he placed ninth in the tekken comp, which is really quite good. congrates reep! he also came back early, arriving late saturday night rather than sometime sunday. so we actually ended up going on our usual sunday afternoon date. we didn't do much, just drove around town trying to buy things (chinese newspaper, baseball tees, and ps2). for the first hour or two i didn't say much. i'm tired of initiating converstations. and i'm damn sick of always coming up wit all these things to say, only get no response. we really only have a real conversation when he talks about things that interest him, because witout fail i answer back. but i'm also tired of responding if i'm truly not interested. so i decided not to play that game anymore. i mean, i'll listen, but i won't put in the extra effort to come up wit a response other than the useless 'uh huh'. why bother? it's not as if he puts in equal effort. so anyway. he got pretty pissed i think. eh. ::shrug:: thing that really bothered me was how easy it was to step back and detatch myself. i realized that it really is an effort, trying, that is. trying is tiring. and as they say, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. and while i'm not exactly having fun wit my little experiment (which was hardly the purpose anyway), i am finding out things about myself and about relationships in general. just this last week i have been able to add a few new things to my list of wat i want in a partner. things i would've otherwise not listed because i would've taken them for granted. oh well, it's just like that other saying: common sense isn't that common. ...i'm reading this and thinking that this update makes me sound really cold and clinical. as if i didn't care about him or something. but can't you see? it's because i love him that i need to do this. it's because i am so easily hurt by every slight (percieved or otherwise) that i must learn to protect myself. it is too early to let go. and way too soon to drown.
'look at the blueprints as they disappear' 'this is a blank space filled with all our fears' / 'i should've could've made me, but in the end it could be my last big mistake' /
'i think i'm better this way'
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