head on

was talking to ab at work the other day who said that she had a difficult with her boyfriend r sometimes. she didn't feel special because he tried to treat everyone the same way: really well. i think i have the same issue. i try to be considerate always. not just to the people i care about. and it really doesn't help that i'm not particularly considerate to begin with anyway! ...seriously.

i'm trying tho. in some ways it's easier with a new person cause you aren't as comfortable with them. of course, i'm also not perceptive so i haven't figured out what especially considerate behaviors he appreciates the most. as usual, i'm blundering my way thru everything. ...seriously.

i was stressing this morning cause things the last couple days have felt off. we've seen each other a lot but i think we both have a lot on our minds. (tourney is this weekend!) he asked a couple days ago too, if i was mad at him. i wasn't. not even annoyed. anyway, i'm busy thru monday, and in two weeks he'll be leaving for about two weeks. it bothers me how i'm actually a little relieved that we'll be occupied with our own lives. do i really hate "confrontation" that much?

When breath becomes air quotations

need a good cry? read this book: Paul Kalanithi - When Breath Becomes Air
dammit, read this fucking book anyway.

"And medical schools have discontinued the support of the practice of robbing graves to procure cadavers--that looting itself and vast improvement over murder, a means once common enough to warrant its own verb: burke, which the OED defines as 'to kill secretly by suffocation or strangulation, or for the purpose of selling the victims body for dissection.'" p47

"An alcoholic, his blood no longer able to clot, who bled to death into his joints and under his skin. Every day the bruises would spread. Before he became delirious, he looked up at me and said, "it's not fair--I've been diluting my drinks with water.'" p77

"The root of disaster means start coming apart, and no image expresses better the look in a patient's eyes when hearing a neurosurgeon's diagnosis. Sometimes the news so shocks in mind that the brain suffers an electrical short. This phenomenon is known as a "psychogenic" syndrome, a severe version of the swoon some experience after hearing bad news... One of my patients, upon being diagnosed with brain cancer, fell suddenly into a coma.  I ordered a battery of labs, scans, and EEGs, searching for a cause, without result. The definitive test was the simplest: I raised the patient's arm above his face to let go. A patient in a psychogenic coma contains just enough volition to avoid hitting himself. The treatment consists in speaking reassuringly, until your words connect and the patient awakens." p90-91

"The word hope first appeared in English about a thousand years ago, denoting some combination of confidence and desire." p133

"If the weight of mortality does not get lighter, does it at least to get more familiar?" p 138

"Moral duty has weight, things that have weight have gravity, and so the duty to bear mortal responsibility pulled me back into the operating room." p151

"...mercy trumps justice every time." p171

and finally: "I don't want to learn about your worries by accident." because this is how how my deepest worries are usually expressed.

bucket list update

whoa, i found my old bucket lists! my life one from 2012 (which was updated from 2010), and a 2013 year one. i'm happy to say that even without trying, i've managed to cross a bunch of things off my list!

- go to spain to eat tapas and see gaudi, go to petra,
- get a pixi cut (2017) or shave head entirely
- go skydiving, cliff diving, scuba diving, snorkeling (twice!), swim with sharks, and paddle in a glass bottom kayak
- go on a windmill tour (like this one), ride in a hot air balloon (sorta in 2103?), more spelunking! ...well, more walking through caves anyway
- go on a cross country road trip
- learn to drive a motorcycle, go luge!!! (tho i may have to settle for skeleton)
- learn archery, rock climbing, knife-throwing, or how to throw a javelin
- at least once, watch all the current best picture nominations for an oscar
- see aurora borealis, watch a meteor shower (well, technically i did last summer but i want to see a GOOD one)
- make my own jam (it didn't turn out as jam, but i did make it!), make peppermint bark 
- learn how to knit / crochet, use a potter's wheel, solder correctly, or weld
- make my own terrarium, make a quilt (well, i had three made for "me," hahah)
- go to rose bowl flea market 
- go to the getty villa  (2017)
- go to la city central library and the last bookstore (both done multiple times now!)
- drive-in movie (2016)
- make a xmas wreath
- when in china this summer, visit bookworm in beijing.
- go to the underground gardens in fresno (i'm almost positive it won't be as good as i'm expecting it to be.) (2016 it def wasn't as cool as i was hoping, but still cool!)
- go to palm springs to kayak the salton sea and go do a windmill tour (like this one or this one)
- if i'm ever near ojai, visit bart's books, the largest independently owned and operated outdoor bookstore in the u.s.

