s'more s'mores!

ah the holidays. ain't nothing like curling up in a blanket and sitting by the fire toasting s'mores. but if you got too much stuff in front of your fireplace like i do, get a handy dandy s'more maker! aw... i'n't that cute?

for me?

feel like getting me something for christmas? how about a first edition of human bondage by my all-time favorite author somerset maugham? well, for $4000, maybe i'd just you rather get me a freakin bike (...well damn. was gonna put up a link for a ducati at that price but can't find one! sheesh....)

taking a stance

reep said that he cannot be wit someone who wants to drink. i asked if my not actually drinking made any difference. one can only control wat they do, not how they feel. he said no, it doesn't matter. i, however, think it ought. not to mention, i've had this issue before (regarding porn or al) and he did not quite understand, and yet he's doing the same thing. i can't get too angry tho. just the other week i was saying how proud i was of annie cause she stood up for wat she believed in, even tho her pledge sisters could not understand. yet it seems that here i am condemning reepal for breaking up wit me over something he obviously cares very much about. i just wish he didn't have such a strong stance against something i'm okay wit. well anyway... i of all people should be able to understand the way he feels.

'i'm young but i'm wise enough to know that you don't fall in love over night. that's why i thought if i took my time that everything in love would be right. but as soon as i closed my eyes I was sayin' to love ‘goodbye’'

finals sminals...

ah... if only finals were as easy as this case of cops following a trail of donuts to solving a crime. or maybe our teachers could just give us the answers, as this couple actually telling the cops that their pot had been stolen. most students however, feel more like these hitch-hikers who were forced to dig up a coffin. confused before, bewildered during, and even more perplexed afterwards...

kundera was wrong

mood: depressed and exhausted

as you may kno. this weekend has been exhuasting. i am... severely unsteady right now and am unable to do anything. and yet there is so much that needs to be done. ...if anything i just want to curl up and die. just... leave everything and everyone behind. ...i wish i could just stop thinking. stop all these thoughts crashing in my mind and have only nothing. i wish to fill myself wit emptyness. right now i feel that only this will soothe me and take me away from the exhaustion known as life. chang was complaining that she wished she could just feel for someone. i wish the opposite. it is only when you care that you are hurt. and if is only when you care that you are never free. whether from pressure, sadness, disapointment, or loss. maugham said that the "tragedy of love is indifference." and while it maybe be so of love, one can hardly say it is the same of happiness. god save me from the unbearable heaviness of being.

'he that pushes me along, and leaves me so desperate and ravenous, so weak and powerless, promised i would find a little solace and some peace of mind.' so 'little angel, go away, come again some other day; the devil has my ear today, i'll never hear a word you say;' for i am 'tilling my own grave to keep me level,' 'digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren'

fraidy cat

alektorophobia: fear of chickens
bogyphobia: fear of bogeys or the bogeyman
coulrophobia: fear of clowns
dendrophobia: fear of trees
euphobia: fear of hearing good news
frigophobia: fear of cold or cold things
geniophobia: fear of chins
homichlophobia: fear of fog
isopterophobia: fear of termites, insects that eat wood
japanophobia: fear of japanese
kosmikophobia: fear of cosmic phenomenon
lutraphobia: fear of otters
mnemophobia: fear of memories
novercaphobia: fear of your stepmother
ophthalmophobia: fear of being stared at
paraskavedekatriaphobia: fear of friday the 13th
ranidaphobia: fear of frogs
sciophobia: fear of shadows
textophobia: fear of certain fabrics
urophobia: fear of urine or urinating
verbophobia: fear of words
wiccaphobia: fear of witches and witchcraft
xanthophobia: fear of the color yellow or the word yellow
zemmiphobia: fear of the great mole rat

and, finally, there is panophobia, or the fear of everything.

purported support

told reepal tonight to grow up. on one hand, i hate asking him if he's done his hw. i feel like a nag. and really, you're old enough, can't you handle your own damn responsibilities? and yet... he's smart enough that he's always gotten by. and he's lucky enough that he's always just made it. and yet he is living far below his potential (look who's talking...). it makes me sad and angry at the same time. i worry about him. he doesn't sleep much, you kno. and when he does it's so sporadic. either for snatches here and there or for most of the day. they say that these people become diabetic. and he eats so much fast food. which isn't good for him either. and he's so fucking thin! ...he complains that he doesn't like school and that he'd rather spend his time programming. and yet he jeordizes an ealier graduation by not doing well in school. and when he does get the free time, he so often wastes it by watching tv or by doing nothing online. then he complains that he hasn't any free time... he's smart and lucky. but someday those smarts won't be enough. and luck is so something you can't count on... i just... i'm so frustrated... ...it suddenly occurs to me that maybe i'm feeling this way cause i'm feeling neglected? all reepal ever talks about these days is tekken. and he's never home at 10 to talk... ...seriously tho, i kno this isn't true. he was online tonight and he wouldn't start his hw cause he was watching music videos. then he went off to sleep before doing much and i was quite angry. i keep thinking about reepal and where his life is headed... wat his motivations are... he doesn't take care of himself. and i worry about him... wondering if i should treat him like an adult and not care so much? and while that seems supportive of him, it's hardly supportive. it's like that drug commerical where the girl is drowning and her friend just watches on witout doing anything. ...so i guess the real question then is if reepal is drowning?

