the "list"

jillian straus - unhooked generation: the truth about why we're still single was a pretty good read. something interesting she brings up is 'letting go of your list'. a lot of people have a list of qualities they want their significant other to have, which sounds like a pretty good idea. but for some, this list is an absolute, if their date is missing even one item, they are automatically taken out of contention. no more dates! which can be pretty dangerous, especially if your list describes the perfect man or woman, cause there is no such person.

when i was a kid, i had a list: born in america, can sing, taller than me, older than me. and it's funny, but i have yet to date anyone with all the qualities. a few years ago i came up with another list. i don't remember what was on the list, but i know there were three items, and one of them was: able to hold a conversation.

in the book, some of the people interviewed have much more specific lists. this is one guy's 25 item list: loves children; hard working; has the ability to listen and communicate; poised; a team player; looks good / sexy; balance--the ability to keep things in perspective; enthusiastic / love of life; shows initiative; knows how to be a friend; patience; has religious conviction; determined and persistent; considerate of others; has self-control, has faith that things will work out; loyal; ambitious; loves sports; loves music; loves to travel; good mental, physical, emotional condition; sense of humor; alert; the ability to be herself.

honestly, this does sound like a good list. i probably wouldn't want to date someone who didn't have most of these qualities. but when you actually have a list, you'll be so focused on it that you'll lose whatever else comes up. and i don't think anyone is looking to date someone who isn't considerate of others, but you'll naturally come to notice their selfishness so there's no need for a checklist. or what if on the first date you find that this person is perfectly content with their current job as a grade school teacher. not ambitious enough you say!! but what if this was their life-long dream? and what if they're more ambitious when it comes to fitness or something? but you'll never discover that because you'll already have written her off.

my old boss didn't want to date his current girlfriend because she's not chinese (not that he's truly racist, but his mom doesn't speak good english so a chinese speaking person from the same background as him would just make a long-term relationship easier). other than that one thing tho, she seemed really great. i encouraged him to date her and just see what happened. two years later, they're still together and he plans to propose by the end of the year.

anyway, if you're one of those looking for long lasting love but are also holding onto a really long and detailed list, maybe let a go a little and see who comes your way.


...btw, i asked rip about his list. and he said that his new list (if we broke up) would have some opposite things of me, like, not a feminist and someone who doesn't care about the environment. i made a joke about it, but honestly, i was pretty hurt by his comment. i think that being a feminist and an environmentalist shows that i care about much more than myself. i care about global issues, i worry about future generations (even tho i don't plan to have children), i am not a selfish dimwit. but hey, if he wants to date someone who prefers to think only of her very small circle of influence, then that's hardly something i can control. it does bother me though, that he might prefer someone who chooses to be so unaware because what does that say about him? i do think he's not terribly empathetic or even particularly conscientious. but maybe the real problem is that he prefers to self-absorbed. which leads to the question of "will he ever love me the way i want to be loved?"