scared

Guys ask why women are so pissed off. Even guys with wives and daughters. Jackson Katz, a prominent social researcher, illustrates why. He's done it with hundreds of audiences:

"I draw a line down the middle of a chalkboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other.
Then I ask just the men: What steps do you guys take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? At first there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they've been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young a guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.' This is typically followed by another moment of laughter, before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, 'Nothing. I don't think about it.'
Then I ask the women the same question. What steps do you take on a daily basis to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as part of their daily routine. Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on the street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street.”

 ― Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help (The first man to minor in women's studies at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, holds a master's degree from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, and a Ph.D. in cultural studies and education from UCLA.)

i read this and related to the women, but, strangely, also very much to the men. honestly, i don't normally think about my physical safety, even when i travel alone.

from the above list, i only do two. 1. hold my keys in between my fingers to use as a weapon and 2. meet men on first dates in public places. the 1st i haven't done in years. I honestly don't remember the last time I did it. as for the 2. well, i don't date anymore. but when i used to i would put dating profile time, "real" name, phone number, and meeting place into my gcal so if i went missing, my friends could look up who i last went on a date with.

these lists make me wonder if 1. there's something wrong with me or 2. people (in this case, specifically women) aren't too scared. i too have been sexually assaulted. i suppose that it wasn't a violent thing by a stranger means i don't have an increased fear of random men. but i don't seem to have much of a fear of them at all?

i remember once saying to r that i don't know the last time i was scared of a person. i'm scared of all kinds of stuff, bugs especially. i also startle easily, and am not particularly brave, yet, most people seem harmless to me. i wonder why that is, and if i'll end up regretting not having that fear.

lorena

we watched the lorena bobbitt documentary on prime and it was... thought provoking. i'm not going to go too much into it because i don't have super strong opinions about it but:

- you come away from the documentary thinking that john is a real dumbass and most likely a real piece of shit person too. there are multiple allegations of abuse from several different women, a couple of which are really horrific. he completely denies everything and implies that the newer women are accusing him because he has a bad rep already. his testimony changes between trials, he's tried to capitalize off his mutilation (selling punny merch, porn, penis enlargement surgery, working at the bunny ranch...), and he writes these long creepy letters / fb messages / texts to lorena still. like, what the fuck. he's not a sympathetic character.

- you feel the opposite about lorena. her soft spoken-ness makes you want to believe her. and up thru today, she still works with domestic abuse groups. it's not like she's a perfect person without missteps, but you are made to feel that she's a good person. ...of course, the documentary is titled Lorena so it would likely either it would idolize or villainize her.

- women and men really did respond to the incident differently. men seemed to focus on the act of mutilation, while women were more interested in motive of it.

- i liked that they focused on domestic abuse. this trial is just ONE story from comes from millions of untold stories. that being said, i do wish they had kept it more gender neutral. PLENTY of women abuse their partners; not just men hurting women.