mixed signals..

reep says that it seems like i'm always arguing wit him. but can i help it if he's always wrong? lol. seriously tho. i don't argue if i think he's right. wat would be the point? and so i guess it does come down to that i think he's wrong a lot... :( but should i just shut up and let him think the wrong thing? i do feel that i drop a lot of things. like... i won't say anithing. but sometimes i don't. and i guess that bothers him? i don't kno. i'd want someone to voice their opinions to me. esp if they thought i was wrong. that way we can learn from each other and grow. but i guess maybe it seems a bit too often. i dunno... and he was saying about an earlier incident that he was being nice to me. but i don't remember thinking that he was being nice. in fact, i was thinking just the opposite. he said then that i should be thankful that he was being nice. that put me off a bit and i responded that maybe he ought to reevaluate his definition of being nice. he said 'no'. ... mind you, i did not argue wit him this time altho i was seriously disagreeing. anyway. that makes me sad tho: that we think we're being nice but not only do they not noticice but that they think we're being the opposite.i guess that's the way it is often tho. you think you looks stellar. others think you look like shit. that's why people pile on the perfume too. :( it's a sad sad world.

'you think it's crazy to think there's nothing to hide' / 'there's a million suggestions, wit a million intentions' / 'you leave us here with nothing' /'if we only knew the truth about wat really goes on, and wat you say behind closed doors more than just a lie or two' / 'if we only knew the truth about it, maybe we could work our way around it' / 'if we only knew the truth about wat really goes on, maybe all the things i do would make sense just for once'

shackled

found this article online today: love in translation. pretty interesting stuff. esp the stuff on chile. mainly tho. i love the word play. and altho my chinese isn't very good i can't think of anything funny like that for us. ...actually. i don't really kno wat the individual words for marriage means... so maybe it actually means something like 'end of fun' who knows?

divided we stand

went to the bookstore today to get ellison's invisible man. pretty good book so far (besides the prolouge). so i went to the literature section of the bookstore and was unable to find either the book or anything else by him. which was odd... so i went to the comp and looked him up. guess wat section he's in? 'african american literature' ...that's kind of ironic. many of the authors in this category wrote about prejudice, discrimination and segregation. and yet they are once again segregated. maybe tho, some would want this? to be highlighted, so that the customer may more easily see and be left to ponder on their experiences? but really. i would think that most would object to their seperation. wat is it really for anyway?

obliquely askance

...i am feeling... irrelevant. al has been coming up a lot lately. reep ran into her bro at school and they talked. he then saw someone that looked like her at his school today. i asked him if it were her, would he have talked to her. he said yes. eugene (from jaws hs db) told me that i should be thankful that at least he is truthful. but should i be thankful for wat is to be expected? he also said that he misses her. should i be thankful for this too? that he is truthful? or should i feel hurt (as i do) that it is true at all? reep doesn't understand why. he's bad at that. thinking like others. putting himself in their shoes. ting says that he's naive (but i don't think that's wat she meant). we're all at a loss of words tonight. ting too is hurting: "My heart breaks right now, it feels like its been torn in two not because someone broke it, but because it's hard watching people, people who mean so much to me, go through this and  feel so helpless." she at least can find solace in god. and i? eugene suggested that i take a break for an hour and do something that i love. but i can't. i haven't my car. my heart too, breaks right now. ...eugene says i should ask reep until i get a straight answer. why does he miss her? why does she mean so much to him? why can't he let her go? he thinks that reep knows the answer but won't tell me because it would be too hard. ...i thought i was to be thankful that he was truthful? reep hasd told me many times that if we were to break up we'd not be friends. he says it's because he loves me so much. he also tells me that he wants to be her friend because he used to be. but was i not your friend too? and longer before. longer during. and deeper throughout? i wonder sometimes if this is worth it. al won't go away. and unfortunatly, i can't call up lacuna and erase her. and quite significantly, reep won't/can't let her go. this is all very distressing, disapointing, and depressing. he keeps telling me that he loves me. does he think that loving makes it better? cause no. it only makes it worse. ting asked if this is the 'camel that broke the needle's back'. and no, it won't be. it will be, however, another dent in this battered heat of mine. however, this subject of reep and al this will be that camel (crazy ting, mixing two idioms together...). i'm quite sure of it. i've always wanted very badly for that not to be it. i always wanted to think of myself as stronger and better than that. but i guess i'm not. you kno my biggest regret in life thus far? asking reepal out. my god. everything would have been so much better if that hadn't happened. it's too late tho. i can't take it back. ...i'm very unsettled tonight. my heart is... heavy feeling. and yet. it floats in my chest. its odd contrast forcing me to pay attention. .

'i'm so paranoid; i'm all incased and i can't escape' / 'nobody's perfect but you just can't see' 'my life's a circus that you don't believe' / 'cause if you want you can have everything that i've got' 'cause if you want you can take it all away from me' / 'you're saying something but not coming clean' / 'she's living in her dreams'

eternal sunshine

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this weekend. it's a good movie. for those of you who haven't seen it, you should. but anyway. kate's character erases her memory of jim's chracter. he finds out and in revenge erases his memory of her. but during the erasing he starts to remember why he loved her and wants to stop the process. alas, it's too late... was wondering if i'd want to erase my memory of anything. if reep and i broke up, would i erase him? no. but would i erase al? and i think so. even tho there's that saying that goes something like, cheat me once shame on you; cheat me twice shame on me. but then essentially  i'm already shamed on, no? but really. do i think it would happen again? no, i don't. so why do i stress so much then? cause i can't get it out of my mind. but wat if i could? i would. i really would. and it's not to say that all my problems would be cured. and it's not like our relationship would then become perfect. but if i could just get rid of this one thing... this one all-invasive and omnipotent thing... things would be a hell of a lot better. not just for us, but for me. course, i wouldn't go easy. i've never been one to. i'd probably make reep forget something too. i don't kno wat tho. mexico? danny? eh. you kno wat? actually, i think i'd be okay if he forgot nothing. yeah. i'd be okay wit that... wat about you? would you forget?

'you seem the only one' / 'but if love is really love, it can never fail; but fail it does' 'i don’t mind most of the time. but you push me so far inside' 'it’s like i’ve come undone. and i’ve only just become inflatable for you' / 'you’re so pretty... pretty when you’re faithful, when you’re faithful' / 'when i believe in you, the soul can rest'

kaleidoscope

so i don't kno why i haven't posted this yet but in case you were wondering about my living situation and the kaleidoscope house here's a link to us. i'm part of the agent house (in fact, my name plate is neo!!!) and our ha [house advisor] hasn't really done much for our half of the site but enjoy!