roots

eric liu - the accidental asian

a few years back, a chinese friend and i both went to china for the first time. (we traveled separately, but it happened to be the same year). i remember her saying something about how nice it was "being with my people." i can't remember if she also said the oft used "felt like going home." either way, i had / have no idea what she meant.

going to china was like visiting any other famous foreign country. i'd already seen some of the sights on tv, so they were visually familiar to me. but everything else was just a part of the traveling experience: the excitement, confusion, anticipation...

of course, going to china was "easier" for me than it was for the other volunteers i was with because none of them spoke chinese. while i'm far from fluent i have few problems with basic conversations. i also immediately recognized / adapted to certain cultural norms: swarming instead of waiting in line; crossing the street pretty much whenever instead of waiting for a red light; never receiving thank you, you're welcome, or bless you... but i had no feelings of belonging. which, honestly, i was kind of hoping for.

if anything, i almost felt like more of a foreigner. locals didn't recognize that i wasn't one of them. but as soon as they did, they would ask me where i was from. often times they would grill me about how much i knew about my ancestral heritage and homeland. which was very little. they would usually express appreciation that i knew at least something (the language, where my dad was born), but there was always an underlying disbelief / disapproval at how little i knew. how i could be so, well, foreign. in short, they made me feel guilty that i wasn't more chinese. (though who knows, maybe i was overly sensitive and it was a self imposed guilt-trip ...tho i know it wasn't completely me).

at one point during my trip though, i felt like i actually connected with my ancestral past. i was in the shanghai museum, admiring the beautiful old things but not understanding any of the significance. but wouldn't you know it, i was actually really interested! i felt wonder at how "my people" made this stuff. i felt proud that i was part of a civilization that could make such beautiful and advanced things. it was completely different than anything i'd ever experienced in a "western" museum, where i understood more because of my western education, but had no emotional investment other than "wow that's amazing."

it never ends...

been having problems with rip again.

last year he went out with his friends. the next day we were talking, and i asked him what they did. "we went to a strip club!" ...i have a problem with that. feminist issues aside, i'm a bit paranoid about him. and no, not because i'm a crazy person, but because we started our relationship with him cheating on me. (and yeah, i know. i'm a complete fucking idiot for staying, but i do see the best in people, and i believe people can change if they really want to. and i'll always believe you when you tell me that you want to change.). anyway, the main issue i had with him going is that he fucking knew i would have a problem with it. but he went anyway. because he didn't think i would break up with him over it. (true story!) which is like... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? you're okay with hurting your girlfriend because she's not going to break up with you over it? wow, you must really love her. and, he didn't tell me in advance. he just went. and he didn't tell me until later (cause we had an extended conversation before he told me. and i had to ask him for him to tell me).

anyway, so i broke up with him. for, like, a couple days. he came over and we talked about it. i said "look. it's strippers or stephanie. make up your mind now." "but what about tom's bachelor party?" he wanted to know. "i likely would've given you a pass but you already used it up, so you don't get another." he said he had to think about it. ... he decided to stay. and after some thinking i felt that it was important for him to be a good friend to tom. so if that was what tom really wanted, then i wouldn't be mad if he went once more.

rip planned tom's bachelor party (he's the best man). it was sunday. they went atv'ing. he texted me during their lunch break about how much fun it was. around 11:45pm that night, i texted him before going to sleep that i missed him, and had hoped he would call but i guess he was still out. he texted back to say they were are ralph's getting alcohol. i wished him well and reminded him to drive safe and sober. he said he would.

i called him the next day at 2pm to wake him up for work. we talked for ~45 minutes about the day before: how was it, did everyone have fun, blahblahblah. i ask him what they did after dinner, expecting him to say "we went to ralphs and got alcohol then went to tom's place and had some drinks". instead he says (and i'm sure you know where this is going) "we went to a strip club!" ..."what?" long story short: tom really wanted to go. "why didn't you tell me before you went?" "oh... i didn't know i was supposed to." i hung up on him.

i'm so mad. i'm so mad that he didn't tell me beforehand. like we agreed. he just... he does this. he does things he knows i don't like and he tells me about them later. matter of fact. he doesn't try to ease me into it (altho he did when he smoked pot for the first time the other week, which i don't have a problem with as long as it isn't habitual). he doesn't remember our agreements. he doesn't try to make me like he feels bad about hurting me. he doesn't give a shit. "well im sorry I forgot to tell you beforehand" he texts later when i text him to say i'm no longer going with him the vegas the next day. "well yea, i dont like telling you things ur not going to Want to hear. So I told you everything else first. U kno i get around to tellin u anyway tho." he gets around to it, he says. and isn't that so thoughtful of him?

