retreat

i'm leaving for china latish romrow night. i'm glad. there has been so much ish going on lately. and sometimes so much unhappiness that i simply don't kno why i bother to try. i discovered a few months ago that i care too much about making those closest to me happy. and recently, altho i've tried to do better, i have only failed. i feel as tho i have let down everyone lately. esp me. and i gotta say that i am damn relieved to be able to get away for a while. i think it's sad that my biggest wish right now isn't that things get better, or that everyone is happy, or that everything works out. but that i can simply stop caring. i wish to be apathetic. the feelings are killing me.

'we give and we give but its all for nothing; its all for nothing' 'we try to resist but i give everything and its all for nothing' 'so the panic sets and cycles' 'cause after all of this it’s all or nothing' / 'and you'll lie to all your friends about sights ou never saw' 'and you'll preach to all the press about what you don't know at all' / 'i’m through choking and suffocating on alter egos and ulterior motives which weigh you down' 'the life you live and the dreams that you dream distort and blur all in slow motion' 'they broke you down and now you're broken' / 'so let me drown so i can breathe again' 'cause its no secret i fucking need this like i don’t need anyone' / 'still i wouldn’t try to fight' / 'i lost all interest and i stopped wearing these plastic smiles i’ll wash my hands clean' / 'i'll forget that you forgot about me and i’ll live the life' / 'i don’t know you anymore and it’s sadder than the saddest movie i ever saw but without the beauty'
'so i'll stop watching, i'll stop caring'