s'more s'mores!

ah the holidays. ain't nothing like curling up in a blanket and sitting by the fire toasting s'mores. but if you got too much stuff in front of your fireplace like i do, get a handy dandy s'more maker! aw... i'n't that cute?

for me?

feel like getting me something for christmas? how about a first edition of human bondage by my all-time favorite author somerset maugham? well, for $4000, maybe i'd just you rather get me a freakin bike (...well damn. was gonna put up a link for a ducati at that price but can't find one! sheesh....)

taking a stance

reep said that he cannot be wit someone who wants to drink. i asked if my not actually drinking made any difference. one can only control wat they do, not how they feel. he said no, it doesn't matter. i, however, think it ought. not to mention, i've had this issue before (regarding porn or al) and he did not quite understand, and yet he's doing the same thing. i can't get too angry tho. just the other week i was saying how proud i was of annie cause she stood up for wat she believed in, even tho her pledge sisters could not understand. yet it seems that here i am condemning reepal for breaking up wit me over something he obviously cares very much about. i just wish he didn't have such a strong stance against something i'm okay wit. well anyway... i of all people should be able to understand the way he feels.

'i'm young but i'm wise enough to know that you don't fall in love over night. that's why i thought if i took my time that everything in love would be right. but as soon as i closed my eyes I was sayin' to love ‘goodbye’'

finals sminals...

ah... if only finals were as easy as this case of cops following a trail of donuts to solving a crime. or maybe our teachers could just give us the answers, as this couple actually telling the cops that their pot had been stolen. most students however, feel more like these hitch-hikers who were forced to dig up a coffin. confused before, bewildered during, and even more perplexed afterwards...

kundera was wrong

mood: depressed and exhausted

as you may kno. this weekend has been exhuasting. i am... severely unsteady right now and am unable to do anything. and yet there is so much that needs to be done. ...if anything i just want to curl up and die. just... leave everything and everyone behind. ...i wish i could just stop thinking. stop all these thoughts crashing in my mind and have only nothing. i wish to fill myself wit emptyness. right now i feel that only this will soothe me and take me away from the exhaustion known as life. chang was complaining that she wished she could just feel for someone. i wish the opposite. it is only when you care that you are hurt. and if is only when you care that you are never free. whether from pressure, sadness, disapointment, or loss. maugham said that the "tragedy of love is indifference." and while it maybe be so of love, one can hardly say it is the same of happiness. god save me from the unbearable heaviness of being.

'he that pushes me along, and leaves me so desperate and ravenous, so weak and powerless, promised i would find a little solace and some peace of mind.' so 'little angel, go away, come again some other day; the devil has my ear today, i'll never hear a word you say;' for i am 'tilling my own grave to keep me level,' 'digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren'

fraidy cat

alektorophobia: fear of chickens
bogyphobia: fear of bogeys or the bogeyman
coulrophobia: fear of clowns
dendrophobia: fear of trees
euphobia: fear of hearing good news
frigophobia: fear of cold or cold things
geniophobia: fear of chins
homichlophobia: fear of fog
isopterophobia: fear of termites, insects that eat wood
japanophobia: fear of japanese
kosmikophobia: fear of cosmic phenomenon
lutraphobia: fear of otters
mnemophobia: fear of memories
novercaphobia: fear of your stepmother
ophthalmophobia: fear of being stared at
paraskavedekatriaphobia: fear of friday the 13th
ranidaphobia: fear of frogs
sciophobia: fear of shadows
textophobia: fear of certain fabrics
urophobia: fear of urine or urinating
verbophobia: fear of words
wiccaphobia: fear of witches and witchcraft
xanthophobia: fear of the color yellow or the word yellow
zemmiphobia: fear of the great mole rat

and, finally, there is panophobia, or the fear of everything.

purported support

told reepal tonight to grow up. on one hand, i hate asking him if he's done his hw. i feel like a nag. and really, you're old enough, can't you handle your own damn responsibilities? and yet... he's smart enough that he's always gotten by. and he's lucky enough that he's always just made it. and yet he is living far below his potential (look who's talking...). it makes me sad and angry at the same time. i worry about him. he doesn't sleep much, you kno. and when he does it's so sporadic. either for snatches here and there or for most of the day. they say that these people become diabetic. and he eats so much fast food. which isn't good for him either. and he's so fucking thin! ...he complains that he doesn't like school and that he'd rather spend his time programming. and yet he jeordizes an ealier graduation by not doing well in school. and when he does get the free time, he so often wastes it by watching tv or by doing nothing online. then he complains that he hasn't any free time... he's smart and lucky. but someday those smarts won't be enough. and luck is so something you can't count on... i just... i'm so frustrated... ...it suddenly occurs to me that maybe i'm feeling this way cause i'm feeling neglected? all reepal ever talks about these days is tekken. and he's never home at 10 to talk... ...seriously tho, i kno this isn't true. he was online tonight and he wouldn't start his hw cause he was watching music videos. then he went off to sleep before doing much and i was quite angry. i keep thinking about reepal and where his life is headed... wat his motivations are... he doesn't take care of himself. and i worry about him... wondering if i should treat him like an adult and not care so much? and while that seems supportive of him, it's hardly supportive. it's like that drug commerical where the girl is drowning and her friend just watches on witout doing anything. ...so i guess the real question then is if reepal is drowning?

'hey, what you got to hide?' 'nothing you confess could make me love you less' 'come on and come to me now, let me see you through' 'cause i've seen the dark side too' 'won't let nobody hurt you' / 'when the night falls on you, you don't know what to do'; 'when you're standing at the crossroads and don't know whichpath to choose, let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong, i'll stand by you' 'and when the night falls on you, baby. [when] you're feeling all alone, you won't be on your own'

'take me in, into your darkest hour and i'll never desert you'