i try my best to be an understanding girlfriend. i forgave him for cheating. i stayed wit him after the second time. i stayed even when he wouldn't stop talking to her (even when she was basically sending him mash notes though she was in a relationship with one of his best friends). i stayed even after the thing with the other girl, and after all our fights about his whore of a friend who habitually starts a new relationship when still in one... everything. i even gave him a pass about this bachelor party thing. and he still managed to completely fuck up.

i really didn't think they were going to go. it wasn't planned. and when i texted him near midnight and it was easter sunday (i guess horny men and loose girls never get tired...). and i was hoping that if it was brought up, he would think of me. be considerate of me. i just wanted, for once, for him to be a great boyfriend and say "hey, tom, i already gave you a great bachelor party. i'm tired, and stephanie would have a really big problem with me going, so i'm out. i'll see you later. have fun."

btw, can i just say, he's not even a good best man. he told me that he didn't want to be a best man. he waited for month to get started in planning that bachelor party. i asked him about it, i gave suggestions, i even did a bunch of research on the atv stuff for him. basically, he couldn't give a fuck about being a good best man and doing what tom really wants. really, he couldn't give less than a fuck about me either. he just cares about himself.

i've said this to him before, "i don't know what love even means to you." now i realize that i was wrong, he does love me. he just doesn't care about me.

after all this i don't know what's going to happen. i so constantly feel let down by him and hurt by him. i feel like the biggest idiot. as if i shouldn't expect my boyfriend of 12 years to just love me more than himself.

i want him to try to prove to me that he loves me. he doesn't fight for me, you know. i hang up and he doesn't call back. he doesn't try to convince me that he's sorry. his apologies (as you have seen) are half-assed. he doesn't tell me (i can't remember if he ever did) that he wants to not hurt me, hates hurting me, even if by accident. that he wants me to be happy. wants to make me happy.

i just want to feel like i'm important to him. but maybe it really is too much to ask...

moonrise

march 10th's astronomy picture of the day!

so rude!

we swore we'd never become one of them. yet we have anyway. who are we talking about? those rude-asses who are always on their phones, checking their email, facebook comments, newsfeeds, games... yup. the people who can't keep eye contact with you during a short conversation because what's on their phone is just so goddamn important.

honestly, i do think i'm better than a lot of the people i know. some people have to charge their phones more than once a day (i usually get two days out of a charge, tho i do turn off my phone at night [approx 7.5 hours] so i'm sure that helps). rip is forever checking his email. tho whenever i ask him if he got something from me, he says no, because he has so much other [junk] email to get through (which actually makes me mad [not just annoyed], because since when did it become the sender's responsibility to make sure you read your email?!) another one of my friends texted through most of a "concert" we were at, even though we were in the front row and within 10 feet of the performers. and to make it worse, at least some of those texts were with the person sitting right next to her (not me, the other guy!).

and no, it's not because i don't have unlimited data or texting. i never come even close to my data limit, and usually only use about half of my texting. it's just because i realize that i'd be a rude-ass hypocrite!

...which, actually, i still am! ... so i'm going to do it less. i won't check my phone during meals with you (unless you leave the table). and i'll only either check my email, twitter, games, or google+. not all of them at once cause that can take forever.

though if i do this, you got to promise me you'll supply interesting conversation topics, because if you don't, i'll kick you hard enough to leave the table so can check the news when you're gone!

everyday

i was on vacation with rip recently and at the end of it we had accumulated a number of plastic bottles and some random clean paper trash. i said that i wished i could take home the plastic bottles to recycle them, but that i didn't have the space in my luggage. i did pack up our paper waste, however. rip made a comment about "i know you like your 'drop-in-a-bucket' thing but..." and i said something about how if you make the same decisions every day, it gets easier to make them.

i keep thinking about my reply and how true it is. not just about recycling, but about everything. seriously, everything. we're creatures of habit, and if you take small steps in changing your lifestyle (or whatever) eventually it will no longer be a real decision anymore, it's just be normal.

and this is some of the same reasoning behind the "drop-in-the-bucket" philosophy. no, you don't have the time today to clean our your whole closet. but you do have the time everyday to look at five pieces of clothing and decide what you want to keep, throw away, or donate. after a few weeks (or months) you'll have a clean closet. that "going-to-take-up-my-entire-weekend project" is now done. sure, in a way way it took up more time, but in a way it also took way less time. and you probably didn't stress about the whole thing as much.

and as i said earlier, if you make the same small decisions everyday, eventually you won't be making an effort to keep it up. so if you spend every night, for months, looking at five things in your closet until your wardrobe is nicely organized, you'll probably continue with this habit. you'll either keep your closet clean from now on, or you'll parse it down even more, or hopefully you'll move onto cleaning out your pantry supplies or bookshelf or something.

sanitation twins

hehe, i love to recycle but this video is hilarious. and it also definitely makes me want to watch the show. :)