spoils

if you internalize your fears and worries then you can't really blame others for not knowing what they are right? that's how i feel anyway. i kno some of my girlfriends would disagree. they would say that seeing as how i've been wit reep for such a long time then he really should kno how i feel, witout me having to tell him. and while i do kind of agree wit that i also don't. because if i hardly tell him just how much something bothers me, or how often it does, then how would he kno? he'd have to be able to read my mind. and obviously, he can't do this. altho sometimes i wish he could. but that's another story entirely... i feel like... wait, you kno that new movie 'the breakup'? in it jen aniston's character tells vince vaughn's character that she wants him to want to wash the dishes. and he doesn't get it. and actually, it seems to me that lots of guys don't get this concept. altho to me it's perfectly clear, and wat's more, perfectly reasonable. anyway. so i feel like sometimes.. i want something. but i don't want to ask for it. because i kno it's not right to ask. and so i don't. but you kno wat i want. even i don't ask it. so why not just do it? or at least compromise a little. oy. cutter, one of my aeia guys, tells me that i should just give him an ultimatum. i was like, but... that's not right. and he said that no, it's not right, but it's okay, because i'm a woman. ...wat? yeah, appt women can get away wit totally irrational behavior simply because we're women and we're expected to behave in a certain way. yeah. so appt even tho reep would be really mad, he'd eventually get over it. i asked wat would happen if my plan backfired and he didn't chose me? cutter said that no way could this happen. he said some other stuff, but i don't feel like getting into that right now. anyway. so i brought this up to reep. and he said that no, he would be mad, really mad, for a long time. because, get this, i had already done this once before: given him an unfair ultimatum. i couldn't believe it. i mean seriously? how was that unfair? it wasn't. and i just... ...sometimes i feel like i'm such a pushover when it comes to him. like... he feels as if he's already yielded so much to me, but really, it'sonly that he's been spoiled. al was super forgiving and i think, i am too. and thus i don't blame him for much. i tend to blame myself first. which really, only perpetuates the cycle. ...i don't kno wat to do. and no, don't suggest breaking up. that's just stupid. that's obviously not the most viable answer for me. maybe it's the best, you think, but that's obviously not something i'm prepared to do. ...oy. now i'm getting mad at imaginary rebuttals.

 

'they say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it' 'my love keeps growing still the same, just like a cancer, and you won't give me a straight answer' 'the pains of love and they keep growing' 'because the spark is not within me' 'your name is the only word that i can say' 'i pray for blindness'