'hey, what you got to hide?' 'nothing you confess could make me love you less' 'come on and come to me now, let me see you through' 'cause i've seen the dark side too' 'won't let nobody hurt you' / 'when the night falls on you, you don't know what to do'; 'when you're standing at the crossroads and don't know whichpath to choose, let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong, i'll stand by you' 'and when the night falls on you, baby. [when] you're feeling all alone, you won't be on your own'

'take me in, into your darkest hour and i'll never desert you'

jumping the bandwagon

sheesh it's been a long time since i've updated here! as a little background music for the rest of this update, go to this site: the incredible boxman! lol. that's so funny. :) anyway, digging into the meat of things, to mix up a few idioms. tiffany and co. wat's so great about them? i don't kno! it seems that lots of girls are crazy about the stuff and are ecstatic about getting that little blue box. but really, when looking thru their site i don't find much that i really like. esp not from the elsa peretti collection, which is wat most girls on campus are wearing. most notably from the silver open heart or teardrop set. i don't find either of those particularly beautiful. i do like, however, the small tag pendent but for $725 i think i'd rather buy an ipod or two. the only affordable thing i'd want from tiffany's is the stencil heart pendent necklace. but even then, it's nothing that i find exquisitly unique and just have to have. conclusion? tiffany's: hope for or hype full? i think hype. ...boy is reepal a lucky guy to have me as a girlfriend... lol. :)

it's just a game!

reepal is obsessed wit tekken 5. which is fine. but because of this, he's missing school, not doing his hw, failing tests, skipping sleep, wasting money, and not talking to me! outrage! naw. seriously tho... it just bothers me that when i call at 10pm (like i do every single night) he doesn't pick up. or he tells me he's gonna call me back in a mintue then doesn't call for the next hour. he could've called earlier to let me kno that he wasn't gonna be in, how hard is that? it's not that i'm sitting around waiting for him. but to be expecting something and then to be disappointed... and now i find out that he's maybe not gonna do his java project which is due romrow! i mean, i kno that tekken is important to you, but you've been playing every night this last half week, you played almost all this afternoon (and while i was being nice wit saying that we could go if you wanted, i feel like i shouldn't have gone at all. i could've done something productive and it would've made no difference to you anyway. okay. i kno... that's mean. i'm glad i went. and i kno that you're glad i went. but it was so long and boring... i feel like... i was being unselfish in saying we could go and staying thru class witout reminding you and not complaining super much when you were playing. then you go and play on for an uber long three hours. and i kno you'd not want to leave during a win streak. and i didn't want you to lose either, which is why i kept kicking you everytime you got hit wit a combo or lost a round, but still... we were there for a long time), and it'll still be there romrow! for one night you could've just stayed in and done your damn hw. instead you had to go and play that stupid game after you just played for three hours in the afternoon. god. i hope reepal gets his ducks in a row...

guilty as sin

i've been very selfish lately. i'm going home this weekend. and i needn't go to the dreaded hellhole more commonly known as the library cause my rents are going to vegas. so i was looking forward to spending most of the weekend wit reep. but if you've been keeping up wit his website then you kno that tekken 5 is officially out. this weekend, three seperate places close to san diego will have it. but we do not yet kno if any place up here will also have it. (do you kno already where this is going?) therefore, reepal will be going down to san deigo to play. will he stay overnight? it's possible. ... yeah... i was, understandably so, quite sad. i asked reepal to promise me that he would not stay the night in sd. alas, he could not make such a promise. i kept bugging him and got progressively upset (not hysterically so, just... obviously so). and he said quietly: 'baby, you kno i try for you' ...i'm such a bitch... :(

"i've got to be honest i think you know" "i've been unable to put you down" / "i'm still learning things i ought to know by now" / "i need something more to show somehow" "but I hope i can find the words to say: you're a god and i am not and i just thought i'd let you kno"

god hates shrimp

went to thing tonight to discuss the bible and wat it says about homosexuality. i won't bore you wit the details, but kno this: it was held in the other gay and lesbian house and was headed by a gay pastor. yep. learned some interesting stuff tonight (did you kno that in judaism there is no hell?) and am glad i went. came home and was talking to (...should i name him, oh hell, why not?) james about classes next quarter. to let you kno, he is very christian. very. becuase i was still thinking about earlier i asked him wat he thought of homosexuality. 'homos are bad' um... okay. but he thinks this way because he believes that being gay is a choice. so wat if it isn't a choice? wat if they are made that way? 'then i guess it would okay...' yay! there is hope for him yet! tell him that i am planning to take a class on athieism. he tells me that this is trash. that i needn't fill up mind wit this trash. ... this coming from the christ boy who's taking a toaist buddhism class... am supremely pissed off tho. cannot believe that he could be so contradictory. he is, however, taking this buddhism class cause the teacher is easy. but that hardly matters, now does it? if he thinks that athieism is such trash, i'd also quite naturally assume that he thinks other relgions (besides his own) are close. and wtf gave him the authority to deem something as trash? can he prove that his religion is not? he has no more proof than me! and yet he deems my beliefs as trash. bastard... and you kno wat, james? as much as you believe that god hates fags, and as many believe that god hates shrimp, i am damn sure that of those, god hates intolerant, quick-to-judge, insensitive assholes like you. oh. and also, god hates godhatesfags.

creative vomit

mood is annoyed. stupid moods this journal provides only has 16 moods. =\  but really. if you're too stupid or lazy to turn in a poem for your creative lit class, find one at: one hundred million peoms. i'm annoyed cause i put a lot of effort into my stuff and to find one like this, premade... you can come up wit something pretty damned good if you just change a few words here and there. but is that art? i don't object too much to magnetic poetry. you put individual words together. but this... whole lines... it just... minimizes and diminishes real creative art. :(

threadless

i love beautiful things. i love cool looking things. i love graphics. and i love clothes. threadless tshirts has some pretty cool ones. reep said tho that i like all the bloody ones. =\ oh well. they're having a sale. go get one!

el norte

are you super angry or fed up that bush is gonna be president again? well, if so, then go marry a canadian! they are so sympathetic to our plight that they are willing to marry americans to take us away from this country ruled by the idiotic bush! ...anyone gonna take up this offer? (better not be you, reepal!!!)