well, well!! i'm glad i found this tho i have a LOT more things to add now, haha. they're mostly travel things: go to turkey, go to iceland, go to chicago (and to that ax throwing place), see bioluminescent plankton at an actual beach, go "sledding" in beijing, go to the other side of the bund in shanghai, go to toronto, go see so many places i've added to my email list, and omg way too much to list. hopefully i'll find this again in a few years and be able to cross off even more. :)

2+ is perfect

The Surprising Conclusion From the Biggest Polyamory Survey Ever

was talking about polyamory the other week with j. he doesn't think he could do it because of, well, jealousy. i think i might be able to. not that i would be the polyamorous one, but i think i might be okay sharing a partner. i generally don't feel like i'm ever enough for a person. in thinking about my past... well, not relationships but er... romantic dawdling, i've said before that I usually ended it because i lost interest. but, in really thinking about it, it was usually because he wanted more than i was willing to give. I knew i wouldn't want to give more, even down the line, so i did the kind thing and ended things. better to slightly hurt someone now, than to have them invest and hurt them a lot later, right? ...honestly, i probably just gave up. rip said once that i have difficulty taking things to completion. i'm pretty sure he was right. it's the whole commitment thing rearing its ugly head again.

anyway, i also talked about this years ago with another friend. he was frustrated because his sexual needs (among a few other needs) weren't being fulfilled by his wife. i forget how it was brought up, but we talked about sexual surrogacy. which he was accepting of, but knew his wife would not be into. it's funny because i think that's usually the case. you're unfulfilled, so you're okay with alternatives. the person who is "lacking" isn't okay with you getting your needs met by someone else, but at the same time isn't willing (or is unable) to satisfy you.

i don't know. this is all theoretical (or is it hypothetical?). ultimately i would hope i could "rise to the occasion" and meet my partner more than halfway so that we're both happy with each other, and each other only.

we never left

you grow up judging your parents. you blame them for stuff you later realize they had no control over. as adults you start to be kind to them. you realize they are who they are in large part because of how they were raised, the social climate of the times, and the circumstances of their lives. but you still carry that judgement, and you vow that you will be different. i have the feeling tho, that when i'm 70 i'll be acting the way they do. extended shouting matches rather than my current detached silence. you can't help it, i think. in talking with friends now, we explain our current behaviors by analyzing our upbringing. it's kind of crazy how little control you have over yourself.

china notes 3

Gender parity - there are a lot of women doing what in America is generally considered men's jobs. Lots of ladies on the airport tarmac, in Security, and doing construction jobs, even carrying heavy loads of rocks in straw baskets on their backs. 

Minorities - cool that they highlight them but it seems a little exploitative too. 

Tibetans - that yak butter tea isn't bad and I love their traditional clothing, those simple robe-like things and long skirts? I wish I could've bought one tho really, where would I wear it?

Clothing - the women here dress so femininely. Dresses, skirts, and blouses with flowers, lace, and ruffles. After coming here I always think i should dress a little more girly, especially this year, what with the short hair. Still, there are a lot more women in sneakers now, and shorts are shorter too, tho tank tops are still uncommon. I actually went into a store with the full intention of probably buying something but just could not find anything I wouldn't feel stupid wearing. I need to satorically branch out...

