down under in china

whoa. i can actually update from here. how incredible is that? at any rate, i'm in some internet cafe right now. i've been online once before and had read a couple emails from reep. i wrote one back (yes this is gonna be a post about reepal. silly me for thinking that across the f*cking pacific he couldn't hurt me anymore). a super super long one and ran out of time afterwards. at any rate. he wrote back and pretty much accused me of all this stupid shit... i don't feel like getting into it. i just... i'm so disappointed. seriously. i wrote him an email back that said something along the lines of "it makes me wonder why i'm even missing you" ...i feel like such a fool. ...i kno that i really ought to just behave better and write him some letter apologizing for my last one and telling him how much i love and miss him but... .

'you were the one who abandoned me' 'i am on the brink of losing everything' 'hanging on the edge of every word [he] says' / '[he] stabs deep into me' 'and i too blind to see what this has done to me' '[he] stabs deep into me' 'and i [wish i was ]too numb to feel this anymore' / 'i am patiently waiting here to see' 'which of us survives' 'when all of this collides with reality'

departure

you'll be the first flight out of dallas

you’ll leave but never get away

from the color you swear that your life takes in this town

cause scenery is just a shade

you live in regret

it hurts to know how much you’ll miss

 

i want to make it feel alright

hold your through the dark tonight

 

so what if now is all you have?

live as if you never knew what it was to lose

honestly, have you ever been honest wit your self

or are you someone else’s point of view?

 

you live in regret

it hurts to know much you’ll miss

it’s what you expect

that leaves you such a mess

 

i want to make it feel alright

hold you through the dark tonight

i want to make it feel alright

hold you through the dark tonight

 

one day you’ll learn

no place will make you happier

 

are you someone else’s point of view?

are you someone else’s point of view?

 

i want to make it feel alright

hold you through the dark tonight

itinerary

08/04/05  DEPART LOS ANGELES,  0140A

ARRIVE BEIJING, P.R. 0520A+

 

08/05/05  DEPART BEIJING, P.R. 0730A

ARRIVE XI AN-XIANYAN 0915A

 

09/04/05  DEPART XI AN-XIANYAN 0100P

ARRIVE BEIJING, P.R. 0240P

 

09/20/05  DEPART SHANGHAI, P.R 1235P

ARRIVE BEIJING, P.R. 0240P

 

09/20/05  DEPART BEIJING, P.R. 0800P

ARRIVE LOS ANGELES,  0515P

flee(t)ing

'taking all what others have hassled'
'looking back to darker days getting me down'
'and if this is chaos i [hate] clamor'

'but it makes sense to me, you [don't] make sense to me'
'when it all falls down, i'll still be right here'
'when it all falls down, [will we] still be right here'?
'once in a lifetime, i could feel this way'
'once in a lifetime, you could feel it too'

retreat

i'm leaving for china latish romrow night. i'm glad. there has been so much ish going on lately. and sometimes so much unhappiness that i simply don't kno why i bother to try. i discovered a few months ago that i care too much about making those closest to me happy. and recently, altho i've tried to do better, i have only failed. i feel as tho i have let down everyone lately. esp me. and i gotta say that i am damn relieved to be able to get away for a while. i think it's sad that my biggest wish right now isn't that things get better, or that everyone is happy, or that everything works out. but that i can simply stop caring. i wish to be apathetic. the feelings are killing me.

'we give and we give but its all for nothing; its all for nothing' 'we try to resist but i give everything and its all for nothing' 'so the panic sets and cycles' 'cause after all of this it’s all or nothing' / 'and you'll lie to all your friends about sights ou never saw' 'and you'll preach to all the press about what you don't know at all' / 'i’m through choking and suffocating on alter egos and ulterior motives which weigh you down' 'the life you live and the dreams that you dream distort and blur all in slow motion' 'they broke you down and now you're broken' / 'so let me drown so i can breathe again' 'cause its no secret i fucking need this like i don’t need anyone' / 'still i wouldn’t try to fight' / 'i lost all interest and i stopped wearing these plastic smiles i’ll wash my hands clean' / 'i'll forget that you forgot about me and i’ll live the life' / 'i don’t know you anymore and it’s sadder than the saddest movie i ever saw but without the beauty'
'so i'll stop watching, i'll stop caring'