still waters

asked reepal tonight: 'if we got married, is there anything you'd regret?' he replied that if he thought he'd regret anything we'd not get married. that's fair. wat i really meant, tho, was would he maybe feel bad that he hadn't dated more? he got quiet. for me: reep is my first real relationship. and so i feel like maybe there would have been more to experience. don't get me wrong, i don't want to date other people to see if there is someone better. i just... wonder if things can be done differently. new people do new things, you kno? ...well i dunno. reep and i both started snowboarding together, and went to a concert, and a wrestling match, and, well, any number of things. but i dunno. i feel like. i would wonder, you kno? if maybe i would have learned something new wit someone else. how to cook. or how to fight better. or learn about dinosaurs. or discover a new passion for macrame. ...i dunno. i feel that each relationship is a chance to grow. it's a time to make yourslef into a better person. to make mistakes and learn from them. and yet... this is my first. and while i have made many and learned from all my mistakes, is there still more to learn? could i still perfect myself? of course. i'm perfectly happy, tho, as is. things are really good right now. reep is incredible. seriously just... unbelievable. and i wouldn't trade that for the world. nor would i ever want to. nor would i want to want to. but anyway. i'm getting carried away here. marriage? ...who brought that up?

'to see you when i wake up is a gift i didn't think could be real' / 'to know that you feel the same as i do is a three-fold utopian dream' / '...i smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine' 'you have only... gone... but already i am wasting away' / 'you do something to me that i can't explain' / 'i know i'll see you again whether far or soon but i need you to know, that i care and i miss you'

a day in the life of...

as lovable kermie always says, "it aint easy being green." these days it seems that shrek would agree. but it's not just ogres and frogs having a hard time, it's pigs too. and boy are they getting it rough... and since misery loves company: burned up fire-fighters and bitten up cops. it's just too bad that superdog wasn't around to help out that cop dog tho. but maybe he was too busy trying to find his louis lane...

solitary confinement

romrow is a holiday. i was hoping to get to see reep after work. but then they called and said he needn't go in. so i was really happy there for a second. but his dad wants to take the car in for servicing. so they were gonna rent a car for reep to go to work then take in their corolla. but now... and altho it's better if reep doens't come to irvine, i was hoping he'd come anyway. but he already told his dad about not needing to work. and it is better this way. i can't help that i'm selfish tho... man... was really looking forward to seeing him. esp as how i'm not going home this weekend. and yuko is leaving romrow for home. so i'll be all alone. :( and he went out tonight so i didn't even get to talk to him! sheesh...

'a hundred days had made me older since the last time that i saw your pretty face' / 'but all these miles that separate, they’ve disappeared now when i’m dreaming of your face' / 'i’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind' 'i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time' / 'a thousand lies has made me colder and i don’t think i can look at this the same... but i hope it gets better as we go'

hodgepodge

in somewhat scary news, the earth's magnetic field is fading! if you watched that movie 'the core' then you kno just how scary this can be! ...sure... in stupid news, a man throws himself to the lions! wat's so stupid about that? the zoo people then shot at the lions to make them stop eating the man! he obviously wanted to die, they should've just shot him. in worldly news, the brits think we're stupid! but that's not really news. i knew that too. i mean, come on... college educated people favor kerry over bush. also unsurprisingly, more women than men voted for kerry. keeping in mind the former fact and assuming that college educated means smarter, then one can see that women are smarter. another interesting thing, men voted for bush more than women voted for kerry. thus further proving that men are stupid, cause more men than women are college educated. (link for gender voting stats) and oddly enough. more democrats crossed parties to vote for bush than republicans crossed to vote for kerry. proving wat? that americans are getting stupider! argh... in less argrevating news: the super tacky are new getting getting the okay from clothing manufacturers. ...wat is the world coming to?

momma mia

obviously there are support sites for recovering anorexics or bulimics. but it seems that there are also pro eating disorder sites. ... they are called pro ana and pro mia sites. they are quite easy to find. this one is a pro ana site who's creator is now recovering (thank god): fagile innocence. she has a lot on this site. and you can see that she's really smart and creative and has a lot going for her, and yet... it's really really sad... :'(

mixed signals..

reep says that it seems like i'm always arguing wit him. but can i help it if he's always wrong? lol. seriously tho. i don't argue if i think he's right. wat would be the point? and so i guess it does come down to that i think he's wrong a lot... :( but should i just shut up and let him think the wrong thing? i do feel that i drop a lot of things. like... i won't say anithing. but sometimes i don't. and i guess that bothers him? i don't kno. i'd want someone to voice their opinions to me. esp if they thought i was wrong. that way we can learn from each other and grow. but i guess maybe it seems a bit too often. i dunno... and he was saying about an earlier incident that he was being nice to me. but i don't remember thinking that he was being nice. in fact, i was thinking just the opposite. he said then that i should be thankful that he was being nice. that put me off a bit and i responded that maybe he ought to reevaluate his definition of being nice. he said 'no'. ... mind you, i did not argue wit him this time altho i was seriously disagreeing. anyway. that makes me sad tho: that we think we're being nice but not only do they not noticice but that they think we're being the opposite.i guess that's the way it is often tho. you think you looks stellar. others think you look like shit. that's why people pile on the perfume too. :( it's a sad sad world.

'you think it's crazy to think there's nothing to hide' / 'there's a million suggestions, wit a million intentions' / 'you leave us here with nothing' /'if we only knew the truth about wat really goes on, and wat you say behind closed doors more than just a lie or two' / 'if we only knew the truth about it, maybe we could work our way around it' / 'if we only knew the truth about wat really goes on, maybe all the things i do would make sense just for once'

shackled

found this article online today: love in translation. pretty interesting stuff. esp the stuff on chile. mainly tho. i love the word play. and altho my chinese isn't very good i can't think of anything funny like that for us. ...actually. i don't really kno wat the individual words for marriage means... so maybe it actually means something like 'end of fun' who knows?

