no lectures, please

last year a friend of mine cheated (once) on his fiancee. he told me about it before he broke up with her. he basically just told her that it was over and didn't mention the cheating. i think in the space of him cheating and him telling her, it was a few days to a week. i didn't immediately tell rip, but i did tell him before my friend told his fiancee.

this week there was poll thing going around on fb. someone asked if they saw the friend's significant other cheating, would they want to be told. this friend of mine very quickly and unequivocally answered yes.

i messaged him to say that his answer was interesting because rip and i actually got in a fight about just this thing last year over his situation.

rip had met the fiance a few times. he didn't know her well, but he would have recognized her on the street. rip felt that he should tell the fiancee about my friend's cheating. if nothing else, it would help her get over my friend faster. i didn't argue that point, but i felt he shouldn't say anything. i mean, he only knew her because of me and my friendship. he's knew my friend way before the fiancee came into the picture, and i don't think he's ever personally contacted either of them. certainly not the fiancee! i figured he also shouldn't say anything because my friend was imminently going to break up with her. and, yeah, also cause him telling her would put me in a really terrible position.

there is a little big more to the story, but it's too long to type out, and is besides the point. but basically, rip wanted to tell and i didn't want him to. he eventually didn't.

at the time, i didn't tell my friend that i told rip. i mean, i kind of figured he knew. rip and i had been dating for 14 years so yeah, it's a pretty good assumption that i'll probably tell him what you tell me. mind you, i don't tell him everything. he doesn't know your sexual predilections, your serious crimes, your drug or sex abuse, or any trauma in your life. he doesn't know anything you would basically only tell a therapist or a priest and for some reason trusted me enough to tell me. i wouldn't tell him that stuff unless it was actually imperative he knew. and i can't imagine why that would ever be. but he does know why you and your last relationship didn't work out, and what i honestly think about that.

anyway, back to my friend. so i told him what happened with rip and me. my friend said:
"Well I didn't think they were friends. And I didn't know you decided to tell rip but that's fine." etc "It's one thing to tell someone something you saw. It's another to say something you know third hand that you probably shouldn't know anyway."

you know what also isn't okay? a fucking lecture. esp an indirect one. you know that saying? "don't do something if you don't want people talking about it." now, that's obviously a general statement that doesn't hold true in every situation, but... it's a big fucking deal: you cheating on your fiancee. we've all known each other for years and here we all thought you two were well on the way to marital bliss. i kept my mouth shut for the months afterwards when you decided to not tell any of our mutual friends. and in fact, i don't even know /remember if you did tell them because we all generally respect your privacy so none of us have discussed that portion of the breakup.

and, dear reader, i know you might think i may be reading into his message to me, but no, trust me. there was more to his message to me that i'm not including. anyway, i just had to vent this a little. but what do you think? do you tell your significant other everything, nothing, or something in between?

leaning away from god

thank god no one from my small group reads my blog, but i think i more naturally tend towards buddhism than christianity. true buddhism is human centered (even self centered), while a lot of monotheistic religions seem to be more god centered. and that it's more of a philosophy than a religions probably appeals to me. the basic tenets of buddhism also really speak to me:

(1) to lead a moral life
(2) to be mindful and aware of thoughts and actions
(3) to develop wisdom and understanding

a lot of small group is focused on "what does god want from/for me?" "what does god mean when he does this?" "what does the bible say about that?" i just can't get myself to care about him, his intentions, or his word. i feel like if you were to ask a christian to describe christianity in under a minute, their definition would talk more about god, jesus, the church, than on what it actually *means* to be christian (which, to me is basically to live life according to wwjd). buddhists tend not to proselytize, and while a lot of them certainly worship buddha, i feel like their under-one-minute definition of their religion would focus more on the philosophy of the religion rather than the structure of it. i like that.

also, from what i've seen. a lot of christians missions trips are more focused on spreading the word of god than actually helping people. (that's an unfair way of putting it, i know, because christians believe that spreading the word of god is the best and most important way to help people. but i think that's a easy justification for those of us who live with more than enough money, food, shelter, health care access, education, etc) the buddhist missions trips i've heard about go to disaster areas to help out and *not* talk about their religion unless asked. that's pretty cool.

when speaking of christian missions, i'm always reminded of the desmond tutu quotation: “When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.” i don't think that applies so much in today's world, but has it ever applied to buddhists?

i wonder if there are any buddhist "life group" equivalents in our area?

random article: Big Drop in Share of Americans Calling Themselves Christian