been having problems with rip again.
last year he went out with his friends. the next day we were talking, and i asked him what they did. "we went to a strip club!" ...i have a problem with that. feminist issues aside, i'm a bit paranoid about him. and no, not because i'm a crazy person, but because we started our relationship with him cheating on me. (and yeah, i know. i'm a complete fucking idiot for staying, but i do see the best in people, and i believe people can change if they really want to. and i'll always believe you when you tell me that you want to change.). anyway, the main issue i had with him going is that he fucking knew i would have a problem with it. but he went anyway. because he didn't think i would break up with him over it. (true story!) which is like... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? you're okay with hurting your girlfriend because she's not going to break up with you over it? wow, you must really love her. and, he didn't tell me in advance. he just went. and he didn't tell me until later (cause we had an extended conversation before he told me. and i had to ask him for him to tell me).
anyway, so i broke up with him. for, like, a couple days. he came over and we talked about it. i said "look. it's strippers or stephanie. make up your mind now." "but what about tom's bachelor party?" he wanted to know. "i likely would've given you a pass but you already used it up, so you don't get another." he said he had to think about it. ... he decided to stay. and after some thinking i felt that it was important for him to be a good friend to tom. so if that was what tom really wanted, then i wouldn't be mad if he went once more.
rip planned tom's bachelor party (he's the best man). it was sunday. they went atv'ing. he texted me during their lunch break about how much fun it was. around 11:45pm that night, i texted him before going to sleep that i missed him, and had hoped he would call but i guess he was still out. he texted back to say they were are ralph's getting alcohol. i wished him well and reminded him to drive safe and sober. he said he would.
i called him the next day at 2pm to wake him up for work. we talked for ~45 minutes about the day before: how was it, did everyone have fun, blahblahblah. i ask him what they did after dinner, expecting him to say "we went to ralphs and got alcohol then went to tom's place and had some drinks". instead he says (and i'm sure you know where this is going) "we went to a strip club!" ..."what?" long story short: tom really wanted to go. "why didn't you tell me before you went?" "oh... i didn't know i was supposed to." i hung up on him.
i'm so mad. i'm so mad that he didn't tell me beforehand. like we agreed. he just... he does this. he does things he knows i don't like and he tells me about them later. matter of fact. he doesn't try to ease me into it (altho he did when he smoked pot for the first time the other week, which i don't have a problem with as long as it isn't habitual). he doesn't remember our agreements. he doesn't try to make me like he feels bad about hurting me. he doesn't give a shit. "well im sorry I forgot to tell you beforehand" he texts later when i text him to say i'm no longer going with him the vegas the next day. "well yea, i dont like telling you things ur not going to Want to hear. So I told you everything else first. U kno i get around to tellin u anyway tho." he gets around to it, he says. and isn't that so thoughtful of him?
i try my best to be an understanding girlfriend. i forgave him for cheating. i stayed wit him after the second time. i stayed even when he wouldn't stop talking to her (even when she was basically sending him mash notes though she was in a relationship with one of his best friends). i stayed even after the thing with the other girl, and after all our fights about his whore of a friend who habitually starts a new relationship when still in one... everything. i even gave him a pass about this bachelor party thing. and he still managed to completely fuck up.
i really didn't think they were going to go. it wasn't planned. and when i texted him near midnight and it was easter sunday (i guess horny men and loose girls never get tired...). and i was hoping that if it was brought up, he would think of me. be considerate of me. i just wanted, for once, for him to be a great boyfriend and say "hey, tom, i already gave you a great bachelor party. i'm tired, and stephanie would have a really big problem with me going, so i'm out. i'll see you later. have fun."
btw, can i just say, he's not even a good best man. he told me that he didn't want to be a best man. he waited for month to get started in planning that bachelor party. i asked him about it, i gave suggestions, i even did a bunch of research on the atv stuff for him. basically, he couldn't give a fuck about being a good best man and doing what tom really wants. really, he couldn't give less than a fuck about me either. he just cares about himself.
i've said this to him before, "i don't know what love even means to you." now i realize that i was wrong, he does love me. he just doesn't care about me.
after all this i don't know what's going to happen. i so constantly feel let down by him and hurt by him. i feel like the biggest idiot. as if i shouldn't expect my boyfriend of 12 years to just love me more than himself.
i want him to try to prove to me that he loves me. he doesn't fight for me, you know. i hang up and he doesn't call back. he doesn't try to convince me that he's sorry. his apologies (as you have seen) are half-assed. he doesn't tell me (i can't remember if he ever did) that he wants to not hurt me, hates hurting me, even if by accident. that he wants me to be happy. wants to make me happy.
i just want to feel like i'm important to him. but maybe it really is too much to ask...
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