divided we stand

went to the bookstore today to get ellison's invisible man. pretty good book so far (besides the prolouge). so i went to the literature section of the bookstore and was unable to find either the book or anything else by him. which was odd... so i went to the comp and looked him up. guess wat section he's in? 'african american literature' ...that's kind of ironic. many of the authors in this category wrote about prejudice, discrimination and segregation. and yet they are once again segregated. maybe tho, some would want this? to be highlighted, so that the customer may more easily see and be left to ponder on their experiences? but really. i would think that most would object to their seperation. wat is it really for anyway?

obliquely askance

...i am feeling... irrelevant. al has been coming up a lot lately. reep ran into her bro at school and they talked. he then saw someone that looked like her at his school today. i asked him if it were her, would he have talked to her. he said yes. eugene (from jaws hs db) told me that i should be thankful that at least he is truthful. but should i be thankful for wat is to be expected? he also said that he misses her. should i be thankful for this too? that he is truthful? or should i feel hurt (as i do) that it is true at all? reep doesn't understand why. he's bad at that. thinking like others. putting himself in their shoes. ting says that he's naive (but i don't think that's wat she meant). we're all at a loss of words tonight. ting too is hurting: "My heart breaks right now, it feels like its been torn in two not because someone broke it, but because it's hard watching people, people who mean so much to me, go through this and  feel so helpless." she at least can find solace in god. and i? eugene suggested that i take a break for an hour and do something that i love. but i can't. i haven't my car. my heart too, breaks right now. ...eugene says i should ask reep until i get a straight answer. why does he miss her? why does she mean so much to him? why can't he let her go? he thinks that reep knows the answer but won't tell me because it would be too hard. ...i thought i was to be thankful that he was truthful? reep hasd told me many times that if we were to break up we'd not be friends. he says it's because he loves me so much. he also tells me that he wants to be her friend because he used to be. but was i not your friend too? and longer before. longer during. and deeper throughout? i wonder sometimes if this is worth it. al won't go away. and unfortunatly, i can't call up lacuna and erase her. and quite significantly, reep won't/can't let her go. this is all very distressing, disapointing, and depressing. he keeps telling me that he loves me. does he think that loving makes it better? cause no. it only makes it worse. ting asked if this is the 'camel that broke the needle's back'. and no, it won't be. it will be, however, another dent in this battered heat of mine. however, this subject of reep and al this will be that camel (crazy ting, mixing two idioms together...). i'm quite sure of it. i've always wanted very badly for that not to be it. i always wanted to think of myself as stronger and better than that. but i guess i'm not. you kno my biggest regret in life thus far? asking reepal out. my god. everything would have been so much better if that hadn't happened. it's too late tho. i can't take it back. ...i'm very unsettled tonight. my heart is... heavy feeling. and yet. it floats in my chest. its odd contrast forcing me to pay attention. .

'i'm so paranoid; i'm all incased and i can't escape' / 'nobody's perfect but you just can't see' 'my life's a circus that you don't believe' / 'cause if you want you can have everything that i've got' 'cause if you want you can take it all away from me' / 'you're saying something but not coming clean' / 'she's living in her dreams'

eternal sunshine

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this weekend. it's a good movie. for those of you who haven't seen it, you should. but anyway. kate's character erases her memory of jim's chracter. he finds out and in revenge erases his memory of her. but during the erasing he starts to remember why he loved her and wants to stop the process. alas, it's too late... was wondering if i'd want to erase my memory of anything. if reep and i broke up, would i erase him? no. but would i erase al? and i think so. even tho there's that saying that goes something like, cheat me once shame on you; cheat me twice shame on me. but then essentially  i'm already shamed on, no? but really. do i think it would happen again? no, i don't. so why do i stress so much then? cause i can't get it out of my mind. but wat if i could? i would. i really would. and it's not to say that all my problems would be cured. and it's not like our relationship would then become perfect. but if i could just get rid of this one thing... this one all-invasive and omnipotent thing... things would be a hell of a lot better. not just for us, but for me. course, i wouldn't go easy. i've never been one to. i'd probably make reep forget something too. i don't kno wat tho. mexico? danny? eh. you kno wat? actually, i think i'd be okay if he forgot nothing. yeah. i'd be okay wit that... wat about you? would you forget?

'you seem the only one' / 'but if love is really love, it can never fail; but fail it does' 'i don’t mind most of the time. but you push me so far inside' 'it’s like i’ve come undone. and i’ve only just become inflatable for you' / 'you’re so pretty... pretty when you’re faithful, when you’re faithful' / 'when i believe in you, the soul can rest'

kaleidoscope

so i don't kno why i haven't posted this yet but in case you were wondering about my living situation and the kaleidoscope house here's a link to us. i'm part of the agent house (in fact, my name plate is neo!!!) and our ha [house advisor] hasn't really done much for our half of the site but enjoy!

amusings

it looks like everyone is getting into the holiday spirt: kalluk meets jack.

no help

so there's a uci undergrad creative writing magazine that's put out every year. the submission deadline is nov 4th. i want to do it. problem is, i don't kno wat i'm going to submit. now, normally i'd just ask reepal to read my stuff and tell me wat he likes. or pull a few out and ask him which he thinks are good. but i've had a few bad experiences wit him and my stuff so i'm hesitent to do so. which sucks. cause, obviously, i'd like to be able to ask him. but anyway. i think for sure i'm gonna submit my squaredance poem that i did in my creative writing class. cause everyone in that class liked it and so did the creative writing team for the cypress mag. i put in a few others that time too but they all really liked that one. so yeah. i think for sure i'll submit that one. i'm also thinking maybe... the literary reference ones? or 'transpire'? yeah i kno. unless you're reepal, you probably don't kno wat i'm refering to. i keep most of my work to mself. except to him. which is rather ironic considering the reception i sometimes get. ::grim laugh:: ::frown::

‘i'm the man in the box’ / ‘feed my eyes now you've sewn them shut’ / ‘won't you come and save me, save me’ ‘he who tries, will be wasted’

 

good god...

