dear john

probably weird timing to write this. over a year after rip and i broke up, and well into a relationship with j. but ap talking about him so much lately has got me thinking about why we never got together.

obviously, reason number one is that i was with rip for the first like 4 years of knowing john. so of course we never happened. it's weird too, being in a relationship, often you just don't notice other people. even when you do, you sort of automatically think they don't notice you (since you're unavailable) so you don't pick up on any of the signs of them liking you (no matter how obvious). other people see it all, but you're completely blind to it. it's pretty great, actually!

another reason was also the distance. when i was finally single and something finally happened between us, we were both okay to let it go. we still lived on opposite ends of the country so logistically it would've been stupid. i'm sure it helped that it was so many years after the initial spark.

one other thing, besides all the rationalities, is that i think i never really felt that special to him. he loves attention. from anyone. and he didn't set it aside for me (not that he should've). i think ultimately you want to be with someone who makes you feel special. makes you feel like you're the only one in the world to them, for them, with them. i didn't really get that from him. probably because rip was always there in our minds, lol, so there was *always* someone besides the other.

anyway, i hope ap has a much more satisfying conclusion to the john saga, lol!