Cute guys - almost a complete lack of attractive men here. And it's not just where I traveled to this time. I've thought this every time I've come. A big part of this is probably because I was brought up in a western society so my tastes skew away from east Asian guys, but a lot of the men on their TV and advertisements are good looking so where are they irl? Their clothes don't help tho, lol.

Tattoos - way more now on the young people, even the women. Still rare tho, and very few big pieces like half or full sleeves. Very little color, and mostly abstract pieces. 

Smoking - less than before, but still a lot. Don't think I saw a single woman smoke tho, interestingly enough.

I'm tall! Not by a lot, but a couple inches than most of the women here, old or young. Imma keep visiting south China, lol.

Grooming - lots of guys with long fingernails with one super long pinkie fingernail. They openly use toothpicks and also clean their ears at the dinner table. Females rarely shave. 

Kids - the little emperor thing is real. But I did see multiple families with more than one kid, which was always surprising.  

On my 6th trip to China I'm a little surprised by how easily I become Chinese again: jaywalking, cutting lines, verbally snapping at randos, I rarely even take photos of bad English signage anymore. I've been assuming this is going to be my last trip for a while. No longer being safety director likely means no thank you china trip. on paper I'm still the head of the uscdbc so who knows, tho I can't be bothered to try to earn this trip anymore. Honestly, I've seen so much of China I can't believe it. I've really tried to pack it in each time (excluding my first icdbf trip) and I'm so thankful for the financial gift of nearly every flight, and especially for the highlights of china tour in 2005 from my parents which has proved invaluable for time saving in all my subsequent trips. Coming back to xian was a bit like coming home, and that it may serve as the book ends to my China travels is so fitting. of all the cities I've seen I feel like I've done them all thoroughly enough I don't need to visit them again (excluding chengdu, which I've passed thru four times already but have yet to spend a full day there). I've seen the best of the historical, cultural, modem, and now natural side to China and I'm ready to finally cross it off my bucket list. ...tho having said that, I'd still love to return :)

china notes 2

Post office - international mail (postcards anyway) confuses them. Last year the post office didn't even have enough stamps for me. And the really old school is that the postage needs to be stuck on using separate adhesive. forget sticker stamps, you can't even lick these! I hope the more international cities are different. 

Service - apparently you can complain about anything now. We were driving to Hukou and at one toll booth was tagged for weighing too much. After getting it sorted out, our driver called someone, who picked up, and lodged a complaint. He got a call back within half an hour too. ...Service still sucks tho. Service with a smile is unheard of and you're likely to get your stuff tossed at you rather than handed to you. 

WeChat - best app ever? Texting, phone calls (video too), file sharing, social media plus you can use it for damn near anything, including paying random street vendors, friends, cabbies, actual stores, etc.

Hepatitis - bejeebus the food was good this time. I love both Shaanxi and Sichuan styles of food. But at most of my meals outside tournament week all I could think while eating was "hepatitis, hepatitis, you're getting hepatitis." Then I go back for seconds, sometimes thirds, lol. I actually bought a bag of red and green peppercorns; I hope someone will make me something! My god I ate a lot here. Even at home, I'm usually the last person to stop eating anyway (since I eat slowly) but here it was cause i always got more did than anyone else. Random side notes: yak meat tastes just like regular beef; Tibetan yak butter tea is pretty good; the fruit here, while plentiful, cheap and juicy, isn't super flavorful; the stinky tofu here is pretty good, ha; the fried chicken is damn good; xian sour milk is good too, very similar to the Peking style, just less less thick.

Loud aF - people here talk loud as fuck. And the Shanghainese speak even louder and so fast too! I don't understand like 90% of Shanghainese. And the car horns, Jesus. I get why they use them (more as a friendly "hello I'm here" and not the American "fuck you asshole") but my god they've somehow turned up the volume. And since they do use them differently, why that decibel level? they EAT loud af too. ugh.

Driving - I like how they drive here, which is actually scary as hell if you've ever seen it. But seriously, they're such efficient drivers! Really regret not taking CJ up on his offer last year to let me drive around Daqing.

