!" he gives me a look and reads it, confirms the location, and tells me to get in.

we drive a bit in silence. then he asks "what are you, Korean?" "nope, I'm American." "oh, yeah, I didn't think you were ugly enough to be Korean." lol.

we talk a bit. where I was born, how come I know Chinese, what my parents do, how much they make, yadda yadda. I mention that my dad's retired. he asks how old. I him he's about 70. cabbie gives me a look. "I'm 32!" "you don't look it."

he thinks a bit. "you came here alone?" "yup" "aren't you married?" "nope" "why not? you're so old already. don't you want children?" "I don't think I like marriage, and no, I don't like children." he gives me a look. "you Americans have too much freedom. girls should get married and have children. in my generation, you got married and had children. if you didn't have children right away we blamed the woman. she must be sick or something. and the husband would kick her out to find another wife." I knew this, but we've had a fun conversation so far so I'm just being me when I reply "well that's stupid. what if it's not her fault? what if she wants children but *he* can't have them?" he looks at me. "we say that the woman is sick. it's like a chicken who cannot lay eggs. you kill the chicken." I laugh, "but women are not chickens!" he mumbles "it's just an analogy!"

I laugh again "good thing I'm American!" he concurs. we chat a bit more about other things. as I'm getting out of the cab he admonishes me to get married soon, before I'm too old. I laugh.