i'm tired and have yet another page to update so it's a short one here. did you ever wonder about [the christian] god? how come he's all-powerful and all-benevolent and yet he hasn't gotten rid of all the evil in the world? well, fear not. there is a reason. and a damn good one if you understand it. the website posted here is a good one. it's pretty clear and outlines the major arguments. it also solves the problem of theodicy (basically the problem of evil). it's pretty long tho. and if you're not totally interested in this, skip the soul making stuff (i've always thought it a whack argument anyway. he could've just made us moral): augustine, irenaeus, hick, and madden & hare. i rather like jl mackie's argument and it's a good set up to the 'free will defense' which is generally used to prove that god is consistant cause it's damn good. rowe of course argues against that still (he could've made us good and still wit free will [i agree]). then last is cs lewis. his is really long and not a popular argument so if you're interested, read it for fun. but really. the good ones are makie, rowe and the free will defense. the whole site is good reading tho. if you were to take a phil of religion class you'd go over all these arguments except for maybe lewis (we didn't, and after reading it i can understand why). anyway. damn... this was supposed to be a short update. but if you kno me, you kno how much i love talk about god. the problem of evil. enjoy! and please let me kno wat you think. or if you're confused. i kno a bit of this stuff so we can talk :)

nominated?

so i got this thing in the mail. it's a letter of congratulations on [my] nomination to membership in the Los Angeles World Affairs Council. ...yeah, wat? anyway. keep reading and find out that 'in just the past few months our past speakers have included:' the un sec-general, vp dick cheney, president of pakistan, pm of spain, pm of poland, us comm sec, former cia dir, prince sultan of palestine, etc... huh... read the brochure and find out that every us president since jfk has spoken to them... along wit several kings of the world, prince charles, many presidents, kissinger, mlk jr, albright, dalai lama, sir edmund hillary, powell, dozens of pms... go to their website: www.lawac.org and read their list of directors. guess who's on that list? no princes or kings but eisner's on. and assorted presidents, chancelors, ceos, vps, and chairmen of various companies and organizations including sunkist, la times, mattel, boeing, eanst & young, usc, wells fargo, cal tech, hilton, ucla, toyota, getty trust, etc... so the question is: how the hell did i get 'nominated'? holy cow... someone said that they needed money. but my membership fee is only $25 (the cheapest). another suggestion was my website (cause it's a bit political). but my site is only national politics. not global, which is wat this org is about. another suggestion was that maybe i signed up for something before. but i really don't have an interest in global politics so i'm pretty sure i didn't sign up for anything. anyway. i'm getting tired. so to make a long story a bit longer. i wasn't sure if i wanted to join. but i think i will. just to rub shoulders wit some of these people. :) really tho. it's only $25. and i get invited (still have to pay tho, altho discounted) to guest dinners and guest speeches. pretty cool.

velvet dreams

Muted thoughts diffuse inaudible dreams.

Stifled whispers obscure desperation.

Faint logic pauses velvet shadows in the sky.

A lucid interlude leaves you breathless.

Your murmuring discloses a burning soul.

The secret of my life’s end

     is found in your silky love.

 

 

'who can say if you love grows as your heart chose' / 'who can say why your heart sighs as you love lies' / 'and who can say why your heart cries as your love lies' / 'who knows; only time. who knows; only time...'

'night keeps all your heart'

 

like vs love

like and love are different. but they are both important in a relationship. but which is more? reep said that love is more important in the long run. i agree. but like is terribly important too. i asked him if he liked me. he said yes. i asked him if he liked al2 (code names! al is alisa. al2 is alison. cause i can't type al2's name. i always automatically type al's name. it's annoying as fuck. so fuck it.) more than he liked me. he stalled for a few minutes saying that it was a trick question. i said no it wasn't. cause there's an answer i'd want to hear and one i don't. eventually he said that he likes to talk to her online more. ...yes. so wat does that mean? that he only likes to talk to her online more? or that it is part of everything that he like more about her but decides to say something specific hoping i'll think he likes me more except in this? i asked him. he said he likes me more. but it's too late, cause now i wonder. then later i asked if he likes to talk to her online more than he used to like to talk to me over the phone? he said that he didn't kno. and-- ...you kno wat? this is becoming one hell of a long and boring story. so to cut it short. i wonder about us. do you think he's gonna do it again? like his girl friend more than he likes his girlfriend? i think it's very possible. he says no. eh. tell you wat tho. i'm not going to be strung along forever like al was. if it happens.  i'm gone.

'this feeling's back today' 'same as yesterday' / ''it’s so deceiving, like it’s never leaving' 'been like this for awhile' / 'it’s true that you push me to the point…' / 'it’s never ending, not worth defending' 'i’m finally learning' / 'i think i’ve taken all i’m going to take' / 'this really starts to stink: the bullshit and the baggage that you bring; i’m going to throw it all away'

why is it that...?

you kno how when yo'ure tired you get random crazy thougthts? well i'm tired. and am also too tired to come up wit any crazy thougths on my own. but if you ever need the help: crazythoughts.com. btw, someone (no names here) once told me that s/he didn't see the difference between my regular page and this one. but i think it's obvoius. this one is of links and things i find online. and sometimes it includes social commentary. my other page (now travel log) is about-- well... let's be frank here. it's about reepal. yeah. anyway. hope that's clear now.

blurry

so we didn't exacly make up or anything. but we're normal again. we hung up badly last night. this morning i had a dream that we had made up. he was supposed to call me so we could get together. i woke up to my phone vibrating. i thought it was him cause i was still caught up in my dream. it wasn't. it was my alarm. but that woke me up quick. i texted him we should meet after work. and he came. we talked a little. and i realized that i'm nowhere as stubborn as either he or i thinks. which is a good thing. he's stubborn too tho. more so than me. but i guess i should count my blessings that we aren't equally bad. i'm still not wearing my ring. i put it on this morning and as i was brushing my teeth it slipped off and fell into the sink. i was/am too scared to put it back on. it's a funny thing tho. taking it off. all at once it makes you feel confused (wat am i doing?), powerful (look, i don't need you), sad (i wonder if he'll even notice/care?), introspective (i wonder wat this says?), and stupid (it's just a ring for crying out loud...). it comes in brief little flashes throughout the day too. whenever you notice that you're pushing your ring on more tightly and yet you're not even wearing one. and the thing that goes thru your mind then is sadness. that you've made the concious effort to remove a part of him from you, and thus, a part of you from us. but anyway. it's just a stupid ring, right?

