wavery

you think i would've found this out ealier. but i realized today that reepal has essentially no empathy. today something pretty devastating happened to a super close friend of mine. i told reep and he then made a comment on the traffic. then said something again about the traffic. . ... um, okay. couple months ago i told him i had received a text message from a friend who said that his girlf just tried killing herself. i think reepal's next question was whether or not i had romantic feelings for this guy. i got angry at the time but basically forgot about it. probably thinking that well, he doesn't kno my friend and definitely doesn't kno the girlf. but my friend today. reepal knows. quite well actually. since hs. we've been on a few trips together and the three of us spent this past new years together. and they've also talked outside me. anyway. so reepal basically had nothing to say about her or her situation. i then told him that i had to go. was busy or something. (which was true. i had to go call my friend and see how she was doing) reep then tries (which i am thankful for). he starts to ask questions on why this is so bad and why i care so much. or why he should care. in any case. we talk a few minutes more but don't really get that far. he still doesn't get why any of this should matter to him. anyway, it actually takes a turn for the worse and i basically hang up on him. i couldn't stand it anymore. ting asked how it's possible that i've only found this out now. so many years later. i really don't kno. they say love covers a multitude of sins. so maybe i've always managed to look but not really see these things. but i think recently it's been wearing pretty threadbare (not so much the love tho. i can't honestly say i love him any less. even after this. does that make me less of a person as well?) and the truth is starting to show thru. but it makes you wonder... empathy is a pretty common trait. something pretty normal. of course some people identify a bit more than others (i think i sometimes have this problem) but most of us feel bad when bad things happen to others (9/11, katrina, somalia...) so this lack of empathy in reepal is a bit disturbing. (chang put into words how i felt: disgusted. which is pretty harsh but rather true i think) it makes me wonder how someone who can have so little regard for others is capable of love. because doesn't a part of love have to do wit identifying wit others? and no, not just them in themselves. but them in relation to others. because no man is an island. and you and me do not a wholly populated island make. i think reep and i have always had this problem tho. me feeling that he's never cared about the things i care about, for simply the sake of caring because i care because he loves me. the holes are wearing larger. i complain about the quality of our conversations. but i thought it was one of those traditional things. now i think maybe it's cause he just doesn't care. i have full on conversational conversations wit others. i imagine he has the same. but together... i've become reticent. then babbling. at turns. strands are coming off the frayed edges. is it possible? to love someone but to not care about them? wat is love anyway? angel said that it's faith. i say sacrifice. but watever you think it is. it would be major help if the one you love defined it in the same way. or close. helps you understand their motivations. in either case. i don't understand reepal at all. i think nearly every fight we have brings me closer to this conclusion, and possibly, our conclusion. ...how can you be wit someone for six years and not understand them? how can you, at five completed years' end wonder just who you're wit. i wish i had a close male friend again. ask him wat this is about. if it's simply the battle of the sexes again. or if the battles are within ourselves.or maybe, even sadder, it's just in me. am i finally seeing clearly? or just looking again?

'are you drowning your fears?' / 'when everything is hazy then everything will be okay' 'when everything is hazy then you wont be sad that you stayed.' / 'time has been spread so thin' / 'and the things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here.' 'the things that are keeping you here will keep me away.' / 'don't follow your heart cause it just seems to get in your way.'