Dry heat - I hate humidity. In the hostel the girls wash their socks and under things and hang them up to dry. ...or not dry, lol. Dali was nice and dry tho. My swimsuit and jersey dried each day and I actually had to put on lotion after showering. Juizhaigou too, probably cause it's so high up. 

High altitude - wasn't terribly worried about it until the tour guide went on and on and on about it. I bought a $16 bottle of oxygenated water, figuring it'd do nothing but also knowing I'd feel really stupid if I didn't buy it and got sick. (J later looked up oxygenated water, and yeah, it's bogus.) I didn't get sick, tho about a third of my bus mates did. thankfully no one threw up loudly, tho at my hotel that night I could hear painful vomiting thru the walls. Imagine trying to fall asleep to that... Anyway, good to know tho that 4200k up doesn't affect me besides a slight numbness in the fingers I messed up years ago. I did nearly 13 miles that day too, with a ton of stairs, and no big effects so I guess I'm now ready for Everest?

Food waste - HUGE problem here, omg. at I think every meal I was the only person to clean my plate. I mean, I'm often the only one to do it here too (cause I take food home), but in China the amount of food wasted was pretty crazy. Even those not sensitive to the issue (as I am) would probably notice and be surprised.

china notes 1

Airports

The check-in process at the chengdu and xian airports are the most confusing I've navigated, and I've gone thru quite a few airports, big and small. It's worse than even the train stations.

PEK (Beijing airport) is HUGE. seriously. They have buses to drive you from your gate to the plane. I was on that bus for like 20 minutes, no joke. I mean, we weren't speeding along at 60mph but it wasn't slow either. 

Security - What are all these security checks for? Transferring at PEK I had to go thru another security line were I had to get my passport, visa, ticket checked, toss my liquids (again), walk thru that scanner thing, and get a very thorough pat down. (...I should remember to go back to wearing regular bras [rather than unlined bralettes] when flying in China. They even run their hands down your legs when you aren't wearing pants.) When boarding you get your tickets scanned, as you walk thru the corridor thing to the plane another dude checks it again, and on the plane once more. ...flying out of PEK to LAX, when in the corridor thing between the gate and the plane, they physically went thru my purse (good thing I'd checked my bag) and made me toss my water which I had just filled at the water station at my gate! ugh. such a waste.

The liquid checks are getting ridiculous. They used to just scan or run a metal detector wand thing on you when you entered the subway, but now you have to take out your water bottle and they put it on some machine thing that does something; I'm not sure what. "Good thing" nearly everyone in China has either single-use water bottles or clear plastic water bottles. I think I would have difficulty with my usual stainless steel water bottle.

Trash / recycling - I didn't see any single bins, they always come in a pair. However, people don't recycle properly anyway. I often times saw single-use bottles in the non-recycle bin. I think because China has to employ sooo many people, a lot of them are trash pickers. So the regular person doesn't have to take personal responsibility for their waste. Probably why there's so much littering also, because you know that within half an hour some street cleaning person will be along to pick up after you. It's not that they think about the street cleaner, but when you litter but are rarely confronted with the consequence of it, you stop thinking about it as a negative act.

Also, I was hoping to find and bring home some leashed bottle cap / single-use bottles (as M saw in Japan). Unfortunately not only did I not see any of those, but many of their aluminum cans don't even have pop tops; they're still pull tabs!! I wish I had paid more attention to the brands, but I tried to use as little single-use anything as I could, which was NOT easy. 

They use inch-long pins instead of paper clips. Seems dangerous

Dogs - so many now! Even saw a dog park in Chengdu. Lots of weather inappropriate dogs tho, poor over-heated things

Way more fat people, obese even. 

