this isn't working. it really isn't. i am always mad. and yeah, i am generally an angry person anway. but ii'm more the type to flare up at strangers and not actual people. well, used to be anyway. these days i am constantly pissed at reepal. i am rude, sarcastic, biting, and just in general an all around asshole. it's terrible. and i hate it. i dunno how to stop tho. i do normally usually think mean thoughts. but have almost always been able to hold them in. these days i just spew it forth. and for a second or two i'm upset wit myself for losing control, but then the anger takes over and i no longer care. about anything. about him. or about us. i just want to hurt somebody. and wouldn't you kno, but since he's there, i hurt him. well, i don't kno if i actually do. but i say mean things. not hateful tho. i have at least that much control. but the only way these days to not just blow my top is to hang up on him. and damnit, i hate hanging up on people. it's rude. i don't kno... the thought of breaking up has crossed my mind more than just a few times this last week. i kno that it isn't wat i want tho. i keep telling myself that i'm just angry. and so i'm lashing out. but... i dunno... i hate this. i really do. and today. he said something. and it just really sucked. i don't even kno how to act around him anymore. if i'm his version of me then i'm faking it. but if i'm actually me, then he thinks i'm faking it. but which is worse? i kno i'm not just angry. but i don't really kno all of wat else. i wish there was some thing like a litmus or ph test (wait, wat is a litmus test?) that told you exactly how you were feeling. like a mood ring that not only said that you were angry but also that you were feeling resentful, hurt, inconsolable, inferior, and watever else... better yet would be if that ring could tell you just how to fix it. i'm okay wit just being angry. i'm used to that. but... throw in everything else, especially inferior and... i'm sad too. i feel like... everything is slipping away. and that i'm being replaced. which, i dunno. he says this feeling isn't justifiied. but... then why do i feel it so strongly?
'it feels like i’ve left with less than i began' 'i only feel you when i’m breathing, so let me die tonight' 'while i call your name out' 'knowing this won?t be the last time that i feel this way' / 'i can?t stand here forever, but it?s too hard to sit down on this ground where you?ve laid your only word' / 'a blinded castle keeps on feeling the strong and silent fight'
No comments:
Post a Comment