'slow down, stop and think' 'you never want to think' / 'fear… just don’t be afraid' / 'cause everything couldn’t be a dream, another bad dream' / 'wait… you never want to wait' 'cause every time you say good bye, i’ve seen that look a thousand times' 'there’s no more room left inside' / 'cause every time you say good night, i love to watch you close your eyes' 'there’s no more pain left inside' 'flushing it down the drain' / 'it’s gonna be alright'

astronaut pants

having a bad day wit my aol. it's just not working properly and i've had to uninstall and reinstall a few times. but you kno wat always cheers me up? stupid jokes. and really, i guess stupid pick up lines qualify as stupid jokes. cause only a joke would give lines as stupid as these... pickuphelp.com

the open boat

i think i'm getting thinner. in the fingers. ...i'm not losing weight, i'm pretty sure, and yet my rings are no longer fitting properly. i’d moved a ring from my middle finger to my thumb, which worked for a while but now it's loose again. so when i shower, i take it off. today i showered and haven't put it back on again. this ring, it's the ring that reep and i 'share'. i was thinking today in the shower about wat he said when he didn't want it back: he didn't like wearing jewelry. i wonder if that’ll change when/if we get married. altho this question is fast losing it’s importance. instead i find myself wondering if we’ll even last the week. a while ago, he asked me “to please please please not mess up.....as much as I want to believe that you're not going to ‘mess up’... I just don't really believe you have as much control over that as I'd like..” another time he wrote that “i'm..just....SO pessimistic about our future right now.. I feel like, I'm just waiting. Waiting for everything to happen. And then..I don't know...” it has been about a month now. and while i was holding on, being the strong one, and the optimistic one, now i'm not. i think tho, that now we're in the same boat. and i think that now i'm going to just let go. cause as occupied as he is with the idea of me running away, he is oddly unconcerned about pushing me away. it’s funny tho… cause when did i become the type that likes to be told wat to do? somewhere along the line, i did start to become that person. but i have never fully became (and I thought you knew that?). i still do not like being pushed around. they say that the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink. but is this quicksand? i kno that i am sinking…

 

closure highlights: 'breathe, trust, bless me and release' / 'hold my breath til you rupture' / 'branch out behind the pain' / 'you will never belong to me' / 'go on confusing the soul' / 'like a leach, i hold on as if we belonged to some precious pure dream'

fresh start

if you have that song, you should listen to it and pay attention to the lyrics. to quote another who was at a loss for words and found solace in a song: "EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS SONG MUST BE [HEARD]....EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS SONG...IS MEANT TO BE [HEARD]...and MEANT to be UNDERSTOOD...and MEANT to be APPLIED to my thoughts at this very moment of my life. EVERY..SINGLE..WORD." if you kno who wrote this, well, that also gives you another hint of my mindset. hm... so this last month or so has been rather different. to start off the list, i've come to irvine to make a new home for my bastard child. ...wait. that's not me. well, i have come to irvine, anyway. but more to come to school. i would add also to escape the wretchedness of home living but then i've only found my way to crushing monotony. which, believe it or not, isn't all that much better. and more than just feeling bored most of the time, i feel lost and alone. anyway. i don't have a whole lot of time here and i'm being sidetracked by another project but in summery. so: all my relationships have changed;  some for the better, some for the worse.

and in closing, here're some highlights to that song: 'wat's the going rate on life vs love?' 'wat's the going rate on you vs me?' 'wat's the going rate on making this right?' 'are we running out of time?' / 'i'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me' 'it's hard to believe in the things i trust the most' 'there're so many signs, how many ways can i deceive my yesterday?' '...i have wasted so much, on everything but this.' / 'can you be bigger than this? can you be stronger than this?' / 'everything's waiting on you. everything's focused on you. to do wat you should do.'

travel log

made a new journal cause i can't update my trips and travels. it's in the same style as this page (colors too) and it also follows the travel theme i've built up. and because it's gonna be a longer update (i'm thinking) i leave you wit a short little link. it's a pretty cool site. run your pointer over some of the graphics and watch the borders and such move. neave.com

making the band!!

have you always wanted to be a part of a band? well you can't! but you can put one together: createbands.com - create a band online. it's the coolest thing ever! btw. i did of lots variations but i liked this one a lot: kristie (2), hardcore paul (5), djbeejay (2), rachel (2), and mc mike (2). they're called sumpter. now go make a band too!

a pair of parodies

ready for another hilarious flash comedy? then get ready to watch iraq witout me as sung by the real hussein. btw, on the right side of this page there are other funny things to watch too. but if you're busier and would rather just listen to funny music then go to cyberparodies.com, which features funny songs.

cancerous cell phones...

oh holy crap...: "study links cell phones and tumors." okay, so it is a benign tumor, not cancer. but still! do you want something foreign growing in your head? sheesh. i don't even want something not of me growing on my head...

song and dance

for some funny videos making fun of both kerry and bush: jibjab.com

ed, the singing horse?

silly and stupid but lots of fun: hogafflahage (make sure you turn on your sound!).

burning bush

just for random fun, here're a couple sites dedicated to our president bush: dubyaspeak.com and bushorchimp.com. and to be fair, one more site, which makes fun of everyone, not just bush: whitehouse.org (which i kno, seems like the .com site or like the .gov site but i swear this one has nothing to do wit porn or real politics).