Bathrooms - ugh. I figured out a couple years ago that handicap stalls contain a western toilet. This year I did a lot of traveling to remote scenic places tho so I knew I couldn't expect that. Still, I wasn't expecting so many of the trough style toilets. And ones with only half tall walls and no door either! Funny thing tho, from the stains on the walls, it's clear that Chinese women haven't figured out which way to face either. UGH

for future use

have been realizing lately what a bad girlfriend I was to rip. Maybe it's because we were together for such a long time, maybe it's because i am who I am, but I don't think in the last number of years i really tried to make him feel special.

I took him for granted. We're both guilty of that. The complacency probably came from that neither of us thought a breakup was a serious possibility. Maybe every (or most anyway) good relationship needs some insecurity and fear to breed appreciation and effort. 

For a long time I thought what I wanted was variety. I didn't want to Netflix everyday, movie every date.* I thought going out to restaurants, trying new activities,  etc would bring some life back to us. Now I'm pretty sure that what I really wanted was to feel like a new couple again. That anticipation of seeing him again, the wonder from discovering new about them, the excitement of doing new things and going new paces. I'd said before that it made me sad that all our newest experiences were with other people, which is why I wanted to go out and do new things with him. But ultimately I don't think that would have helped for long. I needed to show him that I loved and appreciated him, and vice versa. 

The problem now is that I don't really know how to show it. The five love languages thing really speaks to me tho I don't particularly identify with any of them, except maybe quality time. That's a hard one tho, since, well, what really defines "quality"? I've had more than a couple guys say to me that I show I care differently.** While I'm glad they recognize that, I'm also worried that if I don't change, it'll never be enough for the people I really care about. I should probably just "randomly" pick one or two and work on that, rather than seeing what comes naturally, since none do. Lol, I'm such a fucking robot.

disclaimer: NO i don't want to get back with him. these reflections are so i can improve on my current/future relationships.

* which is especially funny because even now when he does ask to hang out, it's for a movie or for house of cards or something.

** i fucking HATE when guys say this tho i totally get it. not mad at him, or him saying it, just annoyed it's true i guess.

Tibetans

went to a section of China that has a lot of Tibetans and our tour actually arranged two seperate visits for us to learn more about their culture. one was a fake "home" visit where we were served drinks and food, and they danced and sang for us. the other was an actual home visit where a lady sat with us for an hour in her kitchen/sitting room and answered questions and their culture. some really interesting stuff! notes below:

Families live all together in a house. Kids aren't that valued; the most important person is the father. What he says is absolute. When you make money you turn it over to him and he decides what to do with it. A lot is donated to the temples. Temple monks make like bowls, vase things, spatulas, etc that they'll give back to families who donate a lot. You family's "face" is based on how much of these items you have since they can't be bought. Giving money is the easier way out tho; the best thing you can do is service. 

Yaks are traded for women. A woman's value is measured in yaks, and childbearing ability. Small waist, big hips = good for childbirth. No kids? You're fucked. Household's worst jobs are on you. Tho you can also go live in a monastery generating like 'piety points' for your family.  i didn't get the chance too ask what happens if the man is the reproductively challenged one... Stacking firewood neatly shows you are a diligent and hardworking woman.

Tibetans always keep their middle section warm. Cold legs, arms and especially belly is bad for fertility. 

After you die the village people come to vote on if you're a good person or bad, which will determine your burial (also a Llama will inspect your body). 5 kinds of burial, the worst being a ground burial. There's also water, fire, temple kind of thing, and sky. Sky is best for the common person. your body is cut into 108 peices and their up into the air for the birds gtoeat. Not because the Eagles take your soul into the sky and closer to god, but it's more of a circle of life thing. Eagles are sacred, but they don't have enough food ooh the plains of Tibet. So you give your body to them, to feed them. Which is also why Llamas inspect your body; don't want to feed the Eagles diseased meat. 

Mao is a big deal. They're apparently totally into him. Without him they wouldn't have houses or cars or other shit they also say they're not that into. "We'd still be herding yaks otherwise and living in tents on the grass and snow." but they're also like "Yaks are all you need. We're hardier than you guys cause we live with nature. All you guys care about is money. Your lives are miserable. You would be happier living like us."