closing the door

"weird" thing happened this morning... reep is leaving town again, this time to europe (paris then london then san fransisco)! so i drove him to his friend's place who is taking them to the airport (he's going to paris with a group of tekken guys [one of the reasons i'm not going. it's for a tourney so it's kind of a "business trip"]). anyway! so rip has this weird / bad habit of, when exiting the car to get his luggage from the trunk, leaving the passenger door open even though he's not going to get back into the car. normally it doesn't bother me, but this morning it was just after 7am so it was really cold!

so i called back at him "why didn't you close the door?!" and leaned over to close it myself. but he came back to close it. unfortunately the closing door hit my hand at a bad angle so my wrist was hurt. i wasn't hurt badly but it did hurt really bad, if you know what i mean.

since he was at the trunk (i have a hatchback) i told him what happened and he quickly apologized, took out his luggage, and left to put it in his friend's car. then he joked around or whatever with his friend for the next couple minutes while i stayed in the car massaging my wrist.

at this point i realized that "hey, he doesn't really care if i'm hurt, or even that he was the one who did it." nice, huh? for a boyfriend of 10 years...

the other night i re-watched "walk the line" (the movie with about johnny cash starring joaquin phoenix and reese witherspoon). in the proposal scene he says:

"Now I know I said and done a lot of things... that I hurt you, but I promise I'll never do that again. I only want to take care of you. I will not leave you like that Dutch boy with your finger in the dam."

i hate hearing stuff like "i want to take care of you" and the whole "i'll never hurt you" thing just isn't possible, so i don't like to hear that either. but you know what? i'm really starting to appreciate the sentiment.

i know. i'm crazy. when people say impossible or untrue things for the sake of sentimentality i don't like it. and when people say it to me i call them out on it. (rip no longer says completely untrue things like "i've always liked you" or even "i'll love you forever")

at the same time, i know that he doesn't not care. and i also know that he likely doesn't ever want to hurt me. and still, his rather casual reaction to my injury this morning was not comforting.

i write this mostly because this comes at a weird time. we've been really great the last  while. kind of a long time, really (besides that big fight we had in september). and i had recently started to really feel good about us. i was really going to miss him. i have been missing him. he's been traveling a lot lately and i'm still unemployed so... anyway. this came at a bad time. he's leaving for 2.5 weeks (much longer than usual). and seeing him joke around with his friend after knowing that he had just hurt my wrist (i mean, i sitting right there in the car, crying a little)... he came back and apologized again. and later when i called him at the airport, he was kind enough to remember to ask about it. and honestly, i wasn't hurt badly, not my wrist anyway...