be gone!

was talking to my dad tonight. i forget why, but we were talking about marriage and my dad announces 'if i don't like the guy you're going to marry, i'm not coming to your wedding! i don't care if you want me to. you can't make me. if i don't like him i'm not going to tell you you can't marry him or watever, i'm just not going to come to your wedding!' ...uh... sure... and if you're going to be such a rambling idiot at my wedding i'd prefer you not to come either. but seriously. like. who the hell really cares if you like my intended? that's hardly the point of showing up. i'm your daughter. you're only child. and just cause you don't like the guy, you're going to, rather than just suck it up, ruin the wedding for everyone? yes everyone. cause everyone esp me and mom and those who you're supposed to care most about will be horribly embarrassed and hold this against you forever. and i don't exactly kno wat you're friends are gonna think but i hardly expect that they're going to be right there wit you at 'lowes' as you said you might go to. you can't make me! well fine, someone anyway, needs to be the adult around here. and since it aint gonna be you... btw? another weird thing. we're talking about ting's sister's wedding and i say how big a deal it is for her parents because it's their first child getting married for the first time. and i said that when / if  i get married it would be my dad's first and last child's wedding. and hopefully first and last wedding at that. and my dad says 'oh, you and i both kno it isn't going to be your last.' . and at this point i'm thinking 'because about half of all american marriages end in divorce and you think the numbers are only going to go higher?' and then i realize, no, silly me, my dad's talking about my horoscope. yeah... he says 'i've read your horoscope and you kno it too, that you're going to marry twice.' ...yeah. back wit this whole i'd rather you not come than say this sort of ridiculous hocus pocus sh*t at my wedding. first or last or watever, let's just not be a downer. but more importantly, let's all try not to be crazy! oh wait, is that gonna be too difficult for you? ...yeah... i mean, i kno my dad's lonely (wat wit my mom being gone and him not having a whole lot of friends) and so i try to be there for him. i call, i listen, i engage, i help out, i stay home, i come home, i am thoughtful and goddamnit i try to be patient but holy hell does hewear on my nerves... ...i want to say that he was drinking tonight and so that's why he's crazy talking but he wasn't drinking at dinner, altho maybe before hand. and i didn't smell it on him either. ...in some cases it would really just be easier to have a drunk for a dad than some senile old fool that you really do have to care about because overall he is a good dad. he just has these moments of sheer ... sheer wat? i don't kno... unbelievableness. and you kno, if you believe in this whole horoscope bullshit then how come you weren't able to predict any of the damn things that have happened thus far? how come you went back to taiwan because you thought you're mom was gonna die, only to have her not and then to have her really die like two years later. how come you didn't foresee your car accident? how come you didn't try to save your sister's life if you knew she was gonna die so young? how come you didn't f*cking foresee the biggest goddamn disappointment and shock of you life? you can't make me! yeah, maybe you didn't kno that it was gonna be me and school. but you should've known that it was gonna happen. it turned all our lives upside down. you and mom have not been the same physically or emotionally since. you have your health problems now. and basically all that sh*t happened when my sh*t blew up. wat's more, that was thus far the worst time in my life too. wit the pressure, lying, school, friends, skin, parents... i f*cking passed out in school and you weren't able to predict that. all of our lives. intersecting at this one devastating point. but of course, you already kno that i'm gonna get married twice. and naturally that's more important. i have absolutely no faith in your stupid horoscope bullsh*t. and if you think i'm going to divorce one and marry twice you got something coming at you. cause this i can change. i can divorce twice or even thrice if i so wish. because this horoscope stuff you believe in? it's on the assumption that my life is already mapped out. but if i already kno wat's in store for me, than i damn well can change that. cause even tho i can't make you, i sure as fuck can make me.

'they don't mean a thing' 'let them talk so they feel important' / 'i gave away my freedom to please you' 'why do you have to put this on me?' /
'do what you wanna do'