last thoughts

did i ever tell you that overseas aol.com is shite? well, it is. most of the time something is wrong wit it: either you can't open the thing, the million of graphics won't load (and therefore you can't use the links associated wit them), things load but you simply can't read your mail, you can't write mail altho you can read it, things take so long it's simply not worth waiting, and the list goes on...

in other news: it is my last full day in shanghai. it's mind boggling how quickly seven weeks have passed, altho the beginning of it all seems rather long ago. china thus far has treated me incredibly well. so well, in fact, that i'm not wanting to go home. well... i'm not sure if it's just like that... i was so desperate to leave and things here have been utterly fantastic... i don't think that even for a moment did i wish i was back home again. even now as i'm sitting here online wasting my last few hours in china i'm not looking forward to going home. people in my volunteer group said that i was so lucky to be staying the extra three weeks. people on my tour said that i was lucky to have the extra few days afterwards and the month beforehand. my tour guide said that it is as if i belong here in china. everyone said that it seemed as tho i didn't want to go home. ...they have no idea how right they were. i've traveled quite a bit before. and i'm a pretty good traveler. i don't form strict ideas about the places i go to. i have vague ideas but i am quick to let them go. i am not terribly ethnocentric and can adapt pretty well to the local culture. i don't get jetlag or any of the usual traveler's illnesses. all in all i'm a pretty laid back sort of traveler, which is i think why i 1) love to travel and 2) really like most of the places i go to. (off the top of my head right now i can't think of a single place i didn't like, ever) but never have i ever had such a strong attachment to a place i've visited. and no it isn't just because i've lived here. i've lived in taiwain and while i like it there i don't love it. china however, is now on my list of place to live for a few years. and it's so incredibly large here wit an unfathomable amount of things to see that my wanderlust will never be a problem. altho really, i don't think it ever has been? i'm easily pleased and a deeper look at a familiar place is really good enough. ...i feel a bit like a traitor. yes, i miss the people back home. but most of them, much as i like them, i could live witout. besides wit modern technology you can always be in touch wit the ones you've left back home.

speaking of. i've never really wanted to have an 'afterlife' of any kind. but this trip has changed me. taking pictures, writing notes, absorbing tastes, smells, experiences really, makes me want certain things to last forever. but you can't capture everything in a 4x6. you can't really save anything, ever. much less to say forever. a time or two here i have felt infinite. and it has been my awakening from such that makes me want to die right then in the hope that 'heaven' will be, not a preservation, but an extension of that feeling.   i kno you're just reading these stale words and getting nothing of wat i'm trying to say. hopefully you're trying to relate. i dare not think that you actually understand. but as i'm writing them... just the sheer memory of 'divine' supremeness is breathtaking.

   dare i breathe out?