aziz

I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life

this article brings up the questions of what is sexual assault and what is consent?

personally, i don't think this was assault: he didn't physically force her to do anything, he stopped when she "no, i really don't think i'm ready to do this." he didn't restrain her from leaving, he didn't even verbally try to convince her of much. that being said, i would've felt uncomfortable with him too. he's a lot more aggressive that i prefer, but i wouldn't have remained naked with him for hour, gone down on him twice, and stuck around for tv. obviously he should have paid better attention to her non-verbal cues, but then, staying naked and giving blowjobs are much clearer non-verbal cues.

i much more agree with this assessment of what happened: Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader.

i don't want to diminish what Grace feels but i think she needs to take some responsibility for her actions. i don't think that only a clearly enunciated "no" means no, but what does "let's relax for a sec" even mean? to me it says, let's stop for a bit and reassess. in other words, let's maybe continue doing what we're doing.

people aren't mind readers. you can't give super mixed signals, be unclear in your verbage, then accuse someone of a crime. that's fucked up. she had a bad sexual encounter but it's as much her fault as his. he should have been more attentive; she should have been more clear. she should have said what she wanted or didn't want. instead she passively expressed her disinterest by no longer touching him or kissing him, and moving away from him on the couch. you can't give up your agency and be offended when people don't notice what you're not saying.

i understand that sometimes it can be hard to say no. that sometimes you freeze up and "let" things happen to you. but she should understand that her passivity played a role in this situation too. things likely wouldn't have escalated or have gone on that long had she just said no. for her to lay the entire blame on him seems really unfair.

looks don't matter

The problem with calling Harvey Weinstein ugly
Body-shaming men is deeply unprogressive — even if they’re accused of sex crimes.

this! yes! does being ugly give the excuse to sexually assault someone? no, of course not. and if it doesn't matter what the victim looked/dressed like, how would the aggressor's looks matter?

"Why should we care about someone like Weinstein (or Rose) being body-shamed? ... It also distracts from the problem with what he did, which has nothing to do with his looks. What made these acts abusive is the lack of consent, not the appearance of the predators. And that perpetuates rape culture. As long as we keep acting as if sexual abuse is wrong because the abuser is physically unattractive or sexually deviant, abusers deemed attractive and “normal” will be more likely to get away with it."

also, "One unfortunate effect of this is that we consider conventionally unattractive people less credible victims of sexual assault or harassment." and that's equally fucked up.

sexual assault and harassment aren't always about the sex itself, or even about attraction. it often has nothing to do with one's physical appearance. of either party. that's why people who could "get some anyway" are sometimes rapists.

why are you __?

I Spent A Week Asking Coupled-Up People Why They're In Relationships

as someone who did not except to find myself in a relationship so soon after my last one, i think this is actually an awesome question that needs to be asked more often!

personally, i'm in one, and this one specifically, because we like each other and i'm happy being with him. when i first started dating i was just looking for fun. i wanted to meet new people, do/see/eat new things,etc. when i started seeing j, i figured he would be fun for a while (maybe a couple months) before i lost interest and moved on. as i do. but a handful of dates in i realized i actually liked him and didn't want to waste my time getting to know people i would probably like less. (i didn't ask him to stop seeing others; i didn't care what he was doing.) i was going to give it a few dedicated months and move on. and here we are 10 months later... lol.

censorship

The Real Reason We Need to Stop Trying to Protect Everyone’s Feelings

I have always thought that we should not (and DO not) have complete freedom of speech. there should be truth in advertising and in newsprint and much much more. people should not be allowed to write terrible hateful things in public. people should not be allowed to use public forums to say incendiary or untrue things.

it's true that "your feelings are your problem, not mine — and vice versa." (to a point anyway.) we don't need to listen to every opinion and make room for every hurt feeling. there isn't the time, energy, or need for such. but people should be held accountable for their actions and words.

fyi, this quotation? wow:
“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running around with lit matches.”