the poor rich

it so bothers me that rich/famous people get such special treatment. whenever they go to events (award shows, premiers, some parties) they get freebies. thousands of dollars worth in freebies. ...holy shit. it's not like those fuckers can't afford to just buy the whole shebang. and now they got credit cards that give them the royal treatment too wit their fantastic plastic. those fucking blingbling bitches!

smoke two joints...

the next time you need drugs, you should just look around on the tops of people's cars. cause apparently that's where drug dealers are stashing their stuff these days. but if you don't have all that time to just sit around and look at cars, maybe you ought to head over to that local courthouse. but maybe you're in la palma and you have no courthouse to go to. well, then you should go try your drug buying luck at a police party. aw... still no luck? well, have no fear. if you can't buy drugs, you should try making your own, cause evidently, it's not that hard. of course, if you've got a touch of arachnaphobia maybe you should sign on to ebay. after all, they do sell some pretty weird stuff...

quick like a... stone?

jeezum crow am i slow! go test your reflexes at the table tennis reflex tester. btw, it matters both how fast you press and how quickly you release. good luck and don't feel bad if it asks if you've been drinking or sleeping; join the crowd! 

that's a bad sign...

so as i alwais tell reepal, he's a worser driver than me. and this proves it!: "the best and worst drivers by the signs" see! taurus is one worse than pisces. damn skippy.

kill those bastards!

damn that pesky west nile. if you're anything like me, then bugs are simply attracted to you (my dad said it's my pH level). here're some bug repelents that work, and some that don't (from the july 2004 reader's digest). what works: stuff wit deet (off!), the higher the % the better. oil of eucalyptus (repel lemon eucalyptus insect repellent). and soybean oil (bite blocker for kids). things that don't work: skin so soft. (well, technically, this does work, but only for a lousy 23 mintues.) repellent wristbands and citronella candles don't work at all. and "high tech" devices don't work much either. and my personal tip: drain all stagnent water sources - they're a breeding ground for mosquitos. so don't leave around buckets of water. check all plant ...plates... to make sure there isn't too much excess water down there. and if you've got a pool, be sure to turn on that churning water thing (damnit, i dunno wat it's called, i dont' have a pool!). also, if your pool is already a weird green color, drain it immediatly. first off, the alge and stuff isn't healthy for you. second, it looks gross. and third, it's a good breeding place for mosquitos. one last thing! mosquitos are most attracted to the color blue (light, dark? i dunno) blahblahblah. keep safe this summer!

deflating gas price

gas prices are going down, yes, but maybe not for long. here're (coutesy of reader's digest aug '04) some tips on how to save: don't drive aggressivly - meaning: don't accelerate rapidly, brake suddenly, or change lanes excessively; it can cost you as much at 10% in gas mileage. btw, feul efficency peaks at around 60mph. after that, add in about 10cents a gallon for each additional 5mph. also make sure that you've got proper tire pressure. if you're under, you might be losing 6cents per gallon. replace a clogged air filter and save another 20cents per gallon. and if you fix that malfunctioning oxygen sensor, you could save as much as 60cents per gallon. one more thing, check your gas cap. "nearly 150 million gallos of gasoline evaportate into the atmosphere every year because of all the damaged, loose and missing caps." so really, if you just fixed all the broken things in your car, you'll save a hell of a lot more money than pinching those pennies by driving "safely."

come again?

"Penis Explodes During Sex" ...um... how come he didn't notice himself?

all's fair...

to me, the controversy over 'who should pay' has never been an issue. i like to pay. i like that i am capable of treating my boif to a movie or to dinner or to watever. why should he sacrifice his hard earned money to treat me nice and get nothing in return? this financial equality also extends past just this however. neither of us will ever feel resentment over paying for something we didn't want to do. for instance. i really wanted to go to the lb aqarium. reep didn't want to go. but he was gracious enough to go and keep me company. now, if i had then made him pay for the tickets, i'm sure he would have been quite annoyed, and justifiably so. why should he have to pay to go see something he didn't want to go see in the first place, esp when i have am entirely able to pay! now in relation to the article: lots of people feel pressured to go on dates they don't want to, but they go, cause they're nice or bored or watever. and because of this, whoever asks for the first date ought to pay for that first date. and i say this knowing that i've asked out a guy before, so i'm not being manipulative. then, on the second date, the other person ought to pay. from then on, make it comparable in the amount each person pays so that you're always about even. that's wat reep and i do. sorta. mainly, it's whomever it's most convinient for, that's who pays. so if reep has more cash, he pays. course, i try to keep things around even and i always pay when we're doing something he didn't want to do and i'm pretty sure he does the same. (...i better have not paid for that stupid 'freddie vs jason' movie...) and as for not paying when you kno there's not going to be a second date? watever. i think it's that person's responsibility. you ask someone out: you pay. it's that simple. someone asks you out: you have no obligations towards that person. you don't have to accept, pay, make sure they have a good time, or promise them that second date. that's a chance they take when they ask you out. therefore, if some girl/guy sends you an invoice for a date because you didn't promise them a second one, you can tell them to shove off, courtesy of me.

belly belly

ever finish a big meal, raise your shirt a little, rest your hand on your tight little tummy, rub it like you're wishing for luck, sit back, melt your eyes shut, grin and purr? i love that. complete satisfaction in your slight bulge of a belly. course, then reality hits and you're suddenly disgusted wit your ever enlargening distension of fat. grr... i myself am torn wit the way i ought to feel about my pooch. i like my tummy. soft, a little squishy, and a bit round. when i watch tv i usually sit there wit my hand resting on my tummy. i like it there. it's warm, cozy, and comfortable. but i also hate it. i hate how when i stand there looking at myself in the mirror there is a bulge interrupting my perfect line of stomache. i hate how i sometimes ooze over the top of my pants. it's gross and i hate it. but then i sit back, settle my palm on my tummy, close my eyes, and wait for that glow of self satisfaction to come gliding over me. ::purr::

legs

was at db pool pratice today (btw, got thrown into the pool. argh...) and noticed that some girl there has body type like me! very thin on top and shortish stumpish legs. would think that thin little twiggy arms would translate to thin little twiggy legs, but no! seems as tho tall females always have long legs too. and these long legs of theirs are always thin. so one would imagine then that a short female might also have proportionally long legs, but that's not always so! if this woman is white, she might have thinish legs still. not quite as slim, but still nice and reasonable. but asians seem only to have thick 'athletic' legs. bah. so not only are asains almost never blessed wit having nice long legs, they're usually stumpy too! :(

love of money?

