amusings

it looks like everyone is getting into the holiday spirt: kalluk meets jack.

no help

so there's a uci undergrad creative writing magazine that's put out every year. the submission deadline is nov 4th. i want to do it. problem is, i don't kno wat i'm going to submit. now, normally i'd just ask reepal to read my stuff and tell me wat he likes. or pull a few out and ask him which he thinks are good. but i've had a few bad experiences wit him and my stuff so i'm hesitent to do so. which sucks. cause, obviously, i'd like to be able to ask him. but anyway. i think for sure i'm gonna submit my squaredance poem that i did in my creative writing class. cause everyone in that class liked it and so did the creative writing team for the cypress mag. i put in a few others that time too but they all really liked that one. so yeah. i think for sure i'll submit that one. i'm also thinking maybe... the literary reference ones? or 'transpire'? yeah i kno. unless you're reepal, you probably don't kno wat i'm refering to. i keep most of my work to mself. except to him. which is rather ironic considering the reception i sometimes get. ::grim laugh:: ::frown::

‘i'm the man in the box’ / ‘feed my eyes now you've sewn them shut’ / ‘won't you come and save me, save me’ ‘he who tries, will be wasted’

 

good god...

i'm tired and have yet another page to update so it's a short one here. did you ever wonder about [the christian] god? how come he's all-powerful and all-benevolent and yet he hasn't gotten rid of all the evil in the world? well, fear not. there is a reason. and a damn good one if you understand it. the website posted here is a good one. it's pretty clear and outlines the major arguments. it also solves the problem of theodicy (basically the problem of evil). it's pretty long tho. and if you're not totally interested in this, skip the soul making stuff (i've always thought it a whack argument anyway. he could've just made us moral): augustine, irenaeus, hick, and madden & hare. i rather like jl mackie's argument and it's a good set up to the 'free will defense' which is generally used to prove that god is consistant cause it's damn good. rowe of course argues against that still (he could've made us good and still wit free will [i agree]). then last is cs lewis. his is really long and not a popular argument so if you're interested, read it for fun. but really. the good ones are makie, rowe and the free will defense. the whole site is good reading tho. if you were to take a phil of religion class you'd go over all these arguments except for maybe lewis (we didn't, and after reading it i can understand why). anyway. damn... this was supposed to be a short update. but if you kno me, you kno how much i love talk about god. the problem of evil. enjoy! and please let me kno wat you think. or if you're confused. i kno a bit of this stuff so we can talk :)

nominated?

so i got this thing in the mail. it's a letter of congratulations on [my] nomination to membership in the Los Angeles World Affairs Council. ...yeah, wat? anyway. keep reading and find out that 'in just the past few months our past speakers have included:' the un sec-general, vp dick cheney, president of pakistan, pm of spain, pm of poland, us comm sec, former cia dir, prince sultan of palestine, etc... huh... read the brochure and find out that every us president since jfk has spoken to them... along wit several kings of the world, prince charles, many presidents, kissinger, mlk jr, albright, dalai lama, sir edmund hillary, powell, dozens of pms... go to their website: www.lawac.org and read their list of directors. guess who's on that list? no princes or kings but eisner's on. and assorted presidents, chancelors, ceos, vps, and chairmen of various companies and organizations including sunkist, la times, mattel, boeing, eanst & young, usc, wells fargo, cal tech, hilton, ucla, toyota, getty trust, etc... so the question is: how the hell did i get 'nominated'? holy cow... someone said that they needed money. but my membership fee is only $25 (the cheapest). another suggestion was my website (cause it's a bit political). but my site is only national politics. not global, which is wat this org is about. another suggestion was that maybe i signed up for something before. but i really don't have an interest in global politics so i'm pretty sure i didn't sign up for anything. anyway. i'm getting tired. so to make a long story a bit longer. i wasn't sure if i wanted to join. but i think i will. just to rub shoulders wit some of these people. :) really tho. it's only $25. and i get invited (still have to pay tho, altho discounted) to guest dinners and guest speeches. pretty cool.

velvet dreams

Muted thoughts diffuse inaudible dreams.

Stifled whispers obscure desperation.

Faint logic pauses velvet shadows in the sky.

A lucid interlude leaves you breathless.

Your murmuring discloses a burning soul.

