obliquely askance

...i am feeling... irrelevant. al has been coming up a lot lately. reep ran into her bro at school and they talked. he then saw someone that looked like her at his school today. i asked him if it were her, would he have talked to her. he said yes. eugene (from jaws hs db) told me that i should be thankful that at least he is truthful. but should i be thankful for wat is to be expected? he also said that he misses her. should i be thankful for this too? that he is truthful? or should i feel hurt (as i do) that it is true at all? reep doesn't understand why. he's bad at that. thinking like others. putting himself in their shoes. ting says that he's naive (but i don't think that's wat she meant). we're all at a loss of words tonight. ting too is hurting: "My heart breaks right now, it feels like its been torn in two not because someone broke it, but because it's hard watching people, people who mean so much to me, go through this and  feel so helpless." she at least can find solace in god. and i? eugene suggested that i take a break for an hour and do something that i love. but i can't. i haven't my car. my heart too, breaks right now. ...eugene says i should ask reep until i get a straight answer. why does he miss her? why does she mean so much to him? why can't he let her go? he thinks that reep knows the answer but won't tell me because it would be too hard. ...i thought i was to be thankful that he was truthful? reep hasd told me many times that if we were to break up we'd not be friends. he says it's because he loves me so much. he also tells me that he wants to be her friend because he used to be. but was i not your friend too? and longer before. longer during. and deeper throughout? i wonder sometimes if this is worth it. al won't go away. and unfortunatly, i can't call up lacuna and erase her. and quite significantly, reep won't/can't let her go. this is all very distressing, disapointing, and depressing. he keeps telling me that he loves me. does he think that loving makes it better? cause no. it only makes it worse. ting asked if this is the 'camel that broke the needle's back'. and no, it won't be. it will be, however, another dent in this battered heat of mine. however, this subject of reep and al this will be that camel (crazy ting, mixing two idioms together...). i'm quite sure of it. i've always wanted very badly for that not to be it. i always wanted to think of myself as stronger and better than that. but i guess i'm not. you kno my biggest regret in life thus far? asking reepal out. my god. everything would have been so much better if that hadn't happened. it's too late tho. i can't take it back. ...i'm very unsettled tonight. my heart is... heavy feeling. and yet. it floats in my chest. its odd contrast forcing me to pay attention. .

'i'm so paranoid; i'm all incased and i can't escape' / 'nobody's perfect but you just can't see' 'my life's a circus that you don't believe' / 'cause if you want you can have everything that i've got' 'cause if you want you can take it all away from me' / 'you're saying something but not coming clean' / 'she's living in her dreams'