the open boat

i think i'm getting thinner. in the fingers. ...i'm not losing weight, i'm pretty sure, and yet my rings are no longer fitting properly. i’d moved a ring from my middle finger to my thumb, which worked for a while but now it's loose again. so when i shower, i take it off. today i showered and haven't put it back on again. this ring, it's the ring that reep and i 'share'. i was thinking today in the shower about wat he said when he didn't want it back: he didn't like wearing jewelry. i wonder if that’ll change when/if we get married. altho this question is fast losing it’s importance. instead i find myself wondering if we’ll even last the week. a while ago, he asked me “to please please please not mess up.....as much as I want to believe that you're not going to ‘mess up’... I just don't really believe you have as much control over that as I'd like..” another time he wrote that “i'm..just....SO pessimistic about our future right now.. I feel like, I'm just waiting. Waiting for everything to happen. And then..I don't know...” it has been about a month now. and while i was holding on, being the strong one, and the optimistic one, now i'm not. i think tho, that now we're in the same boat. and i think that now i'm going to just let go. cause as occupied as he is with the idea of me running away, he is oddly unconcerned about pushing me away. it’s funny tho… cause when did i become the type that likes to be told wat to do? somewhere along the line, i did start to become that person. but i have never fully became (and I thought you knew that?). i still do not like being pushed around. they say that the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink. but is this quicksand? i kno that i am sinking…

 

closure highlights: 'breathe, trust, bless me and release' / 'hold my breath til you rupture' / 'branch out behind the pain' / 'you will never belong to me' / 'go on confusing the soul' / 'like a leach, i hold on as if we belonged to some precious pure dream'