The secret of my life’s end

     is found in your silky love.

 

 

'who can say if you love grows as your heart chose' / 'who can say why your heart sighs as you love lies' / 'and who can say why your heart cries as your love lies' / 'who knows; only time. who knows; only time...'

'night keeps all your heart'

 

like vs love

like and love are different. but they are both important in a relationship. but which is more? reep said that love is more important in the long run. i agree. but like is terribly important too. i asked him if he liked me. he said yes. i asked him if he liked al2 (code names! al is alisa. al2 is alison. cause i can't type al2's name. i always automatically type al's name. it's annoying as fuck. so fuck it.) more than he liked me. he stalled for a few minutes saying that it was a trick question. i said no it wasn't. cause there's an answer i'd want to hear and one i don't. eventually he said that he likes to talk to her online more. ...yes. so wat does that mean? that he only likes to talk to her online more? or that it is part of everything that he like more about her but decides to say something specific hoping i'll think he likes me more except in this? i asked him. he said he likes me more. but it's too late, cause now i wonder. then later i asked if he likes to talk to her online more than he used to like to talk to me over the phone? he said that he didn't kno. and-- ...you kno wat? this is becoming one hell of a long and boring story. so to cut it short. i wonder about us. do you think he's gonna do it again? like his girl friend more than he likes his girlfriend? i think it's very possible. he says no. eh. tell you wat tho. i'm not going to be strung along forever like al was. if it happens.  i'm gone.

'this feeling's back today' 'same as yesterday' / ''it’s so deceiving, like it’s never leaving' 'been like this for awhile' / 'it’s true that you push me to the point…' / 'it’s never ending, not worth defending' 'i’m finally learning' / 'i think i’ve taken all i’m going to take' / 'this really starts to stink: the bullshit and the baggage that you bring; i’m going to throw it all away'

why is it that...?

you kno how when yo'ure tired you get random crazy thougthts? well i'm tired. and am also too tired to come up wit any crazy thougths on my own. but if you ever need the help: crazythoughts.com. btw, someone (no names here) once told me that s/he didn't see the difference between my regular page and this one. but i think it's obvoius. this one is of links and things i find online. and sometimes it includes social commentary. my other page (now travel log) is about-- well... let's be frank here. it's about reepal. yeah. anyway. hope that's clear now.

blurry

so we didn't exacly make up or anything. but we're normal again. we hung up badly last night. this morning i had a dream that we had made up. he was supposed to call me so we could get together. i woke up to my phone vibrating. i thought it was him cause i was still caught up in my dream. it wasn't. it was my alarm. but that woke me up quick. i texted him we should meet after work. and he came. we talked a little. and i realized that i'm nowhere as stubborn as either he or i thinks. which is a good thing. he's stubborn too tho. more so than me. but i guess i should count my blessings that we aren't equally bad. i'm still not wearing my ring. i put it on this morning and as i was brushing my teeth it slipped off and fell into the sink. i was/am too scared to put it back on. it's a funny thing tho. taking it off. all at once it makes you feel confused (wat am i doing?), powerful (look, i don't need you), sad (i wonder if he'll even notice/care?), introspective (i wonder wat this says?), and stupid (it's just a ring for crying out loud...). it comes in brief little flashes throughout the day too. whenever you notice that you're pushing your ring on more tightly and yet you're not even wearing one. and the thing that goes thru your mind then is sadness. that you've made the concious effort to remove a part of him from you, and thus, a part of you from us. but anyway. it's just a stupid ring, right?

'slow down, stop and think' 'you never want to think' / 'fear… just don’t be afraid' / 'cause everything couldn’t be a dream, another bad dream' / 'wait… you never want to wait' 'cause every time you say good bye, i’ve seen that look a thousand times' 'there’s no more room left inside' / 'cause every time you say good night, i love to watch you close your eyes' 'there’s no more pain left inside' 'flushing it down the drain' / 'it’s gonna be alright'

astronaut pants

having a bad day wit my aol. it's just not working properly and i've had to uninstall and reinstall a few times. but you kno wat always cheers me up? stupid jokes. and really, i guess stupid pick up lines qualify as stupid jokes. cause only a joke would give lines as stupid as these... pickuphelp.com