was watching 'for love or money II' finale tonight. boy picked nice girl over bitch girl. girl picked boy over money of potentially one million dollars. then boy picked girl over check valued at a known one million dollars. told reepal. he said that the guy was stupid. i asked him wat he would do. pick me or $1m? he said that it was really close. i assured him that i would not be hurt if he picked the money. i just wanted to kno wat he would do. he refused to answer and almost demanded that i stop asking him about it. ::raise eyebrow:: but enough about him. wat would i do? ...was thinking that if i was the guy on tv. i would have only picked the girl and not the money if i felt she was 'the one.' the money is definitly long term. and i wouldn't give up that garentee for some thing that could be long term but that is more likely a short term thing. but then and again. i don't believe in 'the one.' so how much would i have to like the girl to pick her over the money? as much as i like reepal? ...and you kno wat? it is really close. i mean... financially i'm fine. i don't need the money (but damn do i want it). and so of course i would pick reep. but that's selfish. wit the million, i could pay for my education myself. my dad could retire. and my mom wouldn't have to pretend to be so interested in going back to work. and just... it would make their lives so much easier. the whole rest of their lives so much better. but reep. i mean, he's...... see wat i mean? i don't kno. i think... i think i'd pick reep. but that's assuming that i was in the guy's position. if i'm the girl, it's a bit more complicated. let's say i do pick reep. now it's his turn. wat if he doesn't pick me back? so not only do i lose the guy, but i also lose the money. and really, reep needs the money more than i do. and so i'm back here again: wondering wat he would pick. cause if i'm the girl, i have so much more to lose and... if he's going to screw me. then i'd much rather screw him first. right? i don't kno either... problem is, i do love him. a lot. so maybe i'd pick him. and urge him to take the money. cause he needs it more than i do. and cause he needs it more than he needs me. ...you kno wat? yeah. that's the one. in either case, i'd pick reep. and in either case, i'd hope he'd pick the money... ...yeah, that's the one. cause he's... well, you kno. :)

homework: ask you significant other wat they would do

shocking!

read this article about the future of stun guns! instead of simple tasers, this new type of gun can shoot a "lightning-like beam of electricity." sounds maybe good maybe bad, but keep reading and find out that "of the 30,000 times US police officers have fired Tasers, in 40 instances people stunned by them later died. The deaths have been attributed to factors such as... fighting with officers, rather than the electric shock." "Taser International chief Rick Smith said: 'In every single case the medical examiner has attributed the direct cause of death to causes other than the Taser.'" so in other words. the people that have later died after being stunned died from factors not relating to the electrical shock. so wat does that mean? after the cops shock you immobile, they beat you to death? god knows they aren't shooting you to death. cops in america, after all, have terrible aim. pointshooting.com reports that police accuracy is around only 20%. btw, according to the nra, less than 75% accuracy is classified as being a "danger to bystanders." another website (with the article "police gunfighting" written by a dr who's teaching the 'police in society' class (along with a number of other police/justice classes) at wesleyan college) reports that the "average police officer effectiveness is at the level of 17% proficiency."  which makes them only 7% better than the average untrained criminal [same article]. ...makes you feel good about the police of today, no? btw, none of this even goes into wat happens if the 'bad guys' get a hold of this super laser gun.

double dog dissed

told reep bout how i feel bout the incident described last. he doesn't get it. says that i oughtn't feel insulted. rather. i should take it as a compliment. if that's so, then why aren't you happy for me that someone else thinks i look good? kay, try to follow now, the rules get kind of weird. aparently it's not okay to compliment someone else's girlfriend. because i'm '[his] property.' that's right. so therefore, no one can make me feel better about myself (even if maybe my boif is making me feel worse about myself) because i belong to (and am perhaps owned by?) my boif. watch out folks! don't ever again compliment because then you would be infringing on reepal's property rights!  ... also, apparently, if you don't 'do' anything then you're in the clear. so if he had grabbed my chest then i should be insulted. if he made a comment on them i should be happy (but not too happy because that guy would be violating reepal's rights and of course i should not be happy about that). so wat if then he had mimed the act of groping me? i think that i should feel good about that. but wat if it looked like he was about to grab me? should i then a) push his hands away and accidently fend off a compliment. or b) wait to see if he gropes me to make sure that he's acutally insulting me and not only on the verge of complimenting me. you pick b? dingdingding! that is the correct answer! after all, you wouldn't want to miscontrue a compliment for an insult (no matter how insulted it may make you feel). hope you kids (girls especially) learn this lesson well, you will be tested (a pop quiz no less!) on this soon.

harassed

so as i was in vegas i got harassed by some guy on a bike. we were walking in a spread out group, me somewat by myself in the middle, down a narrowish lane. see a guy riding his bike towards me. he starts riding over to my side of the lane. i kno wat's gonna happen. i prepare. he comes closer and says something in spanish. i hit him wit my stuffed animal as he rides by and i keep walking. and feel annoyed. not angry, mind you. i guess this is simply a part of being a woman? but wat kind of bs is that? where we educate our little girls to not take offense when someone harasses you? where all i do is harmlessly hit him wit a stuffed animal instead of pushing the asshole off his bike and beating the shit out of him so that he too knows wat it feels like to be humiliated? where no one later says anything (besides asking wat happened) because they think that i have shrugged the incident off because that is wat i'm supposed to do? where i passively wait around for the next time i am not so lucky to be simply harassed and am instead raped?