dear john

probably weird timing to write this. over a year after rip and i broke up, and well into a relationship with j. but ap talking about him so much lately has got me thinking about why we never got together.

obviously, reason number one is that i was with rip for the first like 4 years of knowing john. so of course we never happened. it's weird too, being in a relationship, often you just don't notice other people. even when you do, you sort of automatically think they don't notice you (since you're unavailable) so you don't pick up on any of the signs of them liking you (no matter how obvious). other people see it all, but you're completely blind to it. it's pretty great, actually!

another reason was also the distance. when i was finally single and something finally happened between us, we were both okay to let it go. we still lived on opposite ends of the country so logistically it would've been stupid. i'm sure it helped that it was so many years after the initial spark.

one other thing, besides all the rationalities, is that i think i never really felt that special to him. he loves attention. from anyone. and he didn't set it aside for me (not that he should've). i think ultimately you want to be with someone who makes you feel special. makes you feel like you're the only one in the world to them, for them, with them. i didn't really get that from him. probably because rip was always there in our minds, lol, so there was *always* someone besides the other.

anyway, i hope ap has a much more satisfying conclusion to the john saga, lol!

shoulder angels for hire

my computer was acting up a couple weeks ago. i decided to ask tt for help but he was away on vacay. he returned, i put it off another few days, then yesterday rip randomly texted me. so i told him about the computer. he came over at night to look at it (j and i had previously planned not to see each other anyway). we went to dinner. i snapped the meal and him a couple times too. 

g very quickly wrote back that "i think its weird you guys are hanging." ...thank you for the completely unsolicited judgement. i hadn't even sent her the snap. she just saw it in my story.

t cautiously texted this morning "how was your dinner with rip yesterday?" and after my response, "how does j--. feel about all of that?"

ap replied to my snap last night with a puzzled face and today repeatedly warned me not to sleep with rip. ...in case i forgot? 

i'm annoyed as fuck. i appreciate everyone trying to keep me honest, but i don't need your judgments or reminders to not cheat on my boyfriend with an ex i'm not interested in. j and i are doing fine and he knows about the whole rip thing. he isn't stressed. rip is also well aware i have a boyfriend and am not interested in getting back together with him. 

in fact, for all you overly curious types, at dinner rip and i talked about him being on tinder and when we got back to my place we "played" together, looking at girls and swiping left or right. he has very different taste than me, lol. sure it was a little weird, but we know what we're doing. we limit our interaction and keep things present. sorry / not sorry we can make a friendship work. i *am* sorry for you that you and your exes can't and so you're suspicious of others who can. it's not to say that we have a perfect friendship or that we'll always be friends, but for now it's working. and j gets it.

christ. i'm offended that my friends think i can't keep it in my pants. or that i have completely no regard for the feelings of either j or rip. fuck you, i'm not that much of a robot.