it is

rip just hung up on me. he's really uncomfortable about the guy i met in china thing. i don't blame him. but at the same time i wish he'd just... be cool. lol? i mean. nothing happened and the feelings left weeks ago.

for the last few years i've had the philosophy that if he cheats, then he does. there's nothing i can do (nor should i do) to stop it. it's his decision. i most likely wouldn't ever find out either. he goes on his trips with his friends or for work* and i don't know any of these people. so why would they tell me? i don't check up on him (read his email, or pm's, or his texts [usually!!]). so it would be up to him to let me know. i also don't ask him questions about stuff. (randomly asking if he cheated on me or whatever.) he should just tell me. and if he hasn't been telling me, he probably won't just cause i ask him about it.

rip, i guess, feels differently. he occasionally asks if i've cheated on him. which always makes me feel like i should ask back, haha. but honestly, i don't care. i do trust him. and even if i don't totally completely fully trust him, i trust him enough to believe what he tells me.

a while ago i read an article about emotional vs physical cheating. it said that men care more about physical cheating, women care about emotional. i'm still pretty much on the fence, but maybe leaning towards physical is worse. you can't help who you're attracted to. but you should know your boundaries (and those of your relationship) and not cross them. you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you may be tempted to cheat. rip, at the time, and maybe still now, cares more about physical cheating. he wouldn't tolerate me cheating on him. and i wouldn't be able to forgive him again either. if anything, him physically cheating would be worse, because i would feel like nothing's changed. i've already come to accept that in this relationship i won't ever feel like i'm enough for him. so him emotionally cheating just comes along with the territory. ...and yes, i know how that sounds.

i don't try to "get back" at him. i know that my "picking up" random people makes him uncomfortable but, since i do both girls and guys i don't really feel too bad about it. it just so happens that i've retained more of the guys than girls. i am good with strangers. esp one on one. and for many years, my best friends were guys. over the course of our relationship i've let go of many guy friends, for whatever reasons, but some of it is cause rip was my best friend before we got together and he hates every guy friend i have. the last few years tho, i stopped caring so much about his jealousy. he never took mine seriously and so i guess i'm just becoming more like him, apathetic to my significant other's reasoning*. i guess what it really comes down to is that i know me. and i trust me. even if you don't.

you can't control someone else. you can't make them feel the way you do. and i've run aground so many times in our relationship that i've just given up on it. you are who you are. and that's it.

i'd crazy appreciate if you'd decide that i'm worth you giving things up, but if don't want to, i shouldn't make you.

...i've had a weird couple of weeks i guess. having to explain my relationship to people always gets me down cause it's so damn complicated. (and no, china guy doesn't know anything, not that that even matters) and then the guy from taiwan sort of suddenly pops up in my life again and rip responds "i don't ever want to meet that guy" when i ask him if he wants to go to a party taiwan guy is throwing for a friend. ...i wish... i keep thinking about lot's wife, actually, tho i know she doesn't apply. i guess, for a long time i felt like lot, looking at my wife, wishing for anything that i could change her back to human. and i've been here for so long, just wishing, that little did i realize, but i'm turning into a pillar of salt myself.