jags

i've been a bit depressed lately. some time late september marked the start of reep's and my eigth year together. incredible, isn't it? but wit all the weddings, proposals, and happy couples going around, i started to (again) wonder just wat it is we're doing together (as in, wat's the purpose?). last week i posted up some pictures of us on my flickr. even as i writing the captions, i thought they were a bit... reminiscent (the captions, that is)... as if i was looking back on something i no longer had. tonight i went thru and took down quite a few pictures of us or him. [i actually have something to say about that, but i've never said anything to him.] i guess... silly me, i keep expecting him to change somehow. but not so much me changing him. as i just wish he would change on his own. of course, hopefully those changes would be to my liking. but... eight years is a long time to wait, no?

a couple months ago we were talking and he said that he thinks we're "good/normal" for people who've been together for as long as we have. i told my mom tonight that lately i haven't been too happy wit reep. she said that that's wat happens to a lot of couples who've been together for so long. i asked her "wat about marriage then?" she replied "well, divorces are such a hassle, and the kids..." wat?! she quickly said that no, she wasn't talking about her own marriage (and yes, i do believe her).

we had a bit of a fight today. but from even a couple days ago things were a little strained. something from our past has come up again. and i just feel like... why are we still covering the same bases? i haven't really said anything. he knows that i feel uncomfortable wit the whole situation. but he, as he is usually does, refuses to really and fully assure me that things will be okay. i kno that i should probably say something but i feel like... it was such a long time ago. i do need to get over this by myself [and that's also me, always thinking that i need to do things myself. and knowing that since i can't change others, if anyone is to change, it'll have to be. ...i do feel like sometimes i get taken advantage of, because the way i am]. and of course, i'm scared that he'll say something horribly inappropriate again. a friend of mine said that they thought i was justified in feeling the way i do, and also for not making a deal of this, but that still, they hoped he would be on his best behavior. i have my worries tho, that he won't. and wat will i do then?

friends are a great comfort. but they, naturally, have their own lives. i think that's why so many people want to be in a relationship. your partner is supposed to, in some ways, anyway, value you more than they value themselves.     i may never get married, but that does not mean i want to spend my life alone.     i cycle thru periods of depression. they're not serious. i'm in one right now. i get restless and lonely (i normally cherish my time alone).   i think i might go to the beach tomorrow.

Tags: depressed