aziz

I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life

this article brings up the questions of what is sexual assault and what is consent?

personally, i don't think this was assault: he didn't physically force her to do anything, he stopped when she "no, i really don't think i'm ready to do this." he didn't restrain her from leaving, he didn't even verbally try to convince her of much. that being said, i would've felt uncomfortable with him too. he's a lot more aggressive that i prefer, but i wouldn't have remained naked with him for hour, gone down on him twice, and stuck around for tv. obviously he should have paid better attention to her non-verbal cues, but then, staying naked and giving blowjobs are much clearer non-verbal cues.

i much more agree with this assessment of what happened: Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader.

i don't want to diminish what Grace feels but i think she needs to take some responsibility for her actions. i don't think that only a clearly enunciated "no" means no, but what does "let's relax for a sec" even mean? to me it says, let's stop for a bit and reassess. in other words, let's maybe continue doing what we're doing.

people aren't mind readers. you can't give super mixed signals, be unclear in your verbage, then accuse someone of a crime. that's fucked up. she had a bad sexual encounter but it's as much her fault as his. he should have been more attentive; she should have been more clear. she should have said what she wanted or didn't want. instead she passively expressed her disinterest by no longer touching him or kissing him, and moving away from him on the couch. you can't give up your agency and be offended when people don't notice what you're not saying.

i understand that sometimes it can be hard to say no. that sometimes you freeze up and "let" things happen to you. but she should understand that her passivity played a role in this situation too. things likely wouldn't have escalated or have gone on that long had she just said no. for her to lay the entire blame on him seems really unfair.

looks don't matter

The problem with calling Harvey Weinstein ugly
Body-shaming men is deeply unprogressive — even if they’re accused of sex crimes.

this! yes! does being ugly give the excuse to sexually assault someone? no, of course not. and if it doesn't matter what the victim looked/dressed like, how would the aggressor's looks matter?

"Why should we care about someone like Weinstein (or Rose) being body-shamed? ... It also distracts from the problem with what he did, which has nothing to do with his looks. What made these acts abusive is the lack of consent, not the appearance of the predators. And that perpetuates rape culture. As long as we keep acting as if sexual abuse is wrong because the abuser is physically unattractive or sexually deviant, abusers deemed attractive and “normal” will be more likely to get away with it."

also, "One unfortunate effect of this is that we consider conventionally unattractive people less credible victims of sexual assault or harassment." and that's equally fucked up.

sexual assault and harassment aren't always about the sex itself, or even about attraction. it often has nothing to do with one's physical appearance. of either party. that's why people who could "get some anyway" are sometimes rapists.

why are you __?

I Spent A Week Asking Coupled-Up People Why They're In Relationships

as someone who did not except to find myself in a relationship so soon after my last one, i think this is actually an awesome question that needs to be asked more often!

personally, i'm in one, and this one specifically, because we like each other and i'm happy being with him. when i first started dating i was just looking for fun. i wanted to meet new people, do/see/eat new things,etc. when i started seeing j, i figured he would be fun for a while (maybe a couple months) before i lost interest and moved on. as i do. but a handful of dates in i realized i actually liked him and didn't want to waste my time getting to know people i would probably like less. (i didn't ask him to stop seeing others; i didn't care what he was doing.) i was going to give it a few dedicated months and move on. and here we are 10 months later... lol.

censorship

The Real Reason We Need to Stop Trying to Protect Everyone’s Feelings

I have always thought that we should not (and DO not) have complete freedom of speech. there should be truth in advertising and in newsprint and much much more. people should not be allowed to write terrible hateful things in public. people should not be allowed to use public forums to say incendiary or untrue things.

it's true that "your feelings are your problem, not mine — and vice versa." (to a point anyway.) we don't need to listen to every opinion and make room for every hurt feeling. there isn't the time, energy, or need for such. but people should be held accountable for their actions and words.

fyi, this quotation? wow:
“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running around with lit matches.”

the magic of santa

A Battle Over Santa Claus Is Blowing Up a Facebook Group for New York Moms

i figured out the truth about santa claus pretty early on. i very clearly remember going downstairs one christmas morning to find santa's present not neatly wrapped under the tree, but unwrapped and sitting in our fireplace. i think that's all it took for me to figure out that santa wasn't real.

my parents are both immigrants from a place / culture which didn't celebrate christmas and had no santa. my parents had probably asked their coworkers and friends about who he was and his background story but of they still got a few things wrong. either way, i'm glad they tried their best and played along.

as such, i would do the same for my kids, at least until they figured it out. who does it hurt? as an atheiest, christmas isn't even something i particularly participate in, but you can be damn sure my kids will be getting presents from me at christmas! having personal beliefs which run counter to general society are fine and well but your kids shouldn't have to go without a little holiday magic just because you don't personally celebrate a national holiday that our culture is crazy invested in. my kids'll figure out santa when they do. and if they catch on earlier than the other kids, i'll tell them to not ruin it for the believers out there. no need to be a grinch!

it ain’t easy being green

I forget what my 2017 new year’s resolution was. I’m pretty sure it was to eat less beef, which I totally have. I did it because our “regular” cows are terrible for the environment. they hella pollute our land, air, and water. damn things taste so good tho!

this year I’m going to focus on lessening my overall negative environmental impact. starting last week, lol. I’ve always donated lightly used items rather than throwing them away, and have always been careful about conserving electricity and water, and, of course, recycling paper, aluminum, and common plastics. since volunteering with SoCal harvest a number of years ago, I’ve also been pretty aware of my food waste and convinced my dad to get a compost bin for our yard. and I think he’s also on the verge of getting a rain barrel, yahoo! of course, since volunteering with algalita I’ve cut more and more plastics out of my life and have mostly stopped frivolous shopping too.

but the other day, ab said something that really got me thinking. she said that ocean institute had asked her to give a 20 minute talk at their facility down in Dana Point, which is a 60-90 minute drive from here. I said that is they were also willing to compensate her driving time... she said that even so, it wouldn’t be worth the greenhouse gases of driving down there. she is so right!

I don’t mind driving, long distances anyway. and I always try to carpool, take efficient driving routes, and don’t idle my car for more than a couple minutes (more than a minute or two, the co2 released is more than how much you would produce turning off the car and restarting it). but I really don’t think anything of driving 40 minutes away for a meal. and while I think about riding my bike to work, if I’m honest, I haven’t really seriously considered it. well, I’m gonna. ...not bike to work. it’s winter and too damn cold. but if I need to go to stater brothers up the street, I’m going to bike. and when it gets warm again I’m really really going to consider biking to work and especially to practice. and maybe get a skateboard so I won’t drive to whole foods for lunch. ...tho first learning to be way better at skateboarding, ha. tell ya what tho, I’m probably going to eat out less too. it’s not that great for the environment either. I’ll be working at the farmers market once a month anyway so can get locally sourced stuff there. ...now to learn to cook...

I’m really really gonna stop buying bottled shampoo and body wash, even the refill stuff. I’m gonna remember to avoid stuff with palm oil and too many chemicals. I’m going to pay more attention to where my food comes from and try harder to eat locally and less processed stuff and less meat in general. I’m going to start asking more often for “no straw please” and bringing my bento box for leftovers when I do eat out. and more! oy, there’s a lot to remember and do but it’ll totally be worth it!!