the open boat

i think i'm getting thinner. in the fingers. ...i'm not losing weight, i'm pretty sure, and yet my rings are no longer fitting properly. i’d moved a ring from my middle finger to my thumb, which worked for a while but now it's loose again. so when i shower, i take it off. today i showered and haven't put it back on again. this ring, it's the ring that reep and i 'share'. i was thinking today in the shower about wat he said when he didn't want it back: he didn't like wearing jewelry. i wonder if that’ll change when/if we get married. altho this question is fast losing it’s importance. instead i find myself wondering if we’ll even last the week. a while ago, he asked me “to please please please not mess up.....as much as I want to believe that you're not going to ‘mess up’... I just don't really believe you have as much control over that as I'd like..” another time he wrote that “i'm..just....SO pessimistic about our future right now.. I feel like, I'm just waiting. Waiting for everything to happen. And then..I don't know...” it has been about a month now. and while i was holding on, being the strong one, and the optimistic one, now i'm not. i think tho, that now we're in the same boat. and i think that now i'm going to just let go. cause as occupied as he is with the idea of me running away, he is oddly unconcerned about pushing me away. it’s funny tho… cause when did i become the type that likes to be told wat to do? somewhere along the line, i did start to become that person. but i have never fully became (and I thought you knew that?). i still do not like being pushed around. they say that the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink. but is this quicksand? i kno that i am sinking…

 

closure highlights: 'breathe, trust, bless me and release' / 'hold my breath til you rupture' / 'branch out behind the pain' / 'you will never belong to me' / 'go on confusing the soul' / 'like a leach, i hold on as if we belonged to some precious pure dream'

fresh start

if you have that song, you should listen to it and pay attention to the lyrics. to quote another who was at a loss for words and found solace in a song: "EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS SONG MUST BE [HEARD]....EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS SONG...IS MEANT TO BE [HEARD]...and MEANT to be UNDERSTOOD...and MEANT to be APPLIED to my thoughts at this very moment of my life. EVERY..SINGLE..WORD." if you kno who wrote this, well, that also gives you another hint of my mindset. hm... so this last month or so has been rather different. to start off the list, i've come to irvine to make a new home for my bastard child. ...wait. that's not me. well, i have come to irvine, anyway. but more to come to school. i would add also to escape the wretchedness of home living but then i've only found my way to crushing monotony. which, believe it or not, isn't all that much better. and more than just feeling bored most of the time, i feel lost and alone. anyway. i don't have a whole lot of time here and i'm being sidetracked by another project but in summery. so: all my relationships have changed;  some for the better, some for the worse.

and in closing, here're some highlights to that song: 'wat's the going rate on life vs love?' 'wat's the going rate on you vs me?' 'wat's the going rate on making this right?' 'are we running out of time?' / 'i'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me' 'it's hard to believe in the things i trust the most' 'there're so many signs, how many ways can i deceive my yesterday?' '...i have wasted so much, on everything but this.' / 'can you be bigger than this? can you be stronger than this?' / 'everything's waiting on you. everything's focused on you. to do wat you should do.'

travel log

made a new journal cause i can't update my trips and travels. it's in the same style as this page (colors too) and it also follows the travel theme i've built up. and because it's gonna be a longer update (i'm thinking) i leave you wit a short little link. it's a pretty cool site. run your pointer over some of the graphics and watch the borders and such move. neave.com

making the band!!

have you always wanted to be a part of a band? well you can't! but you can put one together: createbands.com - create a band online. it's the coolest thing ever! btw. i did of lots variations but i liked this one a lot: kristie (2), hardcore paul (5), djbeejay (2), rachel (2), and mc mike (2). they're called sumpter. now go make a band too!

a pair of parodies

ready for another hilarious flash comedy? then get ready to watch iraq witout me as sung by the real hussein. btw, on the right side of this page there are other funny things to watch too. but if you're busier and would rather just listen to funny music then go to cyberparodies.com, which features funny songs.

cancerous cell phones...

oh holy crap...: "study links cell phones and tumors." okay, so it is a benign tumor, not cancer. but still! do you want something foreign growing in your head? sheesh. i don't even want something not of me growing on my head...

song and dance

for some funny videos making fun of both kerry and bush: jibjab.com

ed, the singing horse?

silly and stupid but lots of fun: hogafflahage (make sure you turn on your sound!).