egress

i felt like changing my aol password (btw he changed his and he didn’t tell me his new one. if i were him i’d be quick to ask ‘wat are you hiding in your email?’ but oh well…) today because i feel like he reads my mail not out of curiosity but to check up on me. he denies this. he may be right. and yet… he never says anything like ‘oh that thing in your mail was funny’. it’s always accusatory. it always leads to questions like: ‘why didn’t you tell me about this?’ or ‘wat else are you hiding?’ i don’t like the constant scrutiny. yet i remember that post of his awhile ago: “and people like stephanie, don't have it in them to want to do the things that gain trust.” oh is that all it is? … now, most of the time, i don’t even bother defending myself. it’s too much effort for no progress at all. he’s constantly mad at me for things that i didn’t do. he gets an idea in his head. and sticks to it. he makes up his mind before hearing all the facts. and i hate that. if you kno me at all, you should kno that. …he doesn’t ask questions. oh wait, he does actually. but the questions he asks… “wat else are you still lying about?” “wat do you kno that you’re not telling me?” it’s a lose / lose situation. wat’s the point of telling you wat happened if you’re not going to believe it anyway? if you never give me any leeway? if you only look for the inconsistencies. whether they are there or not. ‘even the devil can cite scripture for his purpose.’ besides which, the times i tell you the truth, that you kno, you don’t give me credit for. so wat if last night i had let you come to the car wit me, to wait for tsai to show up? to show you that i wasn’t lying. wat would that prove to you? that i was telling the truth that once. just that once. but it really makes no difference, does it? cause all other times that i can’t outright prove that i’m telling the truth means that i’m automatically lying. because the times i tell the truth, they are the exceptions to the rule. because i am always lying. because i am always hiding something. no matter wat a stupid lie it would be to say that tsai drove down from la to see me for the afternoon. then went and drove wit me to irvine so that i needn’t walk the two miles to my place because i wouldn’t ask james for a ride because i knew how much it would bother you. no matter that make the whole thing more ‘believable’ i’d only need to flip tsai to chang, who practically lives in irvine anyway.

 

things are unbelievably stinted between us. how does one act natural when living in an unnatural environment? we’re both trying tho. i went to his tekken tourney on friday. he stayed over wednesday night. we aren’t really saying ‘i love you’ anymore. not wanting to inadvertently lie i guess… we try to carry on as tho things aren’t as wrong as they are. but we kno better. we normally get along pretty well. but then someone says something. the scene changes. and quite suddenly we’re on opposite sides.

 

i was wit chang the other week, catching up and watnot. she was talking about a couple of her other friends. things they went thru. the things other people said to them, lies, to hurt them. i don’t do that. i don’t lie to hurt others. even wit the truth: i make sure that it really is the truth. something i really do want to say. the other night he said possibly the worst thing a partner can say to another: “most of the time you make me unhappy.” later he said tried to retrieve that sentence, but the damage had been done. even thoughtlessly, how can one say that to another who loves you, who cares for you, who tries for you? to think, wat if it were true? wat have we been doing all this time? wat have we been trying for? wat have i been trying for? i’ve been saying to him a lot lately: “i can’t do anything right.” and that really is just how i feel about him right now. that i can’t do anything right. nothing is good enough. and appt none of it was enough in the first place. anyway, recently i wrote something. something i think might be the truth but i’m not totally sure. and appt he caught it. and it hurt him. and while i’m sorry for having said it when i wasn’t totally sure if it was true or not. i’m more sorry that i think it is. …and if it is true. it is only because you helped make it so.

 

btw. when you start questioning why someone is wearing wat they’re wearing even tho they’ve worn the same thing before in all innocence, it really has gone too far.

 

'i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this: 'like every inch of me is bruised'

'so keep it steady, now 'cause every inch you see is bruised'