in my own way

last night we were together and i told him that i hate our conversations. he was understandingly (altho, i also think a bit unjustfiably) insulted. we don't talk much anymore. it's too boring. he never really comments on any of the things i say (so how is this even a conversation?). unless he disagrees wit me, which is often enough that i also asked him the same night if he ever agrees wit me. i think he said 'not really'. to which i asked if he argues just for the sake of it. 'why the hell would i do that?' i don't kno. our conversations are pathetic really. i bring up varied topics. he doesn't reply. just so you kno, hmm doesn't count as a reply. or he disagrees and an argument ensues. this really bothers me. i do more than just try to be interested when he speaks. i force myself to actually be interested. i kno a hell of a lot of more tekken (and it's characters, development, players, places for play...) than i would ever care to kno. i pay attention. i ask questions. i participate. and goddamnit i support. however, i can't even seem to get a spark of interest out of him, feigned or otherwise. he simply doesn't care, and wat's more, doesn't even care to pretend to care. which sucks (the dude never even asked how miss saigon was). a few posts ago i said that i was working on myself first. and that i'd not try to 'fix' him until i had 'fixed' myself. well, i'm sticking to that. but i messed that up. i meant that i would, for us, 'fix' myself. but since this is really a moot point anyway (one person can't make a relationship stronger, it takes two. and since i'm only one person...), rather than feel as tho i've wasted my efforts (ie, rather than trying to make us stronger), i will instead just focus on just making myself stronger. this task, obviously, is much less daunting.

'if i hadn't made me, i'd’ve fallen apart by now' 'i won't let them make me, it's more than i can allow' 'so when i make me, i won't be papier-mâché' 'and if i fuck me... i